10 months.

It's a new year, but that just means anniversaries come quicker. I feel like every significant date with you is focused on the first 4 months of the year. Last week you would've turned 19. It's a little weird because for some reason that day didn't really bother me. January 31 should be a happy day, not a sad day. On days like that I just pretend like nothings wrong. I can usually make it through the day without crying, but it's the only thing on my mind. Actually, you're the only thing that is constantly on my mind. I went to the Oklahoma State vs. Mizzou dual last Friday night. I was the only one wearing OSU in our section, you would've thought that was funny. Anyway, we (me, Paris, and Mom) were surrounded by Mizzou's red-shirt and jv team. There was a super annoying kid in front of us with a mullet and nasty rat stache and all I wanted to do was be able to take a picture and send it to you. That just stole my attention until the wrestlers came out to warm up. It was such a cool experience. I know you would've loved it. I wished you could've been there too, but at times like that I just tell myself you'd be in college anyway. 

Yesterday was National Pancake Day, and as strange as it may be, yesterday was a hard day. For the past 3 years we'd gone to IHOP for free pancakes. No matter what you always showed up to go with me. Yesterday, no one could go with me. No one would've measured up to you anyway. That's my big problem now. Every person I meet or hang out with gets compared to you. They never match up. I think that's what I miss the most, having that friendship that no one could split up. I miss having someone who never did anything that could or would hurt me. If I had a problem with something and told you, you stopped doing it. I wish I had told you to stop going to those parties. I don't blame myself for anything that's happened in this situation, I couldn't live if I started to do that. Sometimes I just get in this mood where I wish I had called you that night. I was going to. I had your name pulled up on my phone and everything, but then I decided I was too tired and just wanted to sleep. That moment eats at me sometimes. I fully realize that we could've gone to eat and the same thing could've happened, but I like to pretend it wouldn't have.

My biggest wish is to go back to that Saturday before you died. When we just got one last day of driving around my field, watching tv, making fun of our dads. It was such a good day. You were annoying, obnoxious, cranky, hilarious, and my best friend. I miss those Saturdays. A lot has happened in 10 months. We're reading a play in english called Women of Lockerbie. It's about the town and parents coping with the bombing of Pan Am 103. It's extremely depressing and dark, but there's a light at the end that makes everything okay. It's weird now, but I like when things are okay. I like that flat line where nothing awesome or terrible happens. Back to Lockerbie. So, we're reading this play and it's about a mother, Maddie, who goes back to Lockerbie, Scotland every year to look for a sign of her son. He was sitting over the bomb, so he was pretty much turned to dust, she just can't cope with not having anything of Adam's. Her husband wants to give up on her, but a good thing happens and she gets some of Adam's belongings. It kind of saves her life. I wrote a poem for the LAD fair about it, but I only wrote it because it could go a long with you. I'll put it at the bottom of this blog. The last couple lines are written because Maddie would be in her late 70s or early 80s now.

It's been 24 years since the plane crash. I can't imagine what I'll say to you in 24 years. Or what life will be like then. All I do know is that you'll still be on my mind. I love you. I miss you. Keep a watch over the boys, it's districts week.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that Heaven is beautiful.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I didn't feel a thing.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I can hear angels sing.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I still remember you.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I will always love you.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that it is time to let go.