8 months.

8 months have now passed by since the last time I heard your voice, saw you smile, or got the pleasure of knowing you were just a phone call away. It's wrestling season now, and I guess I never realized how hard this was going to be. If there's one thing I truly completely love, it's wrestling. Now it's bittersweet. Listening to "I believe I can fly" before our first home dual last night, might have been the hardest thing I've had to do since your funeral. It was a solemn moment in the room, because every single person knew what the other was thinking about. I kept my composure, but barely. That's when it hit me that this season was going to be completely different. We had our first tournament last Saturday, and the bus ride was hard for me, because you always sat across or in front of me. It was ritual, and I never before had to think of where to sit. I was thankful to ride home with Zoe, because I didn't want to focus on you not being with me anymore. It's a different atmosphere this year. No one is wrestling just to win, they're wrestling to win and to make you proud. When anyone loses, or just wrestles bad, they aren't just upset, they're completely disappointed. All they want to do is give it their all for you. I realized that I was lucky, because through all this, I now have a bunch of brothers. Last year I had my wrestling family, but it wasn't nearly as big as it is this year. We don't even have to talk, a simple look can tell exactly how we feel. I don't think I could do it without them. I'm so proud of those boys. I don't think it's a secret that I have favorites, but I've always had favorites. From Joel and Taylor, to you and Jesse, to Connar and Thomas. You'll always be my favorite. Second to Taylor of course.

My birthday is Wednesday, and you won't be here to forget it, or get me all the candy I don't like so I just give it you instead. That sucks. Like really really bad. But I think I'll survive. You know, Steeler, I'm so glad I'm almost done with this year. I don't know if I can really call it the worst year of my life or not. I lost my best friend, and that hurts more than I could ever put into words. However, so many opportunities have given me hope for what's to come. I've met heroes, and I've gained friendships that would have never happened before your death. I guess I had to trade you for everything that I have now. I still wish that trade never happened. When I lost you, I lost a little bit of myself, but I think I'm finding it now. It's never going to be completely fixed, but I think I can glue it together well enough. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I'm even more thankful that eventually, I'll get to see you again. Until then, please keep an eye on your brothers. They need a little helping hand more than people think. Let God know we need his grace to keep us healthy and together. And most importantly, remember that I love you, those boys love you, and every single one of us misses you more than you'll ever know.

Thanksgiving

What I'm thankful for today:

• Family - I'm thankful for my parents. I'm thankful for the opportunities they've given me and all the space I've gotten so I could grow my own opinions. I've never been in need of anything, and I've seldom wanted anything. I'm very lucky to be blessed with two parents who are married and give me everything I could want. I have a pretty awesome brother who introduced me to wrestling and gave me a nephew and a sister. I have grandparents who aren't afraid to tell me their proud of me, and who encourage me to do whatever I want to do. They have more faith in me than anyone else, and for that I'm really truly blessed. I'm thankful I got to meet my Grandpa Larry and be around him for the time I was. I've had great grandparents that I got to be around, which most kids don't get. I'm thankful for that. I have Aunts and Uncles who would go out of their way to help me out. I have cousins that I wouldn't trade for the world. Overall, I'm more than lucky to have the family I have. I'm really truly blessed. 

• Friends - Specifically Kelsie, Maddison, Remi, Jean Ann, Mason, Sierra, and Rii. I cannot imagine my life without every single one of those people in it. There's absolutely no way I would have survived this year without them. Those people know me better than anyone else, and I'm extremely thankful for them. I love you guys more than the world.

• Wrestling - Wrestling has brought me so much, I don't know that I can list everything. It brought me Steeler, Melynn, the closest family I know, and my future. I am who I am because of wrestling. I've met olympic gold medalists and the top college wrestlers. I've become part of a family that I couldn't live without. I know that. It brought me Kiiler, who's like a weird older brother or uncle. It brought me the entire Seaburn family, and I'm one of the luckiest people in the world to get to be around them. It brought me second moms and dads and brothers. It brought me opportunities and memories that I'll be thankful for the rest of my life. There is nothing I am more thankful for this year, than the sport of wrestling.

• America - I'm thankful to live in a country that is filled with diversity. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to become what ever I want to be if I want to work hard enough for it. I'm thankful that we have the strongest military in the world, and that men and women are willing to die for me everyday. I'm thankful for the electricity, running water, clean towns, cars, heating and air conditioning, food, and clothing that I take for granted everyday. I'm thankful for the hospitals and doctors that are easy to get to. I'm thankful for everything I have here in America that I wouldn't have in another country. We have our faults, but every country does. Just be thankful you're in America.

This year has been a true roller coaster for me. I've been at my lowest low and highest high. I can easily say it's been the hardest year of my life, because the bad outweighs the good significantly. Still, I can laugh and I don't cry like I should because of the people and things mentioned above. 

7 months.

7 months. I don't care how many days or weeks any more. Knowing those hurts a little bit more than I care to feel.

Sometimes I let myself feel the fact that you're not ever coming home. I can't stand that feeling. I just push that thought far away from my mind. It's strange, what brings it up. Random songs, random sights, just random everything. This past weekend, I went to Washington D.C. with your momma. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to retrace the path she last walked with you. I didn't push her, and I didn't ask her to do anything I didn't need to do. I had an amazing time. We went for the All-Star Classic, which I'm sure made you mad because you never got to go. Let me tell you, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. As we were waiting for the duals to start, we stood outside so your mom could smoke. All of a sudden my necklace fell off and hit the ground. I had a mini heart attack and immediately got mad at you. We were having fun, and you just had to remind us you weren't there. I thought I'd lost the dog tag I'd been wearing since your funeral. That thing is like a security blanket for me. I looked all around the ground, then decided to unzip my purse and look in it. Wouldn't you know it was at the bottom. I just shook my head and laughed. I said a quick thank you to God and yourself, although I still didn't find your jokes funny. Unfortunately, David Taylor didn't beat Kyle Dake, and I only got Kyle's autograph because David never showed up. Sorry about that. I had to thank you again though, because as we were walking out of the duals we caught Cael Sanderson. You would've laughed your butt off at my star-struck appearance. Your mom explained what happened to you and that she wanted David to sign the pictures of you two. Cael said he would take them and send them back to us. Then he asked my name, and when I told him he said he knew me and that it was nice to meet me. That has to be the shining moment of my life and even more proof of how roller coaster-ish this year has been for me. I had to thank you for that, because somehow, I knew you were the reason he was running late for the PSU van. I'll never ever forget that moment, and the feeling it gave me. For the first time in over 6 months, I was truly overjoyed. It quickly slipped away, but while it was there, I felt invincible.

Tomorrow I'm going to Colorado, and for the first time Thursday, I'll be skiing. Your mom let me borrow her ski gear, for which I'm very grateful. It's just a little hard, because I always imagined my first time on the slopes would be with you by my side, impatiently trying to teach me how to ski or snowboard. It's going to be very strange to be out there without you, but that's becoming a regular feeling for myself. This hasn't gotten any easy. In fact, it's probably gotten a little harder because it feels more real everyday. I miss you so much I can't even fathom a way to explain it. Our texting conversations don't even make sense because we always called each other when they got too complicated. I guess I can be reassured that I'll never forget any of our memories, because something entertaining always happened.

It's election day, but I can't vote. I wish I could. I know you'd be voting and voicing your very loud opinion, but I have no problem with that. I miss your loud mouth and stupid comments and constant obscene gestures. I miss being around you. Even with all your faults, you were one of my favorite people in this world, and I just want you back. That's the kind of funny thing about this. You've practically become a saint. Brett wrote a letter to send out to businesses for the scholarship, and in it he was describing you. I just looked at your mom and started laughing because I had no idea who the Steeler he was describing was. I guess that's what happens when you die. Everyone just forgets or ignores the bad parts and focuses in on the good parts, expanding on them to a point where the bad just disappear. I like focusing on the good, but the bad parts are what stick in my memory the most. The trouble-making, the rude names, the visits to the principal's office and days of ISS, all of those are what really made you the boy I loved being around. Those are what made you fun, and who you were. Those "bad" traits were what made you Steeler. I loved those bad parts; I was extremely proud of the good parts, and I made sure you knew both of those. I'll just restate them now and forever more.

That's all for now. I love you, and I miss you. See you soon.
Your best friend,
Megan.

6 months.

6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days.

This past month has been a weird one for me. I realized I didn't know the last time I was really happy. I forgot what that felt like. I've been so unbelievably busy. I'm either at school, at work, at a game, or at some meeting. As much as that sometimes sucks, I'm so thankful not to have down time. I barely blog anymore because I write so much for school. I often think of what it'd be like right now with you away in college. I know I'd be trying to figure out how to come to as many of your wrestling duals as possible while not missing any of the ones here. Then I'd be helping you with math or english, and I know I'd be going up to see you whenever I could.

I miss your over exaggeration of absolutely everything. I remember that night after a group of us went to Nakatos, and we were both driving home down glenstone. We got stopped at a light beside each other and you rolled down your windows, blaring Hero by Enrique and singing at the top of your lungs to everyone in my car. I was the only one who didn't crack up, I just shook my head. That memory makes me smile now. Or when you got arrested for "attempting to resist arrest" because you thought you hit something and messed up your car when getting pulled over, so you just jumped out and ran to the other side of the car. Then I told your mom, and you got mad, but it was so funny you couldn't stay mad for more than like 4 seconds.

I miss the way you told stories and had to act them out. I remember one time we were watching Phantom of the Opera and we made Jesse watch it with us and we all got into a huge argument wether Gerald Butler was the Phantom or not. I think Jesse was right and we were wrong, but it only made us love that movie anymore. You're mom gave me a canvas with the Phantom logo on it. It's hanging up in my room. It took me a while to listen to that soundtrack again, but now it just makes me smile. Like this year for your birthday I burned a copy and gave it to you, and you didn't want any of your friends to see otherwise they'd make fun of you, so you just put it in your moms car and made her listen to it every time you rode together. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone would've laughed at you. In fact, they probably would've started listening to the songs too.

I find it unsettling that I haven't gone one year in high school without someone dying. Every year we've lost someone, and that just can't be healthy. I've become sort of numb to death. I just figured it happens to everyone, some just have it happen sooner than they should've. It's sad. I'm so over death, and funerals, and having to lose someone. It's the worst thing in the world, losing someone.

I miss your company, just the ease of everything. I miss the rapping and singing until we were out of breath. I miss how you could make anything funny. I kept myself busy today, but I made time to bring you a pink rose. I was going to give you a red one with a black ribbon like in Phantom of the Opera but I figured that'd be an awkward request so I just stuck to a pink one. I'm going with your mom and Kiiler to D.C. next month for the All-Star Classic, I wish you were going with us. My heart hurts, but it's an ache I've came to live with.

There's so much I just want to ask you or tell you and I can't. I do love you though, and I miss you more than ever.

Your best friend,
Megan

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."- Joseph Roux

5 months.

5 months. 20 weeks. 155 days.

They say time heals all pain. Well, I don't know about that, but I'd say staying busy sure helps. The last 4 months were a living hell. This past month wasn't much better, except for the fact that I now have 10x the amount of information on my mind. I barely have time to blog, let alone get all my other tasks done. I thank Mrs. Hainline for making us free-write everyday, it's nice to have time to write down what's on my mind. School keeps me pretty busy, I have something to do after school everyday. With saying that, every other thought is focused on you.

There's a group going to Jamaica for spring break. The hardest part is that I know you'd be going with me. I've ran out of tears, or maybe it's impossible to get this out of me. I don't ever want you to leave me, not any more than you have already. It's so hard to believe that 5 months and 1 day ago everything was perfect. I was on a field trip having the time of my life. I was mad I wasn't going to Brute with you, but I knew I'd get updates on how out of shape you were and how every one was doing. I knew I was going to get pictures of your new shoes or some ridiculous hat you found. Instead, my world stopped. I feel like the rest of the world should have stopped too.

I'm on the marketing team for your scholarship fund. I love hearing stories about you and doing something that's focused completely on me. Brett's on it with me, I'm glad I get to be with your other best friend. If Dylan was on it, the trio would be complete. You should be proud of Dylan, going to college, playing soccer, wearing your number. I went and watched him play, he did awesome.

I no longer have those moments where I forget your gone. I wish I still had those. I wish I still had you. I think we all wish we still had you. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and just be able to open them and see you. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to know why you left me without saying goodbye. If I could rewind time, I would go back to the Saturday before you died. I would relive that day over and over again.

You'd laugh at how much I love Abraham Lincoln right now. Then you'd tell me some random civil war facts that I didn't care anything about. I wish I could dream about you more. I've only had two, but I know why I only get two. They hurt so much when I wake up. I'm glad there's videos of you. I miss your voice. I miss our random hour long phone calls. I miss everything about you. I'm waiting on it to be better. I'm waiting on the hurt to go away. I don't know when that'll happen, if it'll ever happen. I just need you to know, that I love you so much and I miss you even more than that.

I can't wait to see you again, and I'm thankful for every minute I spent with you.

Your best friend,
Megan

"They've promised that dreams come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too." - Oscar Wilde

Learning Wisdom

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. Like every other birthday in our family, my grandparents came over to eat dinner and just have a good ole get together. While we were waiting for the festivities to begin, I found myself between my two living grandpas. One is a democrat, the other a republican. Most kids my age would have turned and ran when stuck in that position, I however, love it. I love hearing both sides of a debate, especially when it comes from someone who has actually lived a full life and have reason and experience to back them up. They talked about the problem in our schools, how education has changed, how disciplinary actions have weakened and troublesome teens have strengthened, how advanced some students seem to be, the difference in religion, why is everything so political, and then exchanged a few jokes.

I took it in, put in about 5 sentences, but mainly listened. I think that's the most important part, I listened. I agreed with one grandpa on certain topics, and the other when it came to totally different things. At some points, I didn't choose a side. I agreed with them both on multiple occasions.

During one part of the conversation, we started talking about the Bible. One grandpa told a story: Back in 1805, a group of missionaries were sent into the wild west to bring the Lord to the red man. When they met with the chief he looked at them and asked, "Brothers, if you all read a book that says there is but one high spirit, why do you all say the book says something different?". Now I'm not positive that is the exact quote, but its the point of the question.

So many people use the Bible as a reference to the reason of their religion. I don't. I use the label "Christian" because I've been saved by Jesus Christ. I call myself a Christian, because I want to be the example people think of when they think "Christian". I don't quote scripture that much, because if someone hates being preached to, the last thing they want to hear is another quote from something they don't even believe in. When they ask me why I believe in God, I tell them because it's easy. I don't need scientific evidence, I don't need reasoning and explanation. I don't question him, I just know he's there. Maybe they've never had a moment where it all just clicks, but I pray they get to have one. I don't think there's one religion that's right. I highly doubt God discriminates that much. I think if something makes sense to you, if you're a good person, if you love God and try to share him with others, you'll get into Heaven. I believe the idea of a simple explanation is to hard for some to comprehend. They think you must be simple minded, you don't, just stop thinking so hard.

I absolutely hate talking about religion and pushing it on people, you believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe. If for some reason you have a question, I'll answer it. If you want to be like me, I'll help you. It's pretty simple, I think, to get into Heaven. Believe in Jesus, believe that he saved you, believe that God really does love you and wants the best for you, be a good person, help others whenever you have the chance, take time to show gratitude, be the best person you can be, accept everyone, no matter their differences, and always be grateful for what you are blessed to receive.

This is my last blog about religion, at least for now. The main point was the amazing things you can realized and learn when you listen to someone so much older and wiser than yourself. Those are the lessons you really need to learn in life. My Grandpa told me he learned something new everyday, and he was never afraid or too old to learn something new.

4 months.

4 months. 16 weeks. 122 days.

I could say I'm doing better, but I'm not. I miss you more every day, and time is not helping. August is a hard month. You should be at trap nationals, shooting right beside me. I should be taking you to college, helping you buy books and setting up your schedule. We should be eating at Nakatos every weekend, because you'll miss it when your gone. We should be planning what wrestling meets and tournaments I can come to. We should be planning for our skiing trip and spring break. We should be sitting in your basement, and I should be telling you what to do on whatever video game your playing. We should be watching every season of The Walking Dead and singing along to Phantom of the Opera. We should be crying because it's going to suck living hours apart. Instead, I'm constantly reminded that I'll never get to do those things. I'm stuck in a place where I have to look at reminders of you. I love thinking about you, and it's probably a good thing I do because you're permanently on my mind. I hate being reminded that I don't have you anymore. I hate that I feel jealous of people pretending they knew you, when I know they really didn't. I hate that you never knew how many people truly loved you. I hate that we always laid on my bed and talked about not having any friends, when so many were there for you. Who would've known that you really had thousands of friends. I feel bad for anyone who tries to get close to me right now, every one gets compared to you. That's a lot to live up to. There was nothing you could do, to make me give up on you.

It's amazing, the things I would do for one more day with you. I'm so burnt out right now. I'm tired. I don't want to go back to school, even though I know I have to. I don't want to try. I wish I did. I wish I had a back up plan. I wish I had some kind of plan. I'm so ready to get away from this place. I don't mean Willard, I mean this place I'm in, in life. I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I can get away. I'm basically stuck. I'm not able to move on. I don't think I'm ever going to fully move on. I've gotten better at laughing and allowing myself to have fun. But there's just those moments, where all I want to do is go back to when I had you. I knew everything about you, that's why I know when someone is lying about really knowing you as a best friend would. I know your favorite songs, your favorite movies, all the girls you had crushes on, your favorite drink, what sushi you would order, your real laugh and your fake laugh, your different smiles, everything. Maybe, that's what I really truly miss, knowing someone that well. Everything was so easy. I miss that easiness. I miss that sheer joy I felt when you came over to cheer me up when I was sick. I miss feeling calm when I knew you were okay. I miss you annoying me whenever you could. I miss feeling strong. I feel broken, even though I'm just a little cracked. I'm trying my hardest to glue myself back together. It's just so much harder than I would have imagined.

It's weird, when I thought about what I would do if one of my friends died, it was never you, and it was never this response. I imagined I'd lock myself up in my bed for a week, cry on everyone's shoulder, and be grateful for my own life. When you died, I had to go to your house and make sure. I had to see your mom. I had to comfort those boys, they needed me. I had to be a selfless. I cried on a few shoulders, but kept a smile as best as I could. I'm not that grateful, I'm grateful you don't have to deal with this. I'm thankful for the people who have stayed by my side. I'm thankful you brought me to Jean Ann, she's helped more than I can describe. It's a little weird, buying all pink, when you only wore it to make people uncomfortable. I remember when we went down to Neosho for Melynn, and convinced Zach and Trevor you were gay. I drove down there alone for the first time since then a couple weeks ago for her birthday. She misses you too.

I have no idea what this blog will look like in a 8 months. I'm not sure it will be much different. Sometimes I go sit by your grave after work. I don't talk, because I've never been one to talk to the ground, but I feel peaceful. I feel safe with you there. I still day dream about you showing up and telling me you had to fake your death for some unreal reason. I wish that could really happen. It's hard to see people moving on and getting over it, when I'm not even close to over it. I know I don't need you here, but it would sure make things easier.

I love you, and I miss you more than words alone can describe.

Your best friend,
Megan

Advice for High School

With the school year quickly approaching, I've decided that I should give out some valuable advice to the incoming freshman as well as the other underclassmen.

1. You're an underclassman if you're not a senior. Get that through your head now. You might be a junior, but the seniors are still on top. This year is about them. Respect that and you'll have an enjoyable time during your four years in that building. 
2. Get involved in something, asap. It will change and mold your entire experience. Take your freshman year as a chance to try everything. Eventually, you'll figure out where you belong. That group will be your saving grace. It's never too late to try something, so get out there and get involved.
3. Don't let one person ruin your day. Like it or not, there are going to be some people that you absolutely can not stand. Looking at those people will probably make you mad. So, don't look at them, delete them off Facebook, don't listen to what they say, and ignore them as much as possible. You'll be better off. 
4. Find that teacher that serves as your mom/dad/older sibling at school. I have more than one and they save me from having a terrible school day. I can run to them and they'll do whatever they can to help you. (These are usually club advisors or English teachers. Don't ask why english teachers, they just are more nurturing.)
5. Every year (except maybe senior) you'll have a teacher you can't stand. They'll leave a terrible taste in your mouth and ruin your day. Don't let them ruin it, just be polite and get your work done. Don't be afraid to brown nose this teacher. The easier you make their life, the easier they'll make your life.
6. Don't pick on anyone or let anyone pick on someone else. Bullying is a huge problem, not really at Willard, but still it's horrible and can really hurt someone. Don't be responsible for their pain. If you can help them out, they'll be forever grateful. 
7. Take this time seriously. It might not seem like it, but your freshman year determines a lot. Do your best work, be the best person you can, stay out of trouble, and look forward to the future. Create goals, keep them, and accomplish them. They'll remind you what you're here for.
8. Don't take everything too seriously. There's no need to act like an adult yet, because you aren't one. Have fun, go crazy at the assemblies, support your fellow students at athletic events, don't be afraid to look stupid, be outgoing, and be yourself. 
9. Don't try to be cool. Being cool isn't cool, being yourself is cool. You'll find a group of friends that you fit into and they'll love you for being you. You'll be respected for being you.
10. Try your hardest not to fall into peer pressure. Find some real friends that don't pressure you to do things you don't want to do. Peer pressure is bad even when it's not directly on you. If you can resist it, you'll find more respect from people than you imagined. 

College Applications

Last night, I successfully completed my first college application. I'm assuming this is really the first official step to my future. 40 bucks, hours stretched between weeks, and a requested transcript later, my finished application has been sent to Oklahoma State University. Now when school starts I'll begin another application for the same school, but for the honors college at OSU. These multiple applications aren't fun or easy, but I guess they show dedication or something. I picked OSU to start with because it was 10x easier than Penn State or Yale. I could just do all of them using the nifty universal application I have to use for any of the Ivy Leagues, but that's even harder than OSU and PSU combined. I get why they have to be so difficult though, I mean it's not like you want some undetermined lazy kid getting into your school - even though it seems to happen often. I just wish they included an essay part where I could write about whatever I wanted. OkState provides you with 8 options and you choose three. Penn State lets you write about why you want to go to PSU, and Yale, well I haven't gotten there yet. If I could pick one part that was the only part I was responsible for, it'd be the essays. I enjoy writing. I like being able to show complete strangers what's happening in my brain. I think what I can say in 250 words or less is a lot more important than my GPA or ACT score. If I could, I'd probably just post a link to my blog. I think that'd be a good insight into my head. I don't like the pressure that little essays has though. Like these 750 words could possibly determine how much I pay for school, and I don't even like the topics I have to choose from, how does that make me feel? It makes me feel pressured. It's not that I won't automatically be admitted because of what I said, that's what my GPA and ACT determine. It's just that if I could save $5,000 a year by changing what I say, that's a lot of pressure. I guess I'm lucky though, I know I'm going to end up at Oklahoma State, it's where I fit. Penn State and Yale are like my dream schools, the ones you apply to even though your credentials aren't exactly what they're looking for and you're most likely going to receive one of those horrible "Sorry to inform you" letters. I think I could probably get into Penn State, Yale I'm not even keeping my hopes up for.

I'm just glad I'm not going to OTC or another little technical school 20 minutes from my house. That's something I've always been sure of. I'm not going to attend a school close to home. That's not where I belong. I need to be at a D1, at least 3 hours from home, where I can learn who I am and really be on my own. I'm also extremely picky about which college I want to attend when it comes to dorm rooms. I don't want to share a room with some stranger, I've never had to share a room with anyone. I also don't want to share a bathroom with an entire floor. That's just too personal for me. I'd much rather share with one to four people. Even that's asking a lot, I have my own bathroom now, and I like it that way. I'm also picky when it comes to dining options, the town the college is in, and campus layouts. So, when it comes to deciding on a college, it takes a lot for me to settle on wanting to apply there. That's why I'm only applying to three, and only really plan on going to one of those three. I've yet to visit Penn State or Yale, and I don't know if I ever will. All I know, is for now Oklahoma State University works for me. 

3 Things

Doubt is a common thing. People have doubts daily. Doubts about the weatherman's forecast, the quality of a restaurant, or even their own self-worth. Doubt is normal, everyone has it and are accustomed to it. In my life there are only three subjects I've never doubted.

1. I have never doubted the power of God. I've doubted my religion countless times, but I've never doubted God. I've been broken hearted when I see people lose their faith. If there's one thing that makes me feel sorrow, it's the idea of a lost soul. The only reason I've been able to cope with Steeler's death is the fact that I get to rejoice with him for eternity in a place too beautiful for words. I don't understand why people use the words in the Bible to hurt others. If I've learned anything from my faith, it's that love is the most powerful tool. I don't understand how someone can abuse another human being because of what they are on the inside or the outside. It causes me great sadness to think of the people being shoved away from salvation due to someone hurting them and then calling themselves a man of God. I'm asked from time to time why I quit going to church. My honest answer is because I was appalled by the behavior of those who were supposed to be mentors to me. Nothing they did was harmful, I don't want that image to be gathered. It was a conflict of how I felt with the way they felt. A church can either be a wonderful or terrible thing for a person. I really believe there is one for everyone, they just have to be willing to find it. I haven't been that willing yet. I have strange beliefs compared to the norm. The most important thing though, is that I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe he did something so selfless for so many undeserving people, because he had enough love and understanding to do so. He accepted everyone and loved them for no reason at all. From him I've learned forgiveness, patience, and understanding. I can't live if I can't forgive someone for something they did that was terribly wrong. They already have to live with themselves, and that can be the worst punishment ever. I've found that patience is a wonderful thing. I'm gifted by wonderful things, for my ability to wait. I don't believe that great things come to those who wait. I believe great things come to those who work for them, but can also step aside and be humble enough to let those that are better than them to take control. I've began to understand that I won't be able to understand everything. Somethings just aren't meant to be understood. I've also been able to understand that most people use what they Bible reads in their reasoning to others. They don't fully comprehend what the Bible is saying. Those are two very different things. 
2. I have never doubted the freedom telling the truth will give you. I fully realize, that to some people, the truth is too hurtful to be released. However, there's always a time in life when it is the right time, when it will free you, when the consequences won't be as severe as you imagined. As scary as it may be, telling the truth is by far the best cure for any situation. When there is nothing left to hide, there's no reason to be afraid. Once you are freed from the lies, you can be fearless. 
3. I've never doubted the fact that bad things happen. Maybe it's because I experienced so much loss at a young age, but I've always known that you can't prevent the bad things from occurring. You can take almost every preventative until you aren't really living anymore, but at some point something bad will happen. You have to be able to absorb those bad things, and move on. As hard as that is, it's possible. Some people don't have the strength to move on, but that's only because they don't truly want to move on. The benefit of knowing bad things happen, is that you also know good things are going to happen. Life isn't all bad, in fact it's mostly good. Things happen that you can't control, but you can control how you react and move on from those things. It's a choice you're lucky to have. 

Past, Present, Future

At any moment of weakness in my life, I turn to my past. Not my past as a whole, but past relationships. I don't mean legitimate relationships like dating, because I don't do that, but just relationships in general. For some reason, I don't really fully understand, it's so much easier than starting from scratch. I've had multiple opportunities to begin new relationships and move on from the past, but I always run back. It's like I have unfinished business with that person, and once I'm stronger I can leave them alone again. I realize that's pretty terrible, but it's something I've always done. I only let someone get so close before I have to push them away. I've done it countless times, and it always hurts me more than it hurts them. Maybe it's human nature, to turn back to a safety net, instead of running out into the unknown. I'm terrible at keeping up with new people, and since Steeler has died, I don't think I've made an effort to talk to anyone new. The cold truth is I don't want to be close to anyone. I want the feelings being close brings, without the commitment that entails. I have three actual best friends. I have good friends and friends, but only three really close best friends. The only reason I'm even close to them still is because they've forced me to be. I'm grateful they've done so. I'm so afraid of getting stuck. Right now, no one or no thing is keeping me here. I'd miss a total of maybe ten people, but not enough to stay and be with them. So many people pray they find love, I'm seventeen and praying I don't find it for a long time. I'm not afraid of being alone, I enjoy being alone. I'm afraid of being responsible for someone else, for having to be anything but selfish. Eventually, I want to be responsible for an entire country, but right now I just want to have to take care of myself.

Fact or Fiction

Tonight, as I laid in bed and ate peanut butter crackers, I began watching a show on the Discovery Channel called Mermaids: The Body Found. Now, I'm not a gullible person. In fact, I can usually tell when someone is bsing me. This show really got me thinking, how do we know what's real and what isn't anymore? Anything can be computer generated, photoshopped, or extremely over edited. The bad thing is, most of the time you can't tell what's real from what's fake. This show was a little extreme. The photos and videos were pretty obviously faked. The information seemed extremely legitimate, which made things scary. It also made you wonder what was being hidden from the public. They say in this that the navy is hiding these mermaids so they can continue sonar testing, which harms the whales, dolphins, mermaids, and any other sea creatures that communicates using sonar. Why hide the mermaids though? They said it was to save them from human harm. That sounds pretty reasonable. We are creatures that don't like new or change. We like the fact that so many things are just made up. If mermaids are real, then aliens, fairies, unicorns, vampires, werewolves, sasquatches, they all have to be real too. Well, at least aliens. I think the weirdest thing is that when you really think about it, by keeping the general public unaware of the strange creatures around us, we are kept safe. There's no telling the kind of chaos these things could potentially cause. We also wouldn't want to let other countries in on our secret weapons. It's the same thing that the CDC does with harmful viruses and bacteria. They have them, we just don't know what exactly "them" are. It's human nature to be curious, but there has to be a line where curiosity really does kill you. To be honest, I'm not sure how the public would even react to the knowledge that mermaids do exist. I'm sure the majority would deny it, but it's been said that you can tell yourself a lie so long it becomes the truth. Maybe that's what we as humans have done. We've said that all of these supernatural creatures don't exist, and done so for so long, that if we ever had proof they do exist we wouldn't even believe ourselves. Now to end my questioning and meaningless blog, I will include pictures of supernatural creatures.

Fairy, Bigfoot, Mermaid (from the show)

Nebraska Wrestling Team Camp

For the past 5 days I've been in Lincoln, NE at the UNL wrestling camp. I had been waiting for this week all summer and super excited. I've always been a supporter of team camps, the matches are good, the team bonds, and the boys get to learn and experience brand new things. I feel blessed to have been able to join them this year, it was more than amazing. I got to meet Jordan Burroughs, I saw awesome matches, and I've gotten the chance to get closer with the boys. I'll admit that Nebraska is no Penn State, but we were lucky enough to have Ridge Kiley as our camp counselor. He easily became my favorite Nebraska wrestler, and our entire team will be cheering him on next season. We also were lucky enough to combine teams with 4 boys from Wray and Sterling, Colorado, who turned out to be talented wrestlers and funny guys. In all we went 7 - 4 in duals, which was pretty dang good for such a young team. Nebraska definitely isn't my favorite state or college, in fact it's not even close to the top, but the wrestling team was extremely helpful and kind. I'm glad to have been able to see the school, attend the camp, and make new friends while doing so.

Of course anything to do with wrestling brings my mind to Steeler. The conversations we've had about him always make me smile, but make my heart ache a little too. I've taken multiple double takes when I see a kid who shares a resemblance to Stee, wether it's hair style or walk they always make my heart skip a beat. Wrestling is something I don't ever want to be away from, it pulls you in like that. Everything about it reminds me of Steeler, which I don't mind, because I want to remember him forever. It's kind of crazy to think how different our team would be if we never had Stee. No mullets, no gay jokes, no pink, I can't really imagine being apart of a team that wasn't as close or fun as we are. I thank Steeler for that. I thank wrestling for bringing me and Steeler together, and keeping us so close for so long. I know because of wrestling, Steeler will never be forgotten.

What Grinds My Gears

There are some things that really make me angry, and because I love lists and listing things in blogs, I'm going to compile a list of those things right here. Call it ranting, call it the same thing as 10 things that annoy me, call it whatever you like, these things really make me mad.

1. When girls or boys think it's okay to cheat on their significant other. Especially when that other is in the military risking their life to make yours better. Honestly, that's the lowest thing you could ever do. If you're trying to say, "well it was just once, and I was super drunk at that party", why are you partying?! Come on, you're in a relationship with someone who has no room to be worrying about what you're doing back home. Why do you think that so many military men and women have trust issues? Because there are so many sleaze bags here at home. Grow up, or don't date someone who needs you that much. Also, cheating doesn't mean just having sex. When they aren't here or even if they are, just flirting with someone else can be considered cheating. Stop being such a douche nozzle. 
2. When you agree to do something, see it through. Unless there's an extreme situation going on, you need to follow things through. If you continuously break promises, don't expect to have people respect you. Most of the time people just want to make others happy, so stop that and learn how to say no. Chances are they aren't going to be mad, and if your excuse is good enough they'll probably even forgive you. If you agree to something, and then something important overrides the original agreement, let the person know. 
3. Every once in a while you have to sacrifice something so someone else can be happy. When you have to have everything you want or you throw a hissy fit, you're a spoiled brat. When someone really wants something, as worked hard for it, and dedicated a long time to getting it and then you just get it handed to you, they have a very good reason not to like you. Maybe, if you back off a little, and acknowledge their efforts they'll like you a little more. 
4. Stop asking me questions while we're watching a movie. If you would just shut up and watch the movie your questions would be answered. 
5. Chew with your mouth closed. It's disgusting when I can see your food as it's being mashed up, and frankly, I don't ever want to see it. The same goes with talking while eating, chew your food, swallow, then continue talking. 
6. When people just invite themselves over. If you're my best friend I expect you to invite yourself over and walk in my house. That's what I do. If we're just friends, you better wait for an invite and knock on that front door. The same thing goes for parties, unless I tell you go ahead and bring them, you better ask. If you bring someone I don't like to my house, its gonna get bad. 
7. Even though I'm guilty of it, it makes me mad when people continuously dog on the president. Regardless of who he is, give the old dude a break. I'm not a fan of Obama, and some of the decisions he's made, but I respect the man. The responsibility and pressure that guy feels is more than any one, other than former presidents, can imagine. Most people don't even realize that the president doesn't have as much say as we think, he can't just snap his fingers and make something happen. If he could, we wouldn't have a president, we'd have a dictator. Oh and before you dog a new bill or plan, take some time and become knowledgeable on the subject. Try to form an educated opinion and not an ignorant one.
8. I'm a Christian, I was saved and baptized a long time ago and I know I will be going to Heaven when I die. What makes me angry is the bad rap other Christians give each other. I'm a baptist, but I don't agree with almost anything Westboro stands for (I say almost because I haven't researched them that much, and I don't want to lie). I also hate when Christian's say they can't be friends with anyone that isn't a Christian. Uh, hello? That's our whole purpose. We're supposed to go out to the non-believers and show them how Christ has impacted our life and made us a good person. We're not to pass judgement, that's not our job, we're to lead people to Jesus and be role models for society. As a Christian, I feel like I'm to be accepting of others. I shouldn't push my religion, but be ready to lead anyone to it that feels like they need Jesus, to him. I should forgive those who wrong me, and honestly accept their apology. If you haven't already heard this, please, please comprehend this next sentence. God loves everybody. EVERYBODY. There is nothing you can do, that God won't forgive. Your past and all those sins can and will be forgiven, if you just give yourself over to God and agree to live for him. The peace and serenity you will receive is one of the most amazing things you will ever experience. Once you let him in, he will always be there. He's always just a short prayer away, anyway.
9. Every time some one in class has a little hissy fit and talks back to the teacher, I get seriously mad. It doesn't matter if you're right and they're wrong, there's a time and a place to point them out. No one likes being called out in front of a large group, you're making a scene and it's wasting time. If you would just shut up and put up with dumb people you'll slide through school.
10. When people continuously talk down on the United States. Like okay bro, you hate it so much here let's just send you to Somalia or Sudan for a year and see how you feel. We may not be at the very top, but I'd rather live here than any where else in the world. 

3 Months.

3 Months. 12 weeks. 92 days. They all mean the same thing time wise. I've gone that long knowing I have to go the rest of my life without my best friend. People say time heals all pain, well I don't think 92 years is going to heal this kind of pain. It's been over 3 months since I've watched my favorite movie, because I can't handle watching it without Steeler. I've learned that I can be a pretty good actress when I want to be. You wake up, you let it hit you that there's a piece missing, then put on a smile and live by helping others. To say I've pushed people away is an understatement. The same could be said for letting people in. I've practically pushed everyone away that I wasn't extremely close to. I've also opened up and allowed for complete strangers to really know who I am. I'm afraid to make new friends, because I don't want to lose any one else. I couldn't deal with that kind of pain twice, at least not right now.

It's the strangest thing, going from having someone a phone call or 10 minute drive away, to having them disappear from the same realm. At times these three months have slowly trickled by, and at other times they've flown by. If you would have told me 100 days ago that I'd be without my best friend for 92 days right now, I would've told you, you were crazy and I wouldn't survive. I would've underestimated myself. I've proven to myself how strong I really can be. I would be a liar if I said I didn't cry frequently or feel lost or have increased anxiety. All of those things have accompanied the worst year of my life. However, if this stays the worst year of my life, I can live with that. I'd rather have it all happen now, so I can move on later and be happy.

I've learned how to live through different songs, letting it out, and having to live with the fact that I can't change a thing. Which is hard, because I have to be in control in order to be calm, but I've done it. A lot of people tell me they still can't believe Steeler's gone. Well I can, because to much has changed for him to still be here. If he was here, he'd be coming to my house tomorrow, we'd be going to get sushi, we'd go buy matching cardigans. I can believe that he's gone, because we aren't doing those things. He hasn't made a stupid Facebook status with terrible grammar and spelling that I have to correct, he hasn't called me to tell me his latest dumb stunt, we haven't gone to get pizza and dr. pepper because the food our dads made was taking too long. That's how I know he's gone. I've accepted that.

What I haven't accepted, is the fact that someone took him away. I wish so badly, that it had been a car accident, that would be so much easier to understand. I hate the fact that someone knows what he was doing outside his car or knows what happened at all, and I don't have the slightest idea. All I have are assumptions, and they get you no where. I feel bad for saying I don't want to know, but knowing makes it so real. I like to ignore that part. I don't need to know why or how it happened, it happened. I can't change that, and knowing how or why doesn't make it any easier. I've watched people do 360s and completely change who they used to be because of what happened. I haven't changed that much, if anything I've just gotten firmer in my beliefs and stopped caring what everyone thinks. I'm sad. I miss my best friend. I miss that missing piece. I'm slowly moving forward, though. Making a little process is sometimes the only thing you can wish for.

Tips For Life: Part 2

After my first blog, then the bros and girls blogs, I realized I had left some things out. These are those things.

1. To parents: remember your child has to live with the fact that you're their parent. They have your genes and have to deal with everything you've done that's out of their control. It wouldn't do you any harm to think before you open your mouth or do something regrettable. Your past might haunt you, but it haunts them too, and could eventually drive them far, far away from you. 
2. Stop being so judgmental, it's not cool. Just because they don't dress like you or hang out with the same people as you do, doesn't mean they aren't an awesome person inside. I'm friends with all types of people and they can vouch for me. Some of my "uncool" friends are the best people I know. 
3. Get rid of that attitude. The one where if it's not your way it's the highway. That will get you absolutely no where in life. 
4. Learn some manners. Sometimes a simple thank you can completely change someones day around and make them feel appreciated. Plus, being rude is just rude. No one likes rude people. I hate rude people, they make me very angry. 
5. You have a family, they might not be blood related, but everyone has one. Always stay connected to that family, when times get tough they are gonna be the ones there to pick you up, brush you off, and tell you that you are going to be fine. At some point, you're going to need them. 
6. Accept change. People change everyday, and it's something you have to get used to. It's hard, but it has to happen in order to deal with life. 
7. Make connections. If I've learned anything in FBLA it's that networking is the most important thing you can do. You may never know who that person you're sitting next to is until you take a chance and start a conversation, they just might be someone extremely important.
8. There is no need to be prejudice, sexist, or racist. Seriously, the color of someone's skin, their religion, their waist size, or their gender should never be the basis of your opinion on who they are inside. These days people decide their opinion of each other at first glance, stop doing that. It's amazing the people you'll meet when you push those judgements out of your head. 
9. Take a lesson from children. Before you thought you had to conform to fill the mold others created, you were imaginative and full of ideas. Try to think outside the box and color the cow purple instead of brown. Stop trying to be so cool, if you just decide to be yourself, you're automatically cool.
10. There's no reason for you to talk to someone 24/7. Believe it or not, it does you some good to have a little time for yourself. You really don't need all that attention. It's nice some times, but not all the time. If you can be alone you're much stronger than someone who needs to talk to people at all times. 
11. Music can be good and music can be bad. Most of the time music is created to evoke a feeling. Watch out that those feelings created by a song, don't take over your life. Music is wonderful, and an amazing escape. Don't let it be your only escape. 
12. Don't let one thing about a person change your total opinion about them or how you act around them. So what Anderson Cooper is gay, he's still an awesome reporter. One thing doesn't change who that person really is. *By the way I completely adore Anderson Cooper*
13. Pay attention to the world around you, being ignorant only hurts you. 
14. Try to get basic geography in school, no one wants to be caught on "Jay Walking" and not know what the United States looks like or what the capitol of the United States is. It'd also be good to learn proper spelling, reading, and grammar so you don't look like a fool.
15. When a friend needs you, be there. There are times to be selfish and say you can't do what they want, but there are times when you really need to drop everything and go be with them. If you can figure out that balance you'll have the best friends ever and forever. 

End of Part 2.

American Dream

If you were unaware before, I am in absolute love with Maroon 5's new album, Overexposed. I could listen to it on repeat for weeks. So, if you haven't already purchased the album, do so now. Like, right now. You won't regret it. Okay, moving on to my point now. On my way to Tulsa to catch a flight to Dallas, I was listening to the song Fortune Teller, from said album, and I actually started listening. One line is "And your American Dream, baby it just isn't me." Usually songs have lines that I love and love to quote, but this one hit me like a freight train. Basically the song is about a guy telling a girl he has no clue where their relationship is going and he knows they want different things in life, but he doesn't want to let her go (so I believe). Anyway, that one line made me connect to the song in a different way than I ever have with any other song. It fits me so well. The very thought of a little white fence, 2.5 kids, a two car garage, reasonable cars, and a husband who works the 9-5 while I sit at home or do the same, completely bores me. I can honestly say, I will do my hardest to never end up in that situation. That path is not for me, I need so much more in life than simple. I don't look down upon those who choose to carry on the typical "American Dream", in fact I wish I could settle for that. I have this extreme need to be known. Not in the "center of attention when I walk in the room" known, but the "Wow, that's Megan Ball, I want to be like her someday" known. The known where I can improve someone's life, and maybe inspire them to live up to their full potential. That would make me happy, but I want to be important. I don't want normal, I don't think I really ever have, and I'm not average. I work hard not to be average. I can't stand the idea of average.

I told my mom tonight, that I have no idea why people like me, they just do. Not that I don't want to be liked, I just don't see the appeal. She told me it was because I wasn't mean to people and I avoided drama. Which is completely true, I hate when people are mean to one another. I can't be rude, it's extremely out of character for me. I avoid drama, because conflict gives me anxiety attacks. If you've never had anxiety then you don't realize the feeling you get. It's terrible, like your insides are being flipped around and your lungs held in place. You can't move, you have to force yourself to breathe and not lose your composure. You want to run away. You can call me a chicken if you want to, but I'm protecting myself by not confronting you. I'd rather just walk away from the problem if I can.

So, maybe politics isn't for me. There's a lot of confrontation, but its formal. If I end up in it, at least I'll be one of the honest ones out there. I don't really know where I belong, I'm working on figuring it out though.

Now for the list of my favorite songs on Overexposed, in order from 1-12. 1 being my favorite.

1. Sad 
2. Fortune Teller
3. Lucky Strike
4. Beautiful Goodbye
5. The Man Who Never Lied
6. One More Night
7. Daylight
8. Love Some Body
9. Doin' Dirt
10. Payphone
11. Tickets
12. Lady Killer

Really after the top 4 I love all of them the same. Go listen to them though. Right now. 

I'm baaack

So, for the last six days I was in San Antonio, TX. I give it no special adjective, because I didn't find the town that special. Don't get me wrong the Tower of Americas had a sweet view, and the river walk was interesting, however, the town itself had no appeal. I loved the city lights and noises at night, hated that I couldn't escape mexican food or find good sweet tea, and had a wonderful time with my lovely Willapoo kids (mix of Willard and Kickapoo FBLA students).

That's my view from the Tower of Americas. It was pretty awesome.

That's my view from my hotel room. Ugly during the day, but beautiful at night, you can also see my reflection, which makes it even cooler.

That's my best friend, Remi, and I celebrating our love for America at some Mexican place.

That's my amazement at the sight of a 46 in pizza from Big Joe's, delicious, but not worth a 4 hour wait.

All in all, I had an amazing time and became friends/better friends with awesome people from all over the state and the country. Even though we didn't make it to finals this year, I believe we can do much better next year and hopefully get on that national's stage.  I can't even explain how thankful I am for FBLA. It's completely changed my life. I'm no longer a follower who sits in the class and doesn't answer questions. Now, I lead discussions and I'm not afraid to make friends with anyone. I don't have awkward moments, and I'm confident in what I do. I give all of that to FBLA.

I can't begin to type out all the funny stories and events that happened while down in Texas. It was a great time, but I'm even more excited to go see Anaheim, CA next summer. I'm not for sure what I'll be competing in yet, but I plan on doing whatever it takes to get to Anaheim. I'm thankful for my advisors and fellow FBLA students for leading me to the best student organization in the world, and making the best experiences of my life. I adore FBLA and can't wait to see what it holds in store for me for my last year of high school.

Now, back to my good 'ol blogs. I missed those.

The Next 6 Days

Tomorrow afternoon I will be flying out of Tulsa, OK to Dallas, TX then on to San Antonio for the 2012 FBLA National Leadership Contest. I'm competing in Website Design for the second year in a row. Last year, we placed 15. This year, I hope we place in at least the top 10 and I think we have a good chance at doing so. If you want to see our site go to: www.willardbiz.com/engaged.

I absolutely love FBLA, it's something I'm good at and I enjoy meeting new people. I've got friends spread all across the state thanks to FBLA , and I adore all of them. Orlando was a blast last year, and I'm sure this year will be even better because I won't be rooming with complete strangers. That was interesting, mostly fun, and a little awkward, but I'm glad I got to meet Erica and Monica and the rest of the girls from their school. I'm so thankful for the opportunities FBLA has blessed me with. I can only imagine what I'd be like without it.

I keep thinking about this time last year when we left for Orlando. 5 boys, 1 girl, 2 advisors. I got on the plane and once we were off decided to listen to some music. I got out my iPod and found out I only had like 200 songs out of 1500. I then remembered the weekend before when Steeler came over. He had asked if he could use my iTunes and take some songs, I said sure and he proceeded to take an hour to finish what he was doing. On that plane, I realized he had unchecked all the songs but the ones he wanted, leaving me (who synced her phone the night before) without the songs I wanted. As the plane landed, I made sure to text him and give him a piece of my mind. He laughed and said sorry, but I knew he really didn't mean it. I miss those conversations.

So, this blog is really just to say I won't be able to write for the next 6 days. As soon as I get home, I promise to write one and tell all my stories about San Antonio and let everyone know how we did.

20 Things About Me

I've come to the conclusion, that a lot of people really don't know that much about me. So I'm going to list some things about myself that I think and approve of everyone knowing.

1. I want to be the President or a CEO of a large company. I'd rather be President. If I can't get to one of those, I want a job where I get to be a part of a wrestling team for the rest of my life. 
2. In my life, I've only wanted three different careers: Vet, Psychiatrist, Businesswoman 
3. I absolutely refuse to go to college in Missouri, but once upon a time I was dead set on going to Drury.
4. I have extremely bad anxiety. I get attacks when people fight in front of me, when I think I'm going to get in trouble, when I have to do something brand new for the first time and I could embarrass myself, when I go into nursing homes, when I talk about my anxiety issues, and sometimes randomly. 
5. Itty bitty things about people bother me. If nothing about you bothers me, it's a miracle, so far that's only happened with one person. 
6. I want to get married in Vegas. Showing that much affection and being that vulnerable in public makes me nervous. 
7. I listen to bluegrass more than any other music. If I can't listen to that, I prefer country. 
8. I would rather wear a t-shirt and shorts than get dressed up. I only dress up when I absolutely have to. However, I love business attire and high heels. 
9. I'm very protective, probably overprotective of the wrestling room. I don't like when other girls are in there or when they want to be manager. It's like my sanctuary from the rest of school and I don't like sharing the team. 
10. I shoot trap. I shoot a lot. It's one of my favorite things to do. It's exhilarating and I love it. It will probably one of the things I'm still doing when I'm 80.
11. I don't like to trying to be friends. In fact, I'm really not that good of a friend unless I like you and want to be friends with you.
12. I don't ever want children. The idea of having to be responsible for a life other than my own terrifies me and makes me nervous. Plus diapers make me puke.
13. I'm an extremely fast reader and I comprehend it all unless I have to read out loud. If I read out loud, I usually mix the sentence order up and I can't remember a thing. 
14. I hate when people sound pitiful on the phone, it gets on my nerves. 
15. I have terrible sleep patterns. Sometimes I can sleep 12 hours and sometimes I can only sleep 4.
16. I suck at doing my hair. I can straighten it and that's about it. If my hair is ever actually styled, someone else did it. 
17. I used to drink milk all the time, but now it grosses me out and makes my stomach hurt. Now, I can only drink water, sweet tea, pepsi, or dr. pepper.
18. I read CNN all the time. It keeps me informed.
19. I only watch Dance Moms and Gossip Girl religiously. 
20. I'm very observant. It teaches me more than talking ever could. Therefore, I'm a pretty good judge of character. 

Facebook Etiquette

I've noticed lately, that Facebook has changed. It's no longer just a status or two about what you're doing, who you're with, or your plans for the weekend. Now it's full of not so honest tbhs, dumb shared photos, and depressing statuses. If we all worked together, we could possibly turn Facebook around and save it from a horrible demise.

1. No more To Be Honests. Very few are actually honest, if they were there would be so many more Facebook fights. 
2. Stop sharing and liking those pictures that ask for shares and likes. They're annoying and take up everyone's newsfeed. 
3. Rate, date, hate. No. Stop those. They also are annoying and take up everyone's newsfeed. 
4. Don't post a status every 3 minutes. If you want to do that take it to twitter.
5. Speaking of twitter, hashtags only work on twitter. Stop putting them in your statues. It doesn't work like that. On twitter hashtags link your tweet to other tweets with the same hashtag. 
6. Don't be the annoying Facebook girl. If you don't know who she is, look her up. She's funny, but you do not want to be her. 
7. If you play a game on Facebook, don't send your requests to your entire friends list. It's obnoxious.
8. When you upload a multitude of pictures at one time, put them in an album. Don't just upload them to your wall one by one. That kills the newsfeed of mobile users.
9. Stop complaining about all the changes Facebook makes. You still use it. If you hated it, you would have deleted your account by now. 
10. There's no need for 500 pictures of yourself to be put in 5 different albums. You actually only need a few pictures of yourself and the majority should be of you and friends. That shows you aren't a loser who sits at home on Facebook all day. 

Now do everyone of your Facebook friends a favor and changes your ways. Follow these rules, and we can have our decent Facebook back. Thank you. 

*Under the request of Wendy, I must add that you should try to take pictures outside of your bathroom where your toilet is not exposed.*

Memories Over Material

Currently, I'm sitting on my back deck with my best friend, Kelsie, eating some black berry cobbler that my amazing sister, Megan, made. We're listening to Kenny Chesney and telling each other stories while waiting to see my mom's alien spaceship. Now, my mom has absolutely no clue what blogging is, I've tried to explain it and she doesn't get it. She just puts it with all the other technological things that I do, and she doesn't. She told me today, like she has many times before that material things don't matter. You can't take it with you when you die, so why do you need it? Memories are much more important, they can actually last a lifetime. I've met so many people that are materialistic. I try not to be, and it bothers me when people are. I feel bad for them, there's so much more to life than stuff. There's just something humbling about not having the best of everything or not having all the in-style clothes.

Lately, all I've wanted was pictures of my best friend. We have three together. One was taken on purpose by him at state, one is of him hugging me in the wrestling room taken from behind us, and the other is one where we were taken off guard at a wrestling tournament. I wish we had more together. I have the tie-dye shirt I made him, that he wrote I'm a Jew on and wore to every wrestling tournament. That's serves as a pillow case for my favorite pillow that I sleep with every night. I have a bracelet that Thomas gave me of Steeler's name and birthdate/death date. I have a dog tag that Wendy gave me; it's my security blanket and makes me feel safe. I don't leave my house without it. The only other thing I have is memories. Sure I have a few text messages, but none of them make very much sense because we always just called each other. What keeps me going is driving around, hearing a song, seeing a movie, or being able to do anything and have a memory pop up in my head. Almost all of them are wonderful and make me smile. That was the thing about Steeler, I have less than a handful of bad memories. He didn't allow for bad times, and when the circumstances were less than ideal, he could make the situation a whole lot better.

So memories make things better. I have more than a dozen songs that remind me of Steeler, sad ones and just old ones we used to listen to on repeat. When I hear them, I smile. I miss him more and more everyday. It blows my mind how some people have just moved on. I guess we all cope differently. I sometimes wish we could all be like Steeler, in the way that he never knew a stranger. He wasn't afraid to be himself and you weren't afraid to be yourself around him. I think the world would be a lot friendlier.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. Don't let the material things take over your life. Live off of memories and let them carry you when times get rough. Take the time to be friendly with a stranger, you might make their day a little brighter.

Girl Talk - Tips for the Girls

I know by writing this, I'm going to step on someone's toes and offend someone. I do have girl friends, but I'm guilty of being like every other girl and saying "I only hang out with boys, I hate girls.". And during wrestling season, that's very true, but my two best friends are girls now. As a disclaimer to girls - I'm guilty of some of the things I'm going to say, I'll tell you which ones. I've recently learned that I like girls, girls need girls as friends. So in advance, sorry if anything makes you mad.

1. Admit that you love drama. You hate being apart of the drama, but watching it is awesome. Girls live for that drama, we love it. I can admit that I love Facebook fights, talking about those fights, and watching real life cat fights go down. I hate when those fights involve me. I usually do whatever it takes to not be involved in one of those. 
2. We all love the duck face, but apparently boys don't, whatever. Duck face used to be the go to girl group face, now it's retiring. Like myspace, it's a thing of the past. However, if you are sitting at home bored and decide to do a short photo shoot, bring that duck face out of retirement and have an awesome time. Otherwise a smile is going to have to work. 
3. Everyone of us is guilty of being fake. I've been fake before so I didn't have to deal with a fight. Learn to admit that you can be fake, because most of the time being fake is a whole lot harder than being real. People don't like fake though, and if you do it too much eventually you'll be labeled as fake. 
4. If he cheats on you, don't take him back. That's hard and there's always exceptions to every rule, but cheating doesn't deserve a second chance. If he can do it once, he's probably gonna do it again. 
5. If he cheats on you, why are you mad at the girl he cheated with, but able to forgive him? Come one, every time I see this it makes me so mad. Sure, no one likes a home wrecker, but she didn't cheat on you. He did. Be mad at both of them, but forgive her and forget him. Please. 
6. Don't be a home wrecker. That's how you get names that I don't want to write in my blog.
7. Don't change who you are to please anyone. That just leads to your unhappiness. If you can't find someone who really appreciates who you are, step back and look around, someone does. Be yourself, be happy, and be with who makes you happy. 
8. Stop hating each other. It's competitiveness and jealousy that causes us to hate each other. I'm an extremely jealous person when it comes to certain things, but I've taught myself to relax and let it go. So let it go, and try not to hate that girl for something she did years ago. 
9. Modesty is somewhat rare nowadays. So for those who don't want to see where you will birth children from, find some shorts that aren't tighter than spandex and are long enough to leave something to the imagination. When it comes to boobs, top boob is something that can be dealt with. You can't wear a t-shirt to everything. The rest of your boob needs to stay hidden. The world doesn't need to see that. Keep that special outfit for Halloween when it's okay.
10. Don't hold yourself back for a boy or anyone for that matter. You need to do what's best for you. If it was meant to be, you're going to find your way back to each other. 

So that's it for now, girls. Maybe more some other time. Take these into consideration, please. 

"Bro" Tips - My Tips for the Boys

I've been on teams with girls and boys my entire life. I was raised around boys and I still don't really understand them. I do see things every day though, that bother me. This are my bro tips to give the boys some advice from a girls point of view.

1. Don't be a tool. If you don't know what that means, look up the definition of a tool and do the opposite.
2. Don't come on too strong. That only works on some girls. Most of the time, it creeps us out. Stop saying how much you want to be with me, when I've only known you a week. You don't know me yet. 
3. There is this break in ages where dating that girl becomes creepy. Brotips.com has an awesome little calculation to let you know if you should date her or not. Find it and use it. 
4. There comes a time, when you need to give up hope on a girl. Sure there's always a chance she'll come around and like you finally. But come one, who wants to be with someone who has to be convinced to like you. There might even be a chance, that if you stop trying, she will like you. 
5. Keep in mind that most people can screen shot anything, and not everything you say stays between the two of you. If it's super personal and you only want her to know, tell her in person. It means more and she can't show all her friends your super sweet side. 
6. Burping and farting is disgusting. Most girls think one is grosser than the other. For example, I think burping is the nastiest thing in the world and it makes me want to vomit. In short, try to keep those nasty things to yourself or when you're with your bros.
7. Giving male cheerleaders a hard time isn't cool. 1) they get to touch more butts than you 2) they probably got their college paid for 3) they spend more time with girls than you, they know more about them than you. Learn from them.
8. Girls will use you, if they sense that they can. Don't let them. If you are spending tons of money on her, bringing her whatever she wants, and practically bowing down at her feet and she's giving you nothing in return but saying you are "best friends" and "I love you bestie"- YOU ARE JUST FRIENDS. STOP SUCKING UP TO HER. IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU. Seriously though, stop wasting your time and get someone who cares about you.
9. Some girls just send smiley faces and lol's in every text; it doesn't mean they are flirting with you. They probably aren't, it's just a girly thing to do. If they only do it occasionally, flirting could be a possibility. On the same note, if you use hearts in every text I will make fun of you. Not every girl will, but if they're like me, they will.
10. Never call a girl ugly or fat. You have no idea how personal we take that stuff. As if body image issues weren't common enough, very few girls can handle being called ugly or fat. In fact, don't call a girl any names that could hurt her feelings, even if you're joking. Chances are, it's still going to hurt her and she'll obsess over what you said. We take that stuff like a knife to the chest. 

So boys, use these and learn the lessons now, before you make a mistake and lose a girl. Oh and watch out, girls are mean. 

10 Things That Annoy Me

There's a lot of things in life I just don't quite get, or that make me mad/annoyed. Here's a short list of those things.

1. When someone says they don't want to talk about it, why won't you drop it? Sometimes people just don't want to talk about what's wrong at that time. If they want to talk about it, they will. Stop asking, it's annoying.
2. If I don't text you back the first 5 times, what makes you think 5 more texts are going to make me reply? They aren't. You're annoying. Stop doing that, chances are if I didn't reply, I didn't want to talk to you. Please do the world a favor and take a hint.
3. Why are you smoking? If you're under like 50, let alone 18, smoking hasn't really been that cool in your generation. One - cigarettes are nasty, they smell bad, and are expensive. Two - they fill your lungs with tar. All I think of when I see young people smoking is "trashy". Plain and simple don't do it. 
4. Oh you're a size 4 and you think you're fat? Come on, unless you have an eating disorder, you just want attention. It doesn't make me want to reassure you, it makes me want to punch you for being so annoying.
5. All you do is get drunk and high? Cool, don't talk to me. I don't need that crap to be happy. In fact, the one party I went to made me pity everyone there. If that's your life, you should really consider setting some goals or making new friends. 
6. Why is your bass so loud? Call me an old lady, but I hate when bass is obnoxiously loud. I don't want to feel my car shake while I'm driving. I'd also like to be able to hear if an ambulance is behind me, or to hear when I'm 60. 
7. Oh you break up every 2 weeks, but continue to get back together 57 times? Why are you still together? There's either one of two things happening, one - you guys can't freaking solve an argument so you just break up so you can have a "clean slate", or two - both of you think there's no one else out there. Newsflash - there's no such thing as a clean slate when you don't solve the problem, it's still there and will be brought back up eventually. There's someone else. If there isn't I'm sure you guys can find each other again. 
8. Your only means of communication is yelling? No one only wants to hear yelling. Try just once to put all your "need to have the last word" feelings aside and listen, maybe what they're trying to say is important. It's been proven that talking quieter actually makes people listen more. Give it a go. 
9. You've been together for years and he/she has never cheated on you, yet you still have this crazy thought that they want to cheat on you. Get over yourself, or actually get into yourself. Obviously you have some self-esteem issues.Trust them, because if you can never trust them, you might as well break up. Relationships don't work without trust.
10. Oh you heard from so and so and they heard from her who heard from him? I'm sure that's the real story. Clarify things before you run your mouth and keep the train going. People are going to give you some respect for being straight forward and asking if something happened to their face, opposed to just joining the masses and repeating it.

That's all for now. Obviously, there will probably be more later. Especially when I go back to school. 

Wrestling

The title wrestling doesn't give this sport credit. To say a sport saved your life isn't uncommon. Wrestling didn't save my life. It's made me who I am. I have never stepped foot on a mat with the intention of wrestling. I've cleaned, tumbled, told stories, and laughed until I cried on those mats. My winters, springs, and summers revolve around being in that room and gyms across the state. I am lucky enough to say I don't just have a blood family, I have a wrestling family. For the past 5 years I've been stat girl, mat maid, wrestling manager, whatever you want to call it, to the Willard Wrestling Team.

Honestly, I have no idea what my life would be like if my brother had never decided to wrestle. I'd probably still be on the dance team or a cheerleader, I quit because they interfered with duals and tournaments. I used to want to go to LSU, until I found out they didn't have a wrestling program. I can't imagine my life without wrestling. I've found myself giving dirty looks to anyone who doesn't know who Cael Sanderson or Dan Gable is. The first time Cael Sanderson replied to me on twitter I screamed and bounced up and down like a little girl. When he followed me I practically passed out. I would rather read a wrestling magazine then some gossip bull. That's how obsessed I am.

I guess I really can't explain what wrestling is to me. That room is where I'm most comfortable. I  can be myself with a group of 20 people that share the same love. My life has been centered around a sport that is a family. The wrestling community is so connected, and we have to be to stand up for something that doesn't get nearly the credit it deserves. Dan Gable once said, "Once you've wrestled, every thing else in life is easy." I couldn't agree more with that. I know no matter where I go, I can connect with a wrestler. I can spot one from a mile away. I've met amazing people, I have so many brothers and 2nd moms and dads because of wrestling. I have no idea how I'm going to get through my last year with this particular family. However, I do know that in college, I'm going to do whatever it takes to be a part of a team, because I won't survive without one.

Tips for Life

Throughout my life I've established guidelines for myself, hopefully to get me some where in life. I will now share with you my "tips":

1. Don't hold yourself back for one person. Unless that person is your child, you need to do what's best for you. 
2. Don't rely on relationships in high school. I don't think dating in high school is a good idea, but that's because I don't want to be stuck here because of feelings. I know plenty of high school relationships that are still going strong. They're the exception. Most likely, you are not the exception.
3. If you don't like someone, don't lead them on. This applies in all aspects: dating, friendship, potential assistants/employees. Giving them any hope is mean. At the same time, do not be rude to them. They've done nothing wrong to deserve to be treated in a rude manor. 
4. Try your absolute hardest to tell the truth. Most of the time it sucks, and is super hard to do. However, it's gonna suck 10 x more if or when they find out you lied. You're also going to be respected by a lot of people for being "real" (whatever that means). 
5. Care about what people think. If you didn't care you'd be trashy, dirty, and probably unhealthy. 
6. Don't care about what people think. There's a line that needs to be drawn when it comes to how much you care. Don't let their opinion of you affect the way you live, unless it will improve your life. 
7. Be nice. Nice guys finish last is such bull crap. I try my hardest to be a nice person, sometimes I have to let the mean out, but I try to be nice and polite to everyone. It will give you more opportunities then you think.
8. Suck it up. Life isn't easy, things are going to get really, really hard sometimes. You're allowed to feel pain and let those bad times make you cry. Don't let them break you apart. Cry, mourn, hurt. But there comes a time when you need to suck it up and move on. Don't forget, but don't get stuck.
9. Let it hurt. If you don't know what I mean please refer to the Rascal Flatts song Let it Hurt. You have to let things get to sometimes, they're changing your life and who you are as a person. You can't ignore it forever. Use that hurt to grow. You can either give up or keep going. Make a valiant effort to keep going. It'll be worth it in the end. 
10. Don't take everything personally. Somethings are going to feel like a knife in your stomach, chances are it wasn't meant to hurt that badly. There's a reason people say no offense before they say something that offends you. They don't want it to, but it has to be said. Use what they say and brush it off. Sometimes things are going to really, really bother you. You'll need to learn how to deal with that and eventually it won't bother you anymore. 
11. Get some self-esteem. Seriously, when you respect yourself, so do other people. When you can be comfortable in your own skin you can do anything. Stop tearing yourself down, try to look in the mirror and pick out what you love about yourself. Then reach inside, and look at your personality, there are going to be good and bad things. Pick out the good and really polish those. You'll feel so much better and realize you don't need all that attention you thought you did. 
12. Smile. Smiling opens up amazing opportunities. People love smiling. 
13. Be bold. Introduce yourself to strangers, perfect your handshake, know how to brag about yourself (without really bragging),  and don't be afraid to stand out. The ones who don't act "cool" are probably going to get further in life than those who care what everyone thinks. 
14. Partying isn't really that awesome. If your life revolves around partying, I feel extremely sorry for you. Try to have fun while being completely sober. It isn't that hard and you can remember it. Don't abstain from partying though, have fun, just don't make bad decisions that are going to hurt you in the morning.
15. Find something to live for. Not just one thing, multiple things. Set a goal and achieve it. Then set another one. Have a purpose in your life. Without a purpose you're going to get lost. Try not to get lost. 

That's all for now. I hope these can help someone like they've helped me. They will probably be more later when I remember something important.