8 months.

8 months have now passed by since the last time I heard your voice, saw you smile, or got the pleasure of knowing you were just a phone call away. It's wrestling season now, and I guess I never realized how hard this was going to be. If there's one thing I truly completely love, it's wrestling. Now it's bittersweet. Listening to "I believe I can fly" before our first home dual last night, might have been the hardest thing I've had to do since your funeral. It was a solemn moment in the room, because every single person knew what the other was thinking about. I kept my composure, but barely. That's when it hit me that this season was going to be completely different. We had our first tournament last Saturday, and the bus ride was hard for me, because you always sat across or in front of me. It was ritual, and I never before had to think of where to sit. I was thankful to ride home with Zoe, because I didn't want to focus on you not being with me anymore. It's a different atmosphere this year. No one is wrestling just to win, they're wrestling to win and to make you proud. When anyone loses, or just wrestles bad, they aren't just upset, they're completely disappointed. All they want to do is give it their all for you. I realized that I was lucky, because through all this, I now have a bunch of brothers. Last year I had my wrestling family, but it wasn't nearly as big as it is this year. We don't even have to talk, a simple look can tell exactly how we feel. I don't think I could do it without them. I'm so proud of those boys. I don't think it's a secret that I have favorites, but I've always had favorites. From Joel and Taylor, to you and Jesse, to Connar and Thomas. You'll always be my favorite. Second to Taylor of course.

My birthday is Wednesday, and you won't be here to forget it, or get me all the candy I don't like so I just give it you instead. That sucks. Like really really bad. But I think I'll survive. You know, Steeler, I'm so glad I'm almost done with this year. I don't know if I can really call it the worst year of my life or not. I lost my best friend, and that hurts more than I could ever put into words. However, so many opportunities have given me hope for what's to come. I've met heroes, and I've gained friendships that would have never happened before your death. I guess I had to trade you for everything that I have now. I still wish that trade never happened. When I lost you, I lost a little bit of myself, but I think I'm finding it now. It's never going to be completely fixed, but I think I can glue it together well enough. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I'm even more thankful that eventually, I'll get to see you again. Until then, please keep an eye on your brothers. They need a little helping hand more than people think. Let God know we need his grace to keep us healthy and together. And most importantly, remember that I love you, those boys love you, and every single one of us misses you more than you'll ever know.

3 Months.

3 Months. 12 weeks. 92 days. They all mean the same thing time wise. I've gone that long knowing I have to go the rest of my life without my best friend. People say time heals all pain, well I don't think 92 years is going to heal this kind of pain. It's been over 3 months since I've watched my favorite movie, because I can't handle watching it without Steeler. I've learned that I can be a pretty good actress when I want to be. You wake up, you let it hit you that there's a piece missing, then put on a smile and live by helping others. To say I've pushed people away is an understatement. The same could be said for letting people in. I've practically pushed everyone away that I wasn't extremely close to. I've also opened up and allowed for complete strangers to really know who I am. I'm afraid to make new friends, because I don't want to lose any one else. I couldn't deal with that kind of pain twice, at least not right now.

It's the strangest thing, going from having someone a phone call or 10 minute drive away, to having them disappear from the same realm. At times these three months have slowly trickled by, and at other times they've flown by. If you would have told me 100 days ago that I'd be without my best friend for 92 days right now, I would've told you, you were crazy and I wouldn't survive. I would've underestimated myself. I've proven to myself how strong I really can be. I would be a liar if I said I didn't cry frequently or feel lost or have increased anxiety. All of those things have accompanied the worst year of my life. However, if this stays the worst year of my life, I can live with that. I'd rather have it all happen now, so I can move on later and be happy.

I've learned how to live through different songs, letting it out, and having to live with the fact that I can't change a thing. Which is hard, because I have to be in control in order to be calm, but I've done it. A lot of people tell me they still can't believe Steeler's gone. Well I can, because to much has changed for him to still be here. If he was here, he'd be coming to my house tomorrow, we'd be going to get sushi, we'd go buy matching cardigans. I can believe that he's gone, because we aren't doing those things. He hasn't made a stupid Facebook status with terrible grammar and spelling that I have to correct, he hasn't called me to tell me his latest dumb stunt, we haven't gone to get pizza and dr. pepper because the food our dads made was taking too long. That's how I know he's gone. I've accepted that.

What I haven't accepted, is the fact that someone took him away. I wish so badly, that it had been a car accident, that would be so much easier to understand. I hate the fact that someone knows what he was doing outside his car or knows what happened at all, and I don't have the slightest idea. All I have are assumptions, and they get you no where. I feel bad for saying I don't want to know, but knowing makes it so real. I like to ignore that part. I don't need to know why or how it happened, it happened. I can't change that, and knowing how or why doesn't make it any easier. I've watched people do 360s and completely change who they used to be because of what happened. I haven't changed that much, if anything I've just gotten firmer in my beliefs and stopped caring what everyone thinks. I'm sad. I miss my best friend. I miss that missing piece. I'm slowly moving forward, though. Making a little process is sometimes the only thing you can wish for.

The Reason My Path Changed

At 7 in the morning on April 6, 2012 my mom came into my room, woke me up, and made me go into the living room. I sat down on the couch and heard the worst sentence she's ever said. "Megan, Steeler died last night." I don't know if you've ever burst in to tears, but before I heard that last word I was bawling.

Steeler Daulton Seaburn is the boy in the picture at the top of this blog. I believe in your life, certain people come along and some are meant to stay there, while others have to leave you, but change your life for the time they are there. I never imagined Steeler being one that had to leave. In fact, I had planned my entire life around the fact that he was never going to leave me. We weren't dating, he was not my boyfriend. He was my best friend. I've never been closer to anyone than I was with Steeler. For around four years, when someone asked who my best friends were, Stee was at the top of the list. I remember the first time he ever talked to me, I was in 7th grade (he was in 8th) and he walked up and asked if I was Taylor Ball's little sister. After saying yes, he proceeded to tell me how cool Taylor was for the rest of lunch. That was who Steeler was though, he talked to anyone and everyone. He was obnoxious, loud, and full of life. Everyone knew Steeler, he was always doing something to get in trouble, but he was the furthest thing from a bad kid. He was wrestling team captain, had a job, had tons of friends, was always busy, loved his family (the Seaburn clan is something else), and was always there for you if you needed him. I know a lot of people who have said Steeler was their best friend, but that's who he was. He would be anyone's best friend. I was just lucky to be one of his best friends too.

I don't really know how to explain how close we were to anyone. I've been told that we're the only ones who will ever truly understand it. I'm not a weak person, ask anyone I know, but my weakest moment was seeing my best friend laying in a casket at the front of a church. I pray that no one has to go through that at my age. It's the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing you can't do anything to bring him back.

I know the last time I told him I loved him and when he told me last. I know that entire conversation we had outside of the middle school. I hate that I didn't get to spend time with him the last week he was here. I'm forever grateful for the Saturday I got with him the week before he died. We laid in my bed talking about who knows what. It was my grandma's birthday party at my house and he came over, probably for the good food, and to talk about his latest problems. We got on my ranger and had to go take his dad something in the feed plot, I got stuck and he made fun of my driving for the rest of the ride. He tried to get me to run over a turtle, so instead I made him spill his drink all over the place. I always laughed so hard when I was with him. He made my day.

Even though this has by far been the hardest year of my life, some good has come out of Steeler leaving me. I've gotten very close to a few people I was either drifting from, or had never really known before. I've learned who cares, it's amazing the number of people who will be there for you when you need them. I've gained a lot of respect for people I didn't imagine ever caring about me. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that self-respect and self-worth are the most important things you could ever have in life. Once you have those, you don't need that acceptance that you think you do. In the past, I wasn't very confident, I had confidence but not the kind I needed. I'll definitely hit on those topics later because I'm very passionate them.

I know someone knows what I'm going through, I just don't want to believe that quite yet. I maybe strong, but I miss him everyday. I miss him more than I ever imagined I would. I cry often and sometimes I get angry, jealous, and more often then not confused. I'm angry any one could hit someone and leave them there to die and be able to keep it inside this long. I'm jealous that other people got to spend his last night with him, while I was in bed asleep. I'm so confused as to why my best friend had to be taken away in such an unsightly manor. I'm strong though, and I know I'm going to get through the worst of this.