10 years.

Grief isn't linear. I've heard the sentiment echoed time and time again, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow - carbonated drinks momentarily can though. Time helps lessen the daily pain, but it never truly ends. Over the months and years the day to day gets easier, as life adds in more pain and joy to distract or add to the old grief. Yet, there are moments where you are hit in the gut as if the grief is as fresh as day one. That is the non-linear part of grief. It happens to me when the sunset is extra pink and vibrant, when I see a teenage boy in a purple cardigan, when certain song lyrics settle in my mind, and when I pass the cemetery on the way to my parent's home. While having moments of feeling fresh, it has also settled into my bones as a consistent hurtful reminder of all of the changes outside of my control.

 

I've come to learn that my grief isn't entirely about losing you 10 years ago. I grieve the mindset I held before I knew how instantaneously all of one's plans can be uprooted. I grieve the future and family I lost. I grieve the experiences with you that I lost out on and the memories and moments I am unable to share. I grieve the unique friendship I had with you, and the friendships I couldn't keep.

 

I admittedly ran as soon as I could. I was doing all I could to remain numb and focused on supporting others while attempting to figure out what I could do to rebuild myself. I've been able to mostly rebuild myself, but that required a lot of distance geographically and emotionally. I still struggle with going back, and I keep adding distance. I don't know that it will ever be easy or that'll I'll change that proximity despite the differences in who I am today versus who I was 10 years ago. 

 

The person I was 10 years ago would barely recognize the person I am now. I'm not sure you would either. That part has be difficult to reconcile. Yet, I would give anything for our friendship to have slowly dwindled over time and distance instead of being suddenly cut short if it did have to end. I am no longer constantly burdened with anxiety so severe I didn’t feel safe in my own skin. I no longer have panic attacks that make me forget how to breathe. My depression can be managed internally and isn't a risk to my existence. I am confident in my morals, beliefs, and life choices. I have consistently put myself and my needs as a top priority in my decisions, and that has provided me happiness and opportunity.

 

I accepted a job at my dream organization this year in the state I've longed to live in, and during the entire process the only person I wanted to share it with without being able to was you. I talked about you every step of the way. I've been grieving the opportunity to hear your approval and praise for the life I've created for myself. I'm not even sure if who you would be today would even offer approval or praise, but I tell myself you would. I have a lot of people to thank for helping me survive the last 10 years, even if they were unaware that they were doing just that. I have wrestling to thank for always welcoming me back when I've needed breaks. I have you to thank for teaching me so much while you were here and after you were gone.

I miss you. I love you always. 

 

8 years.

8 years later. It feels like an entire lifetime; I guess for some it has been.

Today is hectic. This year has been hectic. If anything, now should be the perfect time for reflection, but humans seem to enjoy chaos over meditation. I try to make this a day of reflection each year. I also try to hide that this day is the hardest one for me each year.

I have probably two break downs a year over you not being here anymore. That number varies, but I think this year I only had two. Usually not today though. Today isn't hard because of some overwhelming emotions. Today is hard because I have to remember why you aren't here. I guess I don't know exactly why. I don't know every single detail that happened that night, and I don't like to talk about it either. I don't want to know either. 

It isn't my right to know what happened, just my burden to keep the outcome in my mind the rest of my life. I share this burden with plenty of people, but as time goes on less people express it. I don't think that's a bad thing. I certainly don't want to express it when I'm hit with how heavy that burden can be, but I know that impacts how others judge me. I guess that is maybe one of the biggest changes I've undergone over the last 8 years. I, frankly, don't give a shit about their judgments.

I used to care. I also used to take things too personally. I used to struggle with the idea that someone could possibly have a negative opinion about me, because I was trying so hard to be the best human I could be. I've realized now, that people need distractions, and I wasn't the best human even when I was giving my best.

One of the best distractions is scrutinizing other people's lives and the picture of that life they present to the public on social media. I present very little these days. Those closest to me know that my life is pretty stable. I have found the ability to cut out those I need to, and without guilt, which has brought so much peace to my life. I am happy. I am privileged to live the life I do, and ultimately, I want to live my life. I try to keep myself cognizant of this when viewing other people's lives as well. I have no room to judge, but I get why it happens. All of this to say, I haven't forgotten about you.

I still get a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat when I hear "Sail," but I never turn it off. I still imagine the conversations we never had and what your like may have looked like now. I know that will never change, but I also recognize that the world has changed, I've changed, and that is going to continue to happen. I can accept that.

I'm not sure how long I'll continue this blog. Maybe this is the end, maybe not. Either way, two things are constant truths:

I miss you, Steeler. I'll love you forever.

7 years.

It's going to be cloudy and rainy today. That's how it was that day. It always feels right.

I think about you daily, I sometimes feel guilty that it isn't more, but I also feel relieved. I talk about you more in conversation than I did before. I hadn't realized it'd been 7 years until I opened up this blog. It feels like 2 or 3 maybe, but not 7. In the 7 years since you've been gone, I've done and experienced so much. I hate thinking about how many things you never experienced. I'm glad you were fearless (with many exceptions) while you were here. I always wonder how the experiences you never had would have shaped you.

Nakato is the first place I got Jake to eat sushi at, and we go back when we can. I can talk about you the most when we're there. It feels easier, but even Nakato has changed since we used to go there. Everything has changed.

I have less to say here year after year, but that's because I'm healing. I think. I've talked to a lot of people about you, and how your death impacted me and changed the way I act and think. It did a lot to me and for me. My life is good. Overall, I'm better than I used to be. I don't know if it's just time, or other factors that have changed me and helped me be better, but I'm getting there. I don't think that I'll ever be back to 100%, I don't think that's an issue. I don't think being 100% is what I want or actually need in life. Like I've said before, I just want to be happy.

I wonder what you would've actually majored in when you went to college. I also wonder how much of your homework I would've ended up doing. I like to think you would've stuck with wrestling somehow, but you would've been good at so many jobs. I could see you in so many roles.

I miss you, Steeler. I miss the life you should’ve been having this entire time. I’ll love you forever.

6 years.

6 years. It realized it had been six years yesterday. We were only friends for five. I've been without you for longer than I was with you. Six years of new experiences I didn't get to share with you. For six years I've had imaginary conversations. What I would tell you about whatever situation and what you would respond with. Its hard to believe I've probably had more of those conversations than ones I actually had with you.

It's wild how those short five years were so influential in who I am today. Yet, I am so different than I was then. I wish I was more of who I am now, back then, but I think a lot of people might feel that way too. I was thinking the other day about how everyone dealt with you leaving. I thought I handled it well. I know better now. I know I was care less and I have a few regrets. Not as many as I could have ended up with, but still, they're there.

It's still hard for me to go home. I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Tulsa feels more comfortable. I don't have as many anxiety attacks here. My depression isn't as crippling. I don't feel lonely. I have Jake and Henry and my friends and a job that I actually love. Home reminds me of you and all the other trauma. I haven't had anything close to that happen here. I think I run from trauma. I don't think I'll change that any time soon.

I thought I had to do something big with my life to make up for losing you. I thought I needed to fill my life with a tangible, materialistic objective. I was wrong. I wanted to replace my pain with distractions. I've moved on from that now. I just want to be happy. I want to not worry about money and when I want to do something I want to be able to do that. I have most of that now.

My goals have changed, I've changed, but I still miss you more than I ever thought was possible, and everyday I wish I could call or text you.

Until next year, I love you Steeler. I won't forget.

5 years.

It's been 5 years.

I feel like I'm supposed to say it feels like yesterday, and while my wounds still ache it does feel like 5 years. When this date or your birthday comes around my chest feels like it might collapse in on itself. My heart hurts so badly, I feel like if you opened up my chest you'd see the crack that is still so deep. April 6, 2012 was the most traumatic day of my life. It probably sounds wrong, but I hope it stays that way. I never want to have to do that again, or have another day where I need the world to stop but it keeps going.

I try to look strong and stable and logical and together. I usually succeed in at least 3/4. I thought that's what I needed to do. I didn't need to let anyone know about how after you left I would forget how to breathe just walking to my kitchen, or folding my clothes, or standing at your gravesite. I didn't need to talk about how hard it was to go to sleep, because the night you were killed I was sleeping instead of with you. I didn't need to talk about how I needed to take a nap every day in order to have enough energy to get through the day since sleeping at night was so difficult and some days it felt impossible to get out of my bed. I didn't need to say why I started crying, because if the less I talked about it the sooner I would stop and could pretend like the tears had never fell. I hid my struggles for 4 years. I still hide them, but I can admit them more.

I feel bad, but I hate the messages that come with today. I hate the empathy and sympathy. They've also dwindled down. I only get a few, and as much as I hate the reminder of how I'm supposed to feel today, I love knowing those few people will forever care.

So much has changed. It feels like so many people have forgotten. People probably think I've forgotten. They're wrong if they do. I think about you every single day.

I graduate in a month. I'll be in classroom for a couple years and then who knows where I'll go. Probably law school since I've had a plan to go for a couple years now. Jake and I have a house in Tulsa, but we'll end up somewhere else. He took me to the Pacific Ocean for my birthday, and I sat on a swing on a beach in Oregon and thought about how I got to that point in life. I let the smell of the ocean and the chill that the Pacific has wash over me as I swung, and I thought about you. I thought about how it was okay for me to be happy in that moment, even though a part of me felt like I still shouldn't be allowed to really be happy. I've learned to ignore that part of my brain.

5 years is a long time to be without someone, but being without you shaped me into who I am. I'm a better person and a stronger person than I was when you were still here. I have amazing friends, but I've separated myself from home because it reminds me of you and that hurts. I think that will get better over time, I guess we'll see.

I love you and I miss you, Steeler. I always will.

4 years.

I'm not angry anymore.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not being angry like others still are, but anger doesn't fix anything. I'm just sad. I get so sad sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Compared to other years in my life, this one has been filled with the most happiness since you've been gone. When I was angry, I didn't cry. This year I've cried a lot. Sometimes without realizing why I'm crying at first. I think it's because the anger is gone and I just miss you.

So much has happened in four years. I have a year left of college. I'll graduate with two degrees. One for political science with a minor in philosophy, and one for history. I think you had an influence on the second one, and man has that one given me trouble. I have two paths open to me this way. I plan on going to law school right now, but we all know you were the more argumentative one. I want to teach some day. I know had our original plan not worked out for you, teaching and coaching would have been the outcome. I'm mat maid president again. I spent spring break in New York for Nationals and thought about you every minute. I still think of you at every single match. I still think of you ever single hour of every single day. I wish you would have met Jake and Kaelin, or that they had been able to meet you. They've helped me so much, Steeler.  They know what I've been through, because they've been through it too. I think it's crazy how the universe works that way.

Things have changed a lot. So strange how much can change in what feels like such a short amount of time. But, I guess time is relative. I've changed so much, my opinions, my thoughts, and my actions. I blame that on the philosophy classes and all the deep thinking. I really don't like social media on days like today, and I don't want to talk to most people, because each I love you stings. It stings because I know where it's coming from and why its being said and they brings tears to my eyes. There are so many songs lately that hit me hard. Like your mom, "Who You'd Be Today" hurts the most I think. Every single line is a punch to the stomach, but I can't stop listening. I want to know so badly where you'd be, what you'd be doing, the shenanigans you would have gotten into, and what you'd look like. Cole Swindell has a song that he wrote about his father called "You Should Be Here," and even though it's about his dad all I can think of you. I miss your laugh and your smile and how you made my stomach hurt from laughing.

I remember the night before summer school started when you slept in the basement and Sierra and I slept upstairs, but we drove around in the beemer the night before and made you take us to school before you went to football practice. Memories like that make me so happy, because I have the worst memory occasionally popping up and making the sadness come back. I keep the happy memories for stories. I tell them more and more. I love you Steeler. So much. I miss you, so much. I still don't know why this happened, or what I was supposed to learn if its true that everything happens for a reason (I wrote a paper in philosophy over this and still can't figure out where I stand). I do know that I'm okay. I know you are more than okay now. I am happy, but I am also sad. That's okay to me.

3 years.

I feel bad. I missed the lantern lighting and IHOP this year. Sometimes I think this weekend shouldn't be any different than the others, because it's not like you are any more gone this weekend, but it is different. Thursday night came and I couldn't fall asleep or really stay asleep. Then Friday came and I felt like there was lump in my throat all day and I forgot to breathe at times. Then Saturday I was mostly alone, so I made a lot of complicated dishes for Easter to occupy my time and watched an entire series on Netflix. At times it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and still, I reminded myself to breathe. Easter was good for the most part. I woke up, got ready, and finished making dinner. I had friends over, they made me laugh, and I was distracted for the most part. Then I was alone. There's something about having so much noise and people in one place and then being there when that is all gone that makes you realize you're a little lost. Which is how this weekend always makes me feel. I feel a little lost without you to talk to about nothing. It reminds me how much my heart hurt when it broke that Friday morning. I know you would never have wanted to hurt me like that, but it still isn't any easier.

I have amazing friends here, Steeler. I wish you would have been able to meet them. They all know about you. I could never keep you from anyone who actually wanted to know me. They keep me happy, and I'm so thankful for them. They've made today bearable. They've made me laugh and for a few minutes I can forget what today is and what it stands for. My heart still hurts though, and I know if stop controlling my emotions for a few minutes I'm probably going to burst into tears. That's okay though, because I haven't cried yet. I probably will later.

I was thinking about eyes yesterday, which seems a little odd, but I was thinking about how I forget what color people's eyes are a lot. I remember yours though. I remember what they looked like when you were happy and joking. I remember what they looked like when you were laughing. I remember what they looked like when you had just woken up. I remember what they looked like when you were nervous before a big match. I remember what they looked like when you were sad and when you were mad. I remember you, and I am so grateful for that ability. I miss you. I wish you were here with me, even though there's no telling how different everything would be if you were here. I guess I should probably try to work on this 12 page paper that's due in a week and a half. Some parts of college aren't so fun. I love you. I think about you constantly and I'll keep remembering you.

Not Quite 3 Years.

I wondered why I felt so out of sorts today, and then I noticed it was the 6th and in a month it will be 3 years since the day my life stopped having any real direction. You were my twin flame. You're still my twin flame, and it sucks not having you here. I've tried to explain our relationship to others, but it doesn't make any sense. I don't know how it worked or why it worked so well. I don't know how no matter what you did I was never mad. I don't know why you were the one person who could make me smile when I wanted to cry. I planned my life around you. Things that I didn't really want to do I did because of you. Nothing illegal or weird for those who might take that the wrong way, but you were the person I was willing to settle for. Now nothing really seems good enough or worth it. I never felt romantic feelings for you, but I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted to share every experience life brought us. I wish we had been able to experience college together. I don't think you would recognize the person I am today, but I think you would like her. She's bolder, blunt, and confident. She's the person you knew that no one else did. Who I am now, is who I was when I was alone with you. So, I guess you would recognize her more than anyone else would. God, I miss you. I just want to have a stupid conversation with you. I want you to sing Hero to me terribly. I have songs to show you and stories to tell you. I have boys I need you to threaten/approve of. I need to talk to you when I don't make the right decision but need someone who holds no judgements. I need your shoulder to cry on, because other shoulders just don't feel the same. I want to watch you wrestle again. I want to spend another Saturday with you. I'm going to Vegas for my 21st birthday, because you didn't get to go for yours. I know you're probably jealous or mad, but I'm not sorry. I'll celebrate for the both of us. I didn't cry writing this one. I'll probably cry all day next month. I haven't cried in a while. I wonder if it would make me feel better, but I don't feel too bad at the moment. They say it gets better with time, and I guess it has. I just think I have distractions now, but there isn't an hour you don't cross my mind. You're such a big part of me, Steeler. I feel like no one even knows me unless they know about you. And truthfully, they never could really know me if they didn't know about you. I miss you, and I can't wait until I get to be with you again.

2 years.

I have two videos of you talking. That's the only way I can hear your voice anymore. I wish I could hear it in person one more time. I wish I could have recorded a conversation we had so I could replay it anytime I wanted to hear you. I think this past year has been the one where I wanted to tell you the most. I wanted to tell you all about wrestling and my classes and my new friends. I wanted you to be there to see what I was doing and do it with me. Maybe you are with me still, but it's one sided and I don't want that. I never wanted that. I miss you, but when don't I? That's probably the better topic. When don't I miss you? The answer is when I'm sleeping. Until I dream about you, and then I even miss you subconsciously. A lot has changed, but some has stayed the same. You're always the first and last thing on my mind. You would think that after two years that would change. You'd be wrong.

My new friends know about you, I don't know how I could keep you from them. So you're still living in a way, through stories and memories and dreams. I have so many memories I could share, but I'm in a selfish stage. I don't want to tell stories, because I want those memories all to myself. To save and cherish just a little bit longer. I don't really know how I'll feel next year. Last year I was okay. I knew who I was and what I was doing. I still know that, I'm just angry now. I'm angry you're not here to do what I'm doing but a lot worthless people still are. But I'm even more sad than I am angry.

I'm getting ready to go to a lantern release thing for you. I wish I didn't have to go to it. Not because I don't want to be there, but because I wish you were still here. I woke up with a migraine, I still have a migraine. But I'll put on a smile, because that's what you would do. Or maybe you wouldn't. I don't know. I guess what I do know is there are people who don't miss you as much as I do and there are people who miss you more than I do. That's hard for me to say, but I know it's true. I know your mom and Les miss you more than I do. I know Dylan misses you more than I do. I know there are more. Two years is a long time. I wonder how I'll feel in twenty years, probably not much different. Who knows?

It amazes me how different things are from two years ago. I would've never expected to be where I am, or even began to imagine the people I've met and the places I've been. I'm so grateful to do what I get to do, but I'd be even more grateful if I got to do it with you. I guess what's important is that I love you and I know you love me and I was lucky enough to be so close to you when others didn't get to know you at all. Today my heart hurts, tomorrow it'll still hurt, and it probably won't ever stop hurting, but that's just because it misses you. Other hearts miss you too. You were my best friend and you'll always be my best friend. I'll never forget the day you left, but I'll also never forget the day we met. Those moments made me who I am now, and I will be forever grateful to have known you. I know you're still around, even when I don't think you are. I see you everywhere I go. So, thank you. Thank you for everything you've done and continue to do for me. I'll be thinking of you, every minute of every day until I see you again. I love you, Steeler, and I always will.

10 Things I've Learned in Semester One

I haven't posted since May, which is a little strange, but when you write 4 page papers every other week (that's what if feels like anyway), you get a little tired of writing. But hey, I'm back, probably just for this one post until around March so I'll try to make this a good one.
I've officially finished my first semester of college here at Oklahoma State. And here's the first thing I'll tell you: I love college. There's so much I love about it, but don't let me get going. If you go to college and you absolutely hate it, you're at the wrong place. So the work is hard and you're tired and being social is sometimes scary, oh well it's worth it. Anyway, I thought I'd make a nice list of what I've learned so far this semester. Life lessons and also just cool facts and figures. It'll give me another chance to brag about my school, so that's cool part.

1. College is hard. Honestly, it's not the work that's so hard, it's the growing up part. It's the learning to live with people who aren't on the same page as you part. It's the feeling like you're all alone and have no one to support you part. Mostly it's the on your own part, that's the part that sends kids home and gives you anxiety attacks. 
2. College is 10x > high school. In almost every way. The sports are better, there's so much freedom, and you don't have to go to class until 10:30. Well I don't anyway. 
3. The saddest part is not connecting with any professors right away. Teachers care and want to know about you and be involved in your life. Professors sometimes do, but they aren't going to give an effort for it. 
4. Again, if you don't love college, you're probably at the wrong one or studying the wrong thing. There's always going to be classes you hate, but if you hate your major you should probably change it before you hate your life. 
5. Join a club or organization or something. Making friends isn't super easy in college. Sure if you're in a frat or sorority you'll make friends, but if you're like me and Greek life is not for you find something else. Mat maids is where I fit, and I love it, and I get to do what I love. Perfect see?
6. You don't actually have to party, and if you go you don't have to drink. People won't make fun of you, if they do they obviously aren't your friends. 
7. College is not for the closed minded. I don't care what your morals are or what religion you proclaim, this isn't the place to push those on someone else. This is the place to explore them. I can honestly say I have dug deeper and learned more about myself than anything else these past few months. 
8. To a high school kid, from a former high school kid - stop it. Those posts on Facebook complaining about the government and not having a snow day and how you know exactly what you want and who you are, stop those. Trust me, at one point I was you, and then I stopped, and then I was a college student taking classes that challenged what I believed I wanted and who I believed I was. Then there was the class that taught me the government and all that stuff that seems so simple is really ridiculously complicated. Really, look into tort or administrative law and tell me it's not that difficult to understand. So stop it. Just try to be positive. Post about your boyfriend, or the basketball game, or getting your driver's license. Don't try to say something you really know nothing about, because those posts will bite you one day. 
9. Disney supports battery. Okay, Walt probably didn't realize it when he was drawing and dreaming up Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, but in law terms when the prince kisses the sleeping girl it could be considered battery if the princess decides she didn't want to be kissed. Law is a tricky thing. Don't get me started on the different kinds of contracts I had to learn. 
10. Procrastination is real, and something needs to be done about it. Finals will teach you that real quick. 

So yeah, I think that's the majority of what I wanted to say. I still love Abraham Lincoln, and I still think Jesus was the coolest man to ever live so I haven't really changed all that much. Don't ask me for legal advice, I still haven't decided on law school yet. Oh, and I'm still really funny and my confidence has not gone down at all. I don't really remember how to finish a blog anymore, but I can say it feels great to write something without trying to sound incredibly intelligent the whole time. Anyway, Go Pokes! Live Orange! Orange Power! And all those other sayings. 

P.S. How cool is John Smith? 

Divorcing High School

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. Actually it's my last day of structured education. And after 13 years of a relationship that's slowly faded from love to fondness, it's time to get a divorce. I say divorce because I'm not exactly happy in this relationship. There are parts of school that I love more than wrestling, which is a lot, but there are parts that I just can't handle much longer. It's a bittersweet time. It's so exciting to know that I'm at the threshold of my future, and yet, it's so sad that there are people I know I won't ever see again after project grad. That's what I want to focus on. I am so incredibly honored to be one of the graduation speakers this year. It means more to me than anyone will ever know. My speech is more focused on the future, so I'd just like to throw out some thoughts about the last four years.

I can't imagine having a better group of classmates than we have. I feel incredibly blessed to be able to drift between different friend groups and get to know everyone. I am so thankful for the genuine people who fill our grade. Even those of us who don't get along all the time can put things aside to join together and cheer on our classmates. There are so many different memories that I've built up these past four years and before. I remember having Axe wars in 6th grade and all the dumb things we did. It's been such a roller coaster ride. We've been through so much together, it's seems crazy that it's all coming to an end. But like I'll say in my speech, graduation shouldn't be the climax of our lives. We have the ability and opportunity to do great things. I have faith that all of us can and will do something great. I would thank people individually for my experiences, but I would end up forgetting something and feeling horrible, so I'll just go for a general thank you. Thank you to the teachers who helped me learn more than what books can teach me. Thank you to the friends new and old I've made. Thank you to the friends I've lost, you taught me the kind of person I don't want to be. Thank you to my family who has been more than supportive. And finally, thank you to the Willard High School class of 2013. There is no other group I'd want to spend 13 years with, and if I could, I have no doubt that I'd do it all again. I've learned so much from each and every one of you and there is no way I would be the person I am today without all of you. I love you guys, and I promise that if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I will always be willing to listen. It's been the ride of a lifetime, thank you for taking it with me.

12 months.

12 months. 1 year. 365 days.

This morning I didn't want to wake up, because I was terrified of all the messages facebook would bring. I wished that when I did wake up this entire year would just be a dream and maybe I could call you and tell you to stay in that spot until I got there. I haven't seen your face, heard your voice, or watched you do something stupid for 370 days. A year ago I woke up to the one message I never wanted to get. There's this moment when your heart breaks, just shatters into pieces, and you know there's nothing you can do about it. When you just sob uncontrollably because that's the only way your body knows how to react when something so extreme happens. The thing is, I never even went into denial. I knew it was true. I remember looking up at the tv and seeing your car. I had no doubt at all then. I had no idea what had happened and I still don't, but that didn't matter, all that mattered is you were gone. I almost called you Thursday night. I picked up my phone because I hadn't seen you all week and I wanted to go get sushi or something, but I was tired. I was so tired that I just put my phone down, put sweats on and went to sleep. That was at 7 p.m., at 7 a.m. I regretted that moment so severely I couldn't stand it. I remember everything from this day a year ago. I remember getting to your house before your parents. I remember not being able to stop crying. It just kept coming. We all just stood around. Around the house, the front yard, the back yard, people were everywhere. It was the first time I realized that you had more friends than either one of us knew. So many cared about you. So many more care about you now. That's a little ironic isn't it? That when you die all those people come out of the woodwork. People you said two words to or smiled at all had stories to tell. I guess that's what happens when you're a good person. People are drawn to you.

There are no words to explain how much I miss you. Maybe you were my soulmate in the nonromantic way. The kind of soulmate who knows everything about you but loves you anyway. Where everything is absolutely perfect and comfortable when your together, and there are none of those extra feelings that mess friendships up. Just a connection. I've been searching for another one, but I can't seem to find them. Maybe I won't, but that's okay because I was lucky enough to have one. I talk about you all the time, because it makes me happy. I think about you constantly, because I don't have a choice. Everything I do reminds me of you. There are so many things we should've been able to do or be able to do now. That makes me angry. But there are a few thing that have came out of this that I'm grateful for. I love being close to your family. I love knowing exactly who I am. I love that I can now be grateful for friendships and for happiness, because I've experienced a loss of both. This has been the hardest year of my life, because even when I was doing amazing things and meeting amazing people, I knew I would give it all up to have you back. I'm still waiting for the fallout. For the moment everyone finds out what happened that night. When there are answers that still won't satisfy. It's not going to be a good moment, but a necessary one.

I miss you so much. So unbelievably much. I love you more than I did a year ago, but I wish you were here so I love you weren't just words on a screen. Nothing is ever going to be the same, but that's a part of life. I'll see you someday soon.

11 months/The Saddest Goodbye.

Yesterday marked eleven months without my best friend. Today marks the end of something I'm not ready to say goodbye to. Usually I write a letter to Steeler, but it's really just a letter for myself. Today I'm going to write a blog for the thing that holds the biggest part of my heart, the Willard Wrestling Team.

For six years I've devoted my time and a large part of my life to my team. Every time I thought about leaving Willard schools, I couldn't bring myself to leave those boys behind. They made me feel at home, like I didn't belong anywhere else. I now realize that I really didn't belong anywhere else. This past year I had a big inner struggle. I didn't know if it was possible to go back in the room where I had so many memories, but something told me I had to, so I did. Without that room and the people inside, I don't think I would of ever figured out who I am. I've found something I love more than I've ever loved anything else. I have a passion for wrestling, even if I don't wrestle myself. I guess what I'm really trying to get across is that I have no idea who I'd be if I didn't have wrestling, but I don't think I'd like that person.

To the boys I've been able to call my teammates and brothers: I love all of you more than you'll ever know. Even the boys I don't really like, I love. There's no way I could describe how thankful I am to have met each and every one of you guys. Each one of you has a special part in my heart. I am so proud of you boys, there is nothing better than getting to watch you go out on the mat and show your talent. That being said, I feel every defeat you do and it kills me when I know you're upset. I rode that roller coaster for six years, and if I could, I'd ride it for six more. There is no way I'd rather spend my weekends or weeknights than cheering you guys on. You'll always be my family, and if any of you ever need any help I will always be here for you.

To the coaches who have been more than just a coach: Thank you. Kiiler, Fletchall, Presley, Wiester, any every other man I should list, I can never thank you enough. To you I wasn't just an annoying girl who wanted to be around a group of boys, you saw how much I love the sport and respected that. You've let me be apart of something extremely special, and I am forever grateful for that opportunity.

To everyone who is apart of the Willard Wrestling Family: I love you. Thank you for letting me be apart of something so special. There's nothing greater than having a huge group of people behind you and encouraging you in everything you do.

I can't believe it's come time to say goodbye to something  I hold so dear to me. I know it's not really goodbye, I'll be back often, but it's going to be very different from the past. I will always be a Willard Dragon and I will always be here for anyone who has been apart of the family. Thank you for every opportunity, every exciting match, and for just being better than any team out there.

Dear IOC

For those of you who don't know the devastating news, the IOC has voted to recommend wrestling be removed from the 2020 Olympic Games. This means that there will be a set of meetings where the IOC will vote to remove one of the summer sports. Unfortunately wrestling is one of those to be voted on. As a fan of wrestling I have a tremendous problem with this. For me, wrestling isn't just a sport. It's my life. I've based my entire high school career around wrestling. I never did anything that interfered with the three month season and I've missed maybe 5 of the approximately 56 duals that our team has participated in. Wrestling saved my life and brought my "family" together at a time when we thought all hope was lost. That's the beautiful thing about wrestling, it's an individual sport, but it feels more like a team. Although I have never and never plan on wrestling, the sport has slowly turned into the most important thing in the world to me. I chose to attend Oklahoma State University because of the wrestling team, in fact, I never even thought about attending a school without a wrestling program. I would even be content to devout my entire life to wrestling. I practically do anyway. I can't even begin to list the opportunities that I've been given thanks to wrestling. I've met multiple Olympians, seen amazing matches, and experienced multiple wrestling programs. I guess the main part of that would be meeting Olympians. It's like meeting a god of your sport. Olympians are heroes to kids. That's the heartbreaking part of this. Many boys I know dream of being Olympians. The train all year long, switching from Greco-Roman, to Freestyle, to Folkstyle. They learn the rules and regulations of each different genre of wrestling, and they learn to excel in one or more. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to spend my entire life preparing to complete a goal only for it to be torn away from me. That's what the IOC is doing to these upcoming heroes. I can't even imagine what will happen to the sport of Greco-Roman or Freestyle wrestling if the IOC passes this. I honestly believe they will disappear from the United States. Sure there are still Worlds and other international competitions, but none have the glory of an Olympic title. I know that if wrestling is removed from the Olympics that I will never watch another game until it is returned. I also know that I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to keep wrestling in the games. I just don't understand how you can justify removing the one of the original games. It's completely sickening. I do have faith though. I have faith in a universal wrestling community that will come together to accomplish our goal. The wrestling world deserves recognition of the highest level, and that level is being a part of the Olympic Games. If you are interested in helping with the cause go visit and like the Keep Wrestling in the Olympics Facebook page. Sign every petition you can, email the members of the IOC, and keep spreading the word. Don't let this cause die out. Fight for the freshman in high school who might've been an Olympic Champion if he'd had someone stand up for his sport. Do whatever you can to overturn this decision. There's strength in numbers so join the fight. After all, there is no greater show of athleticism than a competition of raw strength between two human beings, and that show is the sport of wrestling. Take a gander at what OLYMPIC Gold Medalist and Head Coach of Oklahoma State John Smith has to say.

If you want to contact me about anything I've said or you have any other questions feel free to email me: megan.ball9@gmail.com
Remember: #SaveOlympicWrestling

10 months.

It's a new year, but that just means anniversaries come quicker. I feel like every significant date with you is focused on the first 4 months of the year. Last week you would've turned 19. It's a little weird because for some reason that day didn't really bother me. January 31 should be a happy day, not a sad day. On days like that I just pretend like nothings wrong. I can usually make it through the day without crying, but it's the only thing on my mind. Actually, you're the only thing that is constantly on my mind. I went to the Oklahoma State vs. Mizzou dual last Friday night. I was the only one wearing OSU in our section, you would've thought that was funny. Anyway, we (me, Paris, and Mom) were surrounded by Mizzou's red-shirt and jv team. There was a super annoying kid in front of us with a mullet and nasty rat stache and all I wanted to do was be able to take a picture and send it to you. That just stole my attention until the wrestlers came out to warm up. It was such a cool experience. I know you would've loved it. I wished you could've been there too, but at times like that I just tell myself you'd be in college anyway. 

Yesterday was National Pancake Day, and as strange as it may be, yesterday was a hard day. For the past 3 years we'd gone to IHOP for free pancakes. No matter what you always showed up to go with me. Yesterday, no one could go with me. No one would've measured up to you anyway. That's my big problem now. Every person I meet or hang out with gets compared to you. They never match up. I think that's what I miss the most, having that friendship that no one could split up. I miss having someone who never did anything that could or would hurt me. If I had a problem with something and told you, you stopped doing it. I wish I had told you to stop going to those parties. I don't blame myself for anything that's happened in this situation, I couldn't live if I started to do that. Sometimes I just get in this mood where I wish I had called you that night. I was going to. I had your name pulled up on my phone and everything, but then I decided I was too tired and just wanted to sleep. That moment eats at me sometimes. I fully realize that we could've gone to eat and the same thing could've happened, but I like to pretend it wouldn't have.

My biggest wish is to go back to that Saturday before you died. When we just got one last day of driving around my field, watching tv, making fun of our dads. It was such a good day. You were annoying, obnoxious, cranky, hilarious, and my best friend. I miss those Saturdays. A lot has happened in 10 months. We're reading a play in english called Women of Lockerbie. It's about the town and parents coping with the bombing of Pan Am 103. It's extremely depressing and dark, but there's a light at the end that makes everything okay. It's weird now, but I like when things are okay. I like that flat line where nothing awesome or terrible happens. Back to Lockerbie. So, we're reading this play and it's about a mother, Maddie, who goes back to Lockerbie, Scotland every year to look for a sign of her son. He was sitting over the bomb, so he was pretty much turned to dust, she just can't cope with not having anything of Adam's. Her husband wants to give up on her, but a good thing happens and she gets some of Adam's belongings. It kind of saves her life. I wrote a poem for the LAD fair about it, but I only wrote it because it could go a long with you. I'll put it at the bottom of this blog. The last couple lines are written because Maddie would be in her late 70s or early 80s now.

It's been 24 years since the plane crash. I can't imagine what I'll say to you in 24 years. Or what life will be like then. All I do know is that you'll still be on my mind. I love you. I miss you. Keep a watch over the boys, it's districts week.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that Heaven is beautiful.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I didn't feel a thing.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I can hear angels sing.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I still remember you.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I will always love you.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that it is time to let go.

9 months.

9 months.
This sucks. I'm sick. I miss you. All I think about is what could have been, and I'm thinking things could've been pretty great. I've learned a lot from your death, but I wouldn't mind forgetting it if you were here. I almost didn't write this one, because I just don't feel like it. Maybe next month I'll have more to write, but this is it until then. I still love you, that won't ever change. I'll call you my best friend forever. That's all.

8 months.

8 months have now passed by since the last time I heard your voice, saw you smile, or got the pleasure of knowing you were just a phone call away. It's wrestling season now, and I guess I never realized how hard this was going to be. If there's one thing I truly completely love, it's wrestling. Now it's bittersweet. Listening to "I believe I can fly" before our first home dual last night, might have been the hardest thing I've had to do since your funeral. It was a solemn moment in the room, because every single person knew what the other was thinking about. I kept my composure, but barely. That's when it hit me that this season was going to be completely different. We had our first tournament last Saturday, and the bus ride was hard for me, because you always sat across or in front of me. It was ritual, and I never before had to think of where to sit. I was thankful to ride home with Zoe, because I didn't want to focus on you not being with me anymore. It's a different atmosphere this year. No one is wrestling just to win, they're wrestling to win and to make you proud. When anyone loses, or just wrestles bad, they aren't just upset, they're completely disappointed. All they want to do is give it their all for you. I realized that I was lucky, because through all this, I now have a bunch of brothers. Last year I had my wrestling family, but it wasn't nearly as big as it is this year. We don't even have to talk, a simple look can tell exactly how we feel. I don't think I could do it without them. I'm so proud of those boys. I don't think it's a secret that I have favorites, but I've always had favorites. From Joel and Taylor, to you and Jesse, to Connar and Thomas. You'll always be my favorite. Second to Taylor of course.

My birthday is Wednesday, and you won't be here to forget it, or get me all the candy I don't like so I just give it you instead. That sucks. Like really really bad. But I think I'll survive. You know, Steeler, I'm so glad I'm almost done with this year. I don't know if I can really call it the worst year of my life or not. I lost my best friend, and that hurts more than I could ever put into words. However, so many opportunities have given me hope for what's to come. I've met heroes, and I've gained friendships that would have never happened before your death. I guess I had to trade you for everything that I have now. I still wish that trade never happened. When I lost you, I lost a little bit of myself, but I think I'm finding it now. It's never going to be completely fixed, but I think I can glue it together well enough. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I'm even more thankful that eventually, I'll get to see you again. Until then, please keep an eye on your brothers. They need a little helping hand more than people think. Let God know we need his grace to keep us healthy and together. And most importantly, remember that I love you, those boys love you, and every single one of us misses you more than you'll ever know.

Thanksgiving

What I'm thankful for today:

• Family - I'm thankful for my parents. I'm thankful for the opportunities they've given me and all the space I've gotten so I could grow my own opinions. I've never been in need of anything, and I've seldom wanted anything. I'm very lucky to be blessed with two parents who are married and give me everything I could want. I have a pretty awesome brother who introduced me to wrestling and gave me a nephew and a sister. I have grandparents who aren't afraid to tell me their proud of me, and who encourage me to do whatever I want to do. They have more faith in me than anyone else, and for that I'm really truly blessed. I'm thankful I got to meet my Grandpa Larry and be around him for the time I was. I've had great grandparents that I got to be around, which most kids don't get. I'm thankful for that. I have Aunts and Uncles who would go out of their way to help me out. I have cousins that I wouldn't trade for the world. Overall, I'm more than lucky to have the family I have. I'm really truly blessed. 

• Friends - Specifically Kelsie, Maddison, Remi, Jean Ann, Mason, Sierra, and Rii. I cannot imagine my life without every single one of those people in it. There's absolutely no way I would have survived this year without them. Those people know me better than anyone else, and I'm extremely thankful for them. I love you guys more than the world.

• Wrestling - Wrestling has brought me so much, I don't know that I can list everything. It brought me Steeler, Melynn, the closest family I know, and my future. I am who I am because of wrestling. I've met olympic gold medalists and the top college wrestlers. I've become part of a family that I couldn't live without. I know that. It brought me Kiiler, who's like a weird older brother or uncle. It brought me the entire Seaburn family, and I'm one of the luckiest people in the world to get to be around them. It brought me second moms and dads and brothers. It brought me opportunities and memories that I'll be thankful for the rest of my life. There is nothing I am more thankful for this year, than the sport of wrestling.

• America - I'm thankful to live in a country that is filled with diversity. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to become what ever I want to be if I want to work hard enough for it. I'm thankful that we have the strongest military in the world, and that men and women are willing to die for me everyday. I'm thankful for the electricity, running water, clean towns, cars, heating and air conditioning, food, and clothing that I take for granted everyday. I'm thankful for the hospitals and doctors that are easy to get to. I'm thankful for everything I have here in America that I wouldn't have in another country. We have our faults, but every country does. Just be thankful you're in America.

This year has been a true roller coaster for me. I've been at my lowest low and highest high. I can easily say it's been the hardest year of my life, because the bad outweighs the good significantly. Still, I can laugh and I don't cry like I should because of the people and things mentioned above. 

7 months.

7 months. I don't care how many days or weeks any more. Knowing those hurts a little bit more than I care to feel.

Sometimes I let myself feel the fact that you're not ever coming home. I can't stand that feeling. I just push that thought far away from my mind. It's strange, what brings it up. Random songs, random sights, just random everything. This past weekend, I went to Washington D.C. with your momma. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to retrace the path she last walked with you. I didn't push her, and I didn't ask her to do anything I didn't need to do. I had an amazing time. We went for the All-Star Classic, which I'm sure made you mad because you never got to go. Let me tell you, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. As we were waiting for the duals to start, we stood outside so your mom could smoke. All of a sudden my necklace fell off and hit the ground. I had a mini heart attack and immediately got mad at you. We were having fun, and you just had to remind us you weren't there. I thought I'd lost the dog tag I'd been wearing since your funeral. That thing is like a security blanket for me. I looked all around the ground, then decided to unzip my purse and look in it. Wouldn't you know it was at the bottom. I just shook my head and laughed. I said a quick thank you to God and yourself, although I still didn't find your jokes funny. Unfortunately, David Taylor didn't beat Kyle Dake, and I only got Kyle's autograph because David never showed up. Sorry about that. I had to thank you again though, because as we were walking out of the duals we caught Cael Sanderson. You would've laughed your butt off at my star-struck appearance. Your mom explained what happened to you and that she wanted David to sign the pictures of you two. Cael said he would take them and send them back to us. Then he asked my name, and when I told him he said he knew me and that it was nice to meet me. That has to be the shining moment of my life and even more proof of how roller coaster-ish this year has been for me. I had to thank you for that, because somehow, I knew you were the reason he was running late for the PSU van. I'll never ever forget that moment, and the feeling it gave me. For the first time in over 6 months, I was truly overjoyed. It quickly slipped away, but while it was there, I felt invincible.

Tomorrow I'm going to Colorado, and for the first time Thursday, I'll be skiing. Your mom let me borrow her ski gear, for which I'm very grateful. It's just a little hard, because I always imagined my first time on the slopes would be with you by my side, impatiently trying to teach me how to ski or snowboard. It's going to be very strange to be out there without you, but that's becoming a regular feeling for myself. This hasn't gotten any easy. In fact, it's probably gotten a little harder because it feels more real everyday. I miss you so much I can't even fathom a way to explain it. Our texting conversations don't even make sense because we always called each other when they got too complicated. I guess I can be reassured that I'll never forget any of our memories, because something entertaining always happened.

It's election day, but I can't vote. I wish I could. I know you'd be voting and voicing your very loud opinion, but I have no problem with that. I miss your loud mouth and stupid comments and constant obscene gestures. I miss being around you. Even with all your faults, you were one of my favorite people in this world, and I just want you back. That's the kind of funny thing about this. You've practically become a saint. Brett wrote a letter to send out to businesses for the scholarship, and in it he was describing you. I just looked at your mom and started laughing because I had no idea who the Steeler he was describing was. I guess that's what happens when you die. Everyone just forgets or ignores the bad parts and focuses in on the good parts, expanding on them to a point where the bad just disappear. I like focusing on the good, but the bad parts are what stick in my memory the most. The trouble-making, the rude names, the visits to the principal's office and days of ISS, all of those are what really made you the boy I loved being around. Those are what made you fun, and who you were. Those "bad" traits were what made you Steeler. I loved those bad parts; I was extremely proud of the good parts, and I made sure you knew both of those. I'll just restate them now and forever more.

That's all for now. I love you, and I miss you. See you soon.
Your best friend,
Megan.

6 months.

6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days.

This past month has been a weird one for me. I realized I didn't know the last time I was really happy. I forgot what that felt like. I've been so unbelievably busy. I'm either at school, at work, at a game, or at some meeting. As much as that sometimes sucks, I'm so thankful not to have down time. I barely blog anymore because I write so much for school. I often think of what it'd be like right now with you away in college. I know I'd be trying to figure out how to come to as many of your wrestling duals as possible while not missing any of the ones here. Then I'd be helping you with math or english, and I know I'd be going up to see you whenever I could.

I miss your over exaggeration of absolutely everything. I remember that night after a group of us went to Nakatos, and we were both driving home down glenstone. We got stopped at a light beside each other and you rolled down your windows, blaring Hero by Enrique and singing at the top of your lungs to everyone in my car. I was the only one who didn't crack up, I just shook my head. That memory makes me smile now. Or when you got arrested for "attempting to resist arrest" because you thought you hit something and messed up your car when getting pulled over, so you just jumped out and ran to the other side of the car. Then I told your mom, and you got mad, but it was so funny you couldn't stay mad for more than like 4 seconds.

I miss the way you told stories and had to act them out. I remember one time we were watching Phantom of the Opera and we made Jesse watch it with us and we all got into a huge argument wether Gerald Butler was the Phantom or not. I think Jesse was right and we were wrong, but it only made us love that movie anymore. You're mom gave me a canvas with the Phantom logo on it. It's hanging up in my room. It took me a while to listen to that soundtrack again, but now it just makes me smile. Like this year for your birthday I burned a copy and gave it to you, and you didn't want any of your friends to see otherwise they'd make fun of you, so you just put it in your moms car and made her listen to it every time you rode together. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone would've laughed at you. In fact, they probably would've started listening to the songs too.

I find it unsettling that I haven't gone one year in high school without someone dying. Every year we've lost someone, and that just can't be healthy. I've become sort of numb to death. I just figured it happens to everyone, some just have it happen sooner than they should've. It's sad. I'm so over death, and funerals, and having to lose someone. It's the worst thing in the world, losing someone.

I miss your company, just the ease of everything. I miss the rapping and singing until we were out of breath. I miss how you could make anything funny. I kept myself busy today, but I made time to bring you a pink rose. I was going to give you a red one with a black ribbon like in Phantom of the Opera but I figured that'd be an awkward request so I just stuck to a pink one. I'm going with your mom and Kiiler to D.C. next month for the All-Star Classic, I wish you were going with us. My heart hurts, but it's an ache I've came to live with.

There's so much I just want to ask you or tell you and I can't. I do love you though, and I miss you more than ever.

Your best friend,
Megan

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."- Joseph Roux