I have two videos of you talking. That's the only way I can hear your voice anymore. I wish I could hear it in person one more time. I wish I could have recorded a conversation we had so I could replay it anytime I wanted to hear you. I think this past year has been the one where I wanted to tell you the most. I wanted to tell you all about wrestling and my classes and my new friends. I wanted you to be there to see what I was doing and do it with me. Maybe you are with me still, but it's one sided and I don't want that. I never wanted that. I miss you, but when don't I? That's probably the better topic. When don't I miss you? The answer is when I'm sleeping. Until I dream about you, and then I even miss you subconsciously. A lot has changed, but some has stayed the same. You're always the first and last thing on my mind. You would think that after two years that would change. You'd be wrong.
My new friends know about you, I don't know how I could keep you from them. So you're still living in a way, through stories and memories and dreams. I have so many memories I could share, but I'm in a selfish stage. I don't want to tell stories, because I want those memories all to myself. To save and cherish just a little bit longer. I don't really know how I'll feel next year. Last year I was okay. I knew who I was and what I was doing. I still know that, I'm just angry now. I'm angry you're not here to do what I'm doing but a lot worthless people still are. But I'm even more sad than I am angry.
I'm getting ready to go to a lantern release thing for you. I wish I didn't have to go to it. Not because I don't want to be there, but because I wish you were still here. I woke up with a migraine, I still have a migraine. But I'll put on a smile, because that's what you would do. Or maybe you wouldn't. I don't know. I guess what I do know is there are people who don't miss you as much as I do and there are people who miss you more than I do. That's hard for me to say, but I know it's true. I know your mom and Les miss you more than I do. I know Dylan misses you more than I do. I know there are more. Two years is a long time. I wonder how I'll feel in twenty years, probably not much different. Who knows?
It amazes me how different things are from two years ago. I would've never expected to be where I am, or even began to imagine the people I've met and the places I've been. I'm so grateful to do what I get to do, but I'd be even more grateful if I got to do it with you. I guess what's important is that I love you and I know you love me and I was lucky enough to be so close to you when others didn't get to know you at all. Today my heart hurts, tomorrow it'll still hurt, and it probably won't ever stop hurting, but that's just because it misses you. Other hearts miss you too. You were my best friend and you'll always be my best friend. I'll never forget the day you left, but I'll also never forget the day we met. Those moments made me who I am now, and I will be forever grateful to have known you. I know you're still around, even when I don't think you are. I see you everywhere I go. So, thank you. Thank you for everything you've done and continue to do for me. I'll be thinking of you, every minute of every day until I see you again. I love you, Steeler, and I always will.
Megan,
ReplyDeleteI wish I would've been able to know you better, and I wish I would've known Steeler too. The picture that they always show on the news makes me smile until I remember why they are showing it. He reminds me of the brother/friend I lost when he and I were both 20 years old. That smile in Steeler's eyes just beams, but that twinkle in his eyes tells the rest of that story, just like my friend Michael.
I don't claim to know anything, and I don't want to speak from the depths of my ignorance. However, I would like to pass along a little advice to learn from my mistakes.
Go buy a journal or use this blog, and every time you have a memory or funny story, write it down in that moment. It will be hard, and you will probably cry harder than you thought, but it will be worth it. Over time, although it doesn't seem possible, little bits of your memories will disappear, hiding in the folds of your new life. Your stories will become sort of scattered in your brain. I have never forgotten Michael, or my dad for that matter, and it's been 28 years since Michael died and 20 for my dad; however, my stories don't come as easily as they used to do. So, go, write them down, make notes to help you remember. Keep it all in one place so that your future you and your future children will see just a bit of that twinkle in his eyes and know what it means.
Anyway, just some advice from an "old" lady. I know you are doing well because you are amazing. Keep inspiring the world with your compassion and strength.
Melissa Troxell
Megan, you are a beautiful young lady and I wish there was something I could say or do
ReplyDeleteto make you feel better and ease some of the pain that is in your heart. Please know that you have many friends and family that love you. No one can ever take away your memories and the precious times you had with Steeler. I love you, sweetheart. Aunt Sharon