3 Months.

3 Months. 12 weeks. 92 days. They all mean the same thing time wise. I've gone that long knowing I have to go the rest of my life without my best friend. People say time heals all pain, well I don't think 92 years is going to heal this kind of pain. It's been over 3 months since I've watched my favorite movie, because I can't handle watching it without Steeler. I've learned that I can be a pretty good actress when I want to be. You wake up, you let it hit you that there's a piece missing, then put on a smile and live by helping others. To say I've pushed people away is an understatement. The same could be said for letting people in. I've practically pushed everyone away that I wasn't extremely close to. I've also opened up and allowed for complete strangers to really know who I am. I'm afraid to make new friends, because I don't want to lose any one else. I couldn't deal with that kind of pain twice, at least not right now.

It's the strangest thing, going from having someone a phone call or 10 minute drive away, to having them disappear from the same realm. At times these three months have slowly trickled by, and at other times they've flown by. If you would have told me 100 days ago that I'd be without my best friend for 92 days right now, I would've told you, you were crazy and I wouldn't survive. I would've underestimated myself. I've proven to myself how strong I really can be. I would be a liar if I said I didn't cry frequently or feel lost or have increased anxiety. All of those things have accompanied the worst year of my life. However, if this stays the worst year of my life, I can live with that. I'd rather have it all happen now, so I can move on later and be happy.

I've learned how to live through different songs, letting it out, and having to live with the fact that I can't change a thing. Which is hard, because I have to be in control in order to be calm, but I've done it. A lot of people tell me they still can't believe Steeler's gone. Well I can, because to much has changed for him to still be here. If he was here, he'd be coming to my house tomorrow, we'd be going to get sushi, we'd go buy matching cardigans. I can believe that he's gone, because we aren't doing those things. He hasn't made a stupid Facebook status with terrible grammar and spelling that I have to correct, he hasn't called me to tell me his latest dumb stunt, we haven't gone to get pizza and dr. pepper because the food our dads made was taking too long. That's how I know he's gone. I've accepted that.

What I haven't accepted, is the fact that someone took him away. I wish so badly, that it had been a car accident, that would be so much easier to understand. I hate the fact that someone knows what he was doing outside his car or knows what happened at all, and I don't have the slightest idea. All I have are assumptions, and they get you no where. I feel bad for saying I don't want to know, but knowing makes it so real. I like to ignore that part. I don't need to know why or how it happened, it happened. I can't change that, and knowing how or why doesn't make it any easier. I've watched people do 360s and completely change who they used to be because of what happened. I haven't changed that much, if anything I've just gotten firmer in my beliefs and stopped caring what everyone thinks. I'm sad. I miss my best friend. I miss that missing piece. I'm slowly moving forward, though. Making a little process is sometimes the only thing you can wish for.