Past, Present, Future

At any moment of weakness in my life, I turn to my past. Not my past as a whole, but past relationships. I don't mean legitimate relationships like dating, because I don't do that, but just relationships in general. For some reason, I don't really fully understand, it's so much easier than starting from scratch. I've had multiple opportunities to begin new relationships and move on from the past, but I always run back. It's like I have unfinished business with that person, and once I'm stronger I can leave them alone again. I realize that's pretty terrible, but it's something I've always done. I only let someone get so close before I have to push them away. I've done it countless times, and it always hurts me more than it hurts them. Maybe it's human nature, to turn back to a safety net, instead of running out into the unknown. I'm terrible at keeping up with new people, and since Steeler has died, I don't think I've made an effort to talk to anyone new. The cold truth is I don't want to be close to anyone. I want the feelings being close brings, without the commitment that entails. I have three actual best friends. I have good friends and friends, but only three really close best friends. The only reason I'm even close to them still is because they've forced me to be. I'm grateful they've done so. I'm so afraid of getting stuck. Right now, no one or no thing is keeping me here. I'd miss a total of maybe ten people, but not enough to stay and be with them. So many people pray they find love, I'm seventeen and praying I don't find it for a long time. I'm not afraid of being alone, I enjoy being alone. I'm afraid of being responsible for someone else, for having to be anything but selfish. Eventually, I want to be responsible for an entire country, but right now I just want to have to take care of myself.