11 months/The Saddest Goodbye.

Yesterday marked eleven months without my best friend. Today marks the end of something I'm not ready to say goodbye to. Usually I write a letter to Steeler, but it's really just a letter for myself. Today I'm going to write a blog for the thing that holds the biggest part of my heart, the Willard Wrestling Team.

For six years I've devoted my time and a large part of my life to my team. Every time I thought about leaving Willard schools, I couldn't bring myself to leave those boys behind. They made me feel at home, like I didn't belong anywhere else. I now realize that I really didn't belong anywhere else. This past year I had a big inner struggle. I didn't know if it was possible to go back in the room where I had so many memories, but something told me I had to, so I did. Without that room and the people inside, I don't think I would of ever figured out who I am. I've found something I love more than I've ever loved anything else. I have a passion for wrestling, even if I don't wrestle myself. I guess what I'm really trying to get across is that I have no idea who I'd be if I didn't have wrestling, but I don't think I'd like that person.

To the boys I've been able to call my teammates and brothers: I love all of you more than you'll ever know. Even the boys I don't really like, I love. There's no way I could describe how thankful I am to have met each and every one of you guys. Each one of you has a special part in my heart. I am so proud of you boys, there is nothing better than getting to watch you go out on the mat and show your talent. That being said, I feel every defeat you do and it kills me when I know you're upset. I rode that roller coaster for six years, and if I could, I'd ride it for six more. There is no way I'd rather spend my weekends or weeknights than cheering you guys on. You'll always be my family, and if any of you ever need any help I will always be here for you.

To the coaches who have been more than just a coach: Thank you. Kiiler, Fletchall, Presley, Wiester, any every other man I should list, I can never thank you enough. To you I wasn't just an annoying girl who wanted to be around a group of boys, you saw how much I love the sport and respected that. You've let me be apart of something extremely special, and I am forever grateful for that opportunity.

To everyone who is apart of the Willard Wrestling Family: I love you. Thank you for letting me be apart of something so special. There's nothing greater than having a huge group of people behind you and encouraging you in everything you do.

I can't believe it's come time to say goodbye to something  I hold so dear to me. I know it's not really goodbye, I'll be back often, but it's going to be very different from the past. I will always be a Willard Dragon and I will always be here for anyone who has been apart of the family. Thank you for every opportunity, every exciting match, and for just being better than any team out there.

Dear IOC

For those of you who don't know the devastating news, the IOC has voted to recommend wrestling be removed from the 2020 Olympic Games. This means that there will be a set of meetings where the IOC will vote to remove one of the summer sports. Unfortunately wrestling is one of those to be voted on. As a fan of wrestling I have a tremendous problem with this. For me, wrestling isn't just a sport. It's my life. I've based my entire high school career around wrestling. I never did anything that interfered with the three month season and I've missed maybe 5 of the approximately 56 duals that our team has participated in. Wrestling saved my life and brought my "family" together at a time when we thought all hope was lost. That's the beautiful thing about wrestling, it's an individual sport, but it feels more like a team. Although I have never and never plan on wrestling, the sport has slowly turned into the most important thing in the world to me. I chose to attend Oklahoma State University because of the wrestling team, in fact, I never even thought about attending a school without a wrestling program. I would even be content to devout my entire life to wrestling. I practically do anyway. I can't even begin to list the opportunities that I've been given thanks to wrestling. I've met multiple Olympians, seen amazing matches, and experienced multiple wrestling programs. I guess the main part of that would be meeting Olympians. It's like meeting a god of your sport. Olympians are heroes to kids. That's the heartbreaking part of this. Many boys I know dream of being Olympians. The train all year long, switching from Greco-Roman, to Freestyle, to Folkstyle. They learn the rules and regulations of each different genre of wrestling, and they learn to excel in one or more. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to spend my entire life preparing to complete a goal only for it to be torn away from me. That's what the IOC is doing to these upcoming heroes. I can't even imagine what will happen to the sport of Greco-Roman or Freestyle wrestling if the IOC passes this. I honestly believe they will disappear from the United States. Sure there are still Worlds and other international competitions, but none have the glory of an Olympic title. I know that if wrestling is removed from the Olympics that I will never watch another game until it is returned. I also know that I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to keep wrestling in the games. I just don't understand how you can justify removing the one of the original games. It's completely sickening. I do have faith though. I have faith in a universal wrestling community that will come together to accomplish our goal. The wrestling world deserves recognition of the highest level, and that level is being a part of the Olympic Games. If you are interested in helping with the cause go visit and like the Keep Wrestling in the Olympics Facebook page. Sign every petition you can, email the members of the IOC, and keep spreading the word. Don't let this cause die out. Fight for the freshman in high school who might've been an Olympic Champion if he'd had someone stand up for his sport. Do whatever you can to overturn this decision. There's strength in numbers so join the fight. After all, there is no greater show of athleticism than a competition of raw strength between two human beings, and that show is the sport of wrestling. Take a gander at what OLYMPIC Gold Medalist and Head Coach of Oklahoma State John Smith has to say.

If you want to contact me about anything I've said or you have any other questions feel free to email me: megan.ball9@gmail.com
Remember: #SaveOlympicWrestling

10 months.

It's a new year, but that just means anniversaries come quicker. I feel like every significant date with you is focused on the first 4 months of the year. Last week you would've turned 19. It's a little weird because for some reason that day didn't really bother me. January 31 should be a happy day, not a sad day. On days like that I just pretend like nothings wrong. I can usually make it through the day without crying, but it's the only thing on my mind. Actually, you're the only thing that is constantly on my mind. I went to the Oklahoma State vs. Mizzou dual last Friday night. I was the only one wearing OSU in our section, you would've thought that was funny. Anyway, we (me, Paris, and Mom) were surrounded by Mizzou's red-shirt and jv team. There was a super annoying kid in front of us with a mullet and nasty rat stache and all I wanted to do was be able to take a picture and send it to you. That just stole my attention until the wrestlers came out to warm up. It was such a cool experience. I know you would've loved it. I wished you could've been there too, but at times like that I just tell myself you'd be in college anyway. 

Yesterday was National Pancake Day, and as strange as it may be, yesterday was a hard day. For the past 3 years we'd gone to IHOP for free pancakes. No matter what you always showed up to go with me. Yesterday, no one could go with me. No one would've measured up to you anyway. That's my big problem now. Every person I meet or hang out with gets compared to you. They never match up. I think that's what I miss the most, having that friendship that no one could split up. I miss having someone who never did anything that could or would hurt me. If I had a problem with something and told you, you stopped doing it. I wish I had told you to stop going to those parties. I don't blame myself for anything that's happened in this situation, I couldn't live if I started to do that. Sometimes I just get in this mood where I wish I had called you that night. I was going to. I had your name pulled up on my phone and everything, but then I decided I was too tired and just wanted to sleep. That moment eats at me sometimes. I fully realize that we could've gone to eat and the same thing could've happened, but I like to pretend it wouldn't have.

My biggest wish is to go back to that Saturday before you died. When we just got one last day of driving around my field, watching tv, making fun of our dads. It was such a good day. You were annoying, obnoxious, cranky, hilarious, and my best friend. I miss those Saturdays. A lot has happened in 10 months. We're reading a play in english called Women of Lockerbie. It's about the town and parents coping with the bombing of Pan Am 103. It's extremely depressing and dark, but there's a light at the end that makes everything okay. It's weird now, but I like when things are okay. I like that flat line where nothing awesome or terrible happens. Back to Lockerbie. So, we're reading this play and it's about a mother, Maddie, who goes back to Lockerbie, Scotland every year to look for a sign of her son. He was sitting over the bomb, so he was pretty much turned to dust, she just can't cope with not having anything of Adam's. Her husband wants to give up on her, but a good thing happens and she gets some of Adam's belongings. It kind of saves her life. I wrote a poem for the LAD fair about it, but I only wrote it because it could go a long with you. I'll put it at the bottom of this blog. The last couple lines are written because Maddie would be in her late 70s or early 80s now.

It's been 24 years since the plane crash. I can't imagine what I'll say to you in 24 years. Or what life will be like then. All I do know is that you'll still be on my mind. I love you. I miss you. Keep a watch over the boys, it's districts week.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that Heaven is beautiful.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I didn't feel a thing.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I can hear angels sing.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I still remember you.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I will always love you.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that it is time to let go.

9 months.

9 months.
This sucks. I'm sick. I miss you. All I think about is what could have been, and I'm thinking things could've been pretty great. I've learned a lot from your death, but I wouldn't mind forgetting it if you were here. I almost didn't write this one, because I just don't feel like it. Maybe next month I'll have more to write, but this is it until then. I still love you, that won't ever change. I'll call you my best friend forever. That's all.

8 months.

8 months have now passed by since the last time I heard your voice, saw you smile, or got the pleasure of knowing you were just a phone call away. It's wrestling season now, and I guess I never realized how hard this was going to be. If there's one thing I truly completely love, it's wrestling. Now it's bittersweet. Listening to "I believe I can fly" before our first home dual last night, might have been the hardest thing I've had to do since your funeral. It was a solemn moment in the room, because every single person knew what the other was thinking about. I kept my composure, but barely. That's when it hit me that this season was going to be completely different. We had our first tournament last Saturday, and the bus ride was hard for me, because you always sat across or in front of me. It was ritual, and I never before had to think of where to sit. I was thankful to ride home with Zoe, because I didn't want to focus on you not being with me anymore. It's a different atmosphere this year. No one is wrestling just to win, they're wrestling to win and to make you proud. When anyone loses, or just wrestles bad, they aren't just upset, they're completely disappointed. All they want to do is give it their all for you. I realized that I was lucky, because through all this, I now have a bunch of brothers. Last year I had my wrestling family, but it wasn't nearly as big as it is this year. We don't even have to talk, a simple look can tell exactly how we feel. I don't think I could do it without them. I'm so proud of those boys. I don't think it's a secret that I have favorites, but I've always had favorites. From Joel and Taylor, to you and Jesse, to Connar and Thomas. You'll always be my favorite. Second to Taylor of course.

My birthday is Wednesday, and you won't be here to forget it, or get me all the candy I don't like so I just give it you instead. That sucks. Like really really bad. But I think I'll survive. You know, Steeler, I'm so glad I'm almost done with this year. I don't know if I can really call it the worst year of my life or not. I lost my best friend, and that hurts more than I could ever put into words. However, so many opportunities have given me hope for what's to come. I've met heroes, and I've gained friendships that would have never happened before your death. I guess I had to trade you for everything that I have now. I still wish that trade never happened. When I lost you, I lost a little bit of myself, but I think I'm finding it now. It's never going to be completely fixed, but I think I can glue it together well enough. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I'm even more thankful that eventually, I'll get to see you again. Until then, please keep an eye on your brothers. They need a little helping hand more than people think. Let God know we need his grace to keep us healthy and together. And most importantly, remember that I love you, those boys love you, and every single one of us misses you more than you'll ever know.

Thanksgiving

What I'm thankful for today:

• Family - I'm thankful for my parents. I'm thankful for the opportunities they've given me and all the space I've gotten so I could grow my own opinions. I've never been in need of anything, and I've seldom wanted anything. I'm very lucky to be blessed with two parents who are married and give me everything I could want. I have a pretty awesome brother who introduced me to wrestling and gave me a nephew and a sister. I have grandparents who aren't afraid to tell me their proud of me, and who encourage me to do whatever I want to do. They have more faith in me than anyone else, and for that I'm really truly blessed. I'm thankful I got to meet my Grandpa Larry and be around him for the time I was. I've had great grandparents that I got to be around, which most kids don't get. I'm thankful for that. I have Aunts and Uncles who would go out of their way to help me out. I have cousins that I wouldn't trade for the world. Overall, I'm more than lucky to have the family I have. I'm really truly blessed. 

• Friends - Specifically Kelsie, Maddison, Remi, Jean Ann, Mason, Sierra, and Rii. I cannot imagine my life without every single one of those people in it. There's absolutely no way I would have survived this year without them. Those people know me better than anyone else, and I'm extremely thankful for them. I love you guys more than the world.

• Wrestling - Wrestling has brought me so much, I don't know that I can list everything. It brought me Steeler, Melynn, the closest family I know, and my future. I am who I am because of wrestling. I've met olympic gold medalists and the top college wrestlers. I've become part of a family that I couldn't live without. I know that. It brought me Kiiler, who's like a weird older brother or uncle. It brought me the entire Seaburn family, and I'm one of the luckiest people in the world to get to be around them. It brought me second moms and dads and brothers. It brought me opportunities and memories that I'll be thankful for the rest of my life. There is nothing I am more thankful for this year, than the sport of wrestling.

• America - I'm thankful to live in a country that is filled with diversity. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to become what ever I want to be if I want to work hard enough for it. I'm thankful that we have the strongest military in the world, and that men and women are willing to die for me everyday. I'm thankful for the electricity, running water, clean towns, cars, heating and air conditioning, food, and clothing that I take for granted everyday. I'm thankful for the hospitals and doctors that are easy to get to. I'm thankful for everything I have here in America that I wouldn't have in another country. We have our faults, but every country does. Just be thankful you're in America.

This year has been a true roller coaster for me. I've been at my lowest low and highest high. I can easily say it's been the hardest year of my life, because the bad outweighs the good significantly. Still, I can laugh and I don't cry like I should because of the people and things mentioned above. 

7 months.

7 months. I don't care how many days or weeks any more. Knowing those hurts a little bit more than I care to feel.

Sometimes I let myself feel the fact that you're not ever coming home. I can't stand that feeling. I just push that thought far away from my mind. It's strange, what brings it up. Random songs, random sights, just random everything. This past weekend, I went to Washington D.C. with your momma. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to retrace the path she last walked with you. I didn't push her, and I didn't ask her to do anything I didn't need to do. I had an amazing time. We went for the All-Star Classic, which I'm sure made you mad because you never got to go. Let me tell you, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. As we were waiting for the duals to start, we stood outside so your mom could smoke. All of a sudden my necklace fell off and hit the ground. I had a mini heart attack and immediately got mad at you. We were having fun, and you just had to remind us you weren't there. I thought I'd lost the dog tag I'd been wearing since your funeral. That thing is like a security blanket for me. I looked all around the ground, then decided to unzip my purse and look in it. Wouldn't you know it was at the bottom. I just shook my head and laughed. I said a quick thank you to God and yourself, although I still didn't find your jokes funny. Unfortunately, David Taylor didn't beat Kyle Dake, and I only got Kyle's autograph because David never showed up. Sorry about that. I had to thank you again though, because as we were walking out of the duals we caught Cael Sanderson. You would've laughed your butt off at my star-struck appearance. Your mom explained what happened to you and that she wanted David to sign the pictures of you two. Cael said he would take them and send them back to us. Then he asked my name, and when I told him he said he knew me and that it was nice to meet me. That has to be the shining moment of my life and even more proof of how roller coaster-ish this year has been for me. I had to thank you for that, because somehow, I knew you were the reason he was running late for the PSU van. I'll never ever forget that moment, and the feeling it gave me. For the first time in over 6 months, I was truly overjoyed. It quickly slipped away, but while it was there, I felt invincible.

Tomorrow I'm going to Colorado, and for the first time Thursday, I'll be skiing. Your mom let me borrow her ski gear, for which I'm very grateful. It's just a little hard, because I always imagined my first time on the slopes would be with you by my side, impatiently trying to teach me how to ski or snowboard. It's going to be very strange to be out there without you, but that's becoming a regular feeling for myself. This hasn't gotten any easy. In fact, it's probably gotten a little harder because it feels more real everyday. I miss you so much I can't even fathom a way to explain it. Our texting conversations don't even make sense because we always called each other when they got too complicated. I guess I can be reassured that I'll never forget any of our memories, because something entertaining always happened.

It's election day, but I can't vote. I wish I could. I know you'd be voting and voicing your very loud opinion, but I have no problem with that. I miss your loud mouth and stupid comments and constant obscene gestures. I miss being around you. Even with all your faults, you were one of my favorite people in this world, and I just want you back. That's the kind of funny thing about this. You've practically become a saint. Brett wrote a letter to send out to businesses for the scholarship, and in it he was describing you. I just looked at your mom and started laughing because I had no idea who the Steeler he was describing was. I guess that's what happens when you die. Everyone just forgets or ignores the bad parts and focuses in on the good parts, expanding on them to a point where the bad just disappear. I like focusing on the good, but the bad parts are what stick in my memory the most. The trouble-making, the rude names, the visits to the principal's office and days of ISS, all of those are what really made you the boy I loved being around. Those are what made you fun, and who you were. Those "bad" traits were what made you Steeler. I loved those bad parts; I was extremely proud of the good parts, and I made sure you knew both of those. I'll just restate them now and forever more.

That's all for now. I love you, and I miss you. See you soon.
Your best friend,
Megan.