10 years.

Grief isn't linear. I've heard the sentiment echoed time and time again, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow - carbonated drinks momentarily can though. Time helps lessen the daily pain, but it never truly ends. Over the months and years the day to day gets easier, as life adds in more pain and joy to distract or add to the old grief. Yet, there are moments where you are hit in the gut as if the grief is as fresh as day one. That is the non-linear part of grief. It happens to me when the sunset is extra pink and vibrant, when I see a teenage boy in a purple cardigan, when certain song lyrics settle in my mind, and when I pass the cemetery on the way to my parent's home. While having moments of feeling fresh, it has also settled into my bones as a consistent hurtful reminder of all of the changes outside of my control.

 

I've come to learn that my grief isn't entirely about losing you 10 years ago. I grieve the mindset I held before I knew how instantaneously all of one's plans can be uprooted. I grieve the future and family I lost. I grieve the experiences with you that I lost out on and the memories and moments I am unable to share. I grieve the unique friendship I had with you, and the friendships I couldn't keep.

 

I admittedly ran as soon as I could. I was doing all I could to remain numb and focused on supporting others while attempting to figure out what I could do to rebuild myself. I've been able to mostly rebuild myself, but that required a lot of distance geographically and emotionally. I still struggle with going back, and I keep adding distance. I don't know that it will ever be easy or that'll I'll change that proximity despite the differences in who I am today versus who I was 10 years ago. 

 

The person I was 10 years ago would barely recognize the person I am now. I'm not sure you would either. That part has be difficult to reconcile. Yet, I would give anything for our friendship to have slowly dwindled over time and distance instead of being suddenly cut short if it did have to end. I am no longer constantly burdened with anxiety so severe I didn’t feel safe in my own skin. I no longer have panic attacks that make me forget how to breathe. My depression can be managed internally and isn't a risk to my existence. I am confident in my morals, beliefs, and life choices. I have consistently put myself and my needs as a top priority in my decisions, and that has provided me happiness and opportunity.

 

I accepted a job at my dream organization this year in the state I've longed to live in, and during the entire process the only person I wanted to share it with without being able to was you. I talked about you every step of the way. I've been grieving the opportunity to hear your approval and praise for the life I've created for myself. I'm not even sure if who you would be today would even offer approval or praise, but I tell myself you would. I have a lot of people to thank for helping me survive the last 10 years, even if they were unaware that they were doing just that. I have wrestling to thank for always welcoming me back when I've needed breaks. I have you to thank for teaching me so much while you were here and after you were gone.

I miss you. I love you always.