College Applications

Last night, I successfully completed my first college application. I'm assuming this is really the first official step to my future. 40 bucks, hours stretched between weeks, and a requested transcript later, my finished application has been sent to Oklahoma State University. Now when school starts I'll begin another application for the same school, but for the honors college at OSU. These multiple applications aren't fun or easy, but I guess they show dedication or something. I picked OSU to start with because it was 10x easier than Penn State or Yale. I could just do all of them using the nifty universal application I have to use for any of the Ivy Leagues, but that's even harder than OSU and PSU combined. I get why they have to be so difficult though, I mean it's not like you want some undetermined lazy kid getting into your school - even though it seems to happen often. I just wish they included an essay part where I could write about whatever I wanted. OkState provides you with 8 options and you choose three. Penn State lets you write about why you want to go to PSU, and Yale, well I haven't gotten there yet. If I could pick one part that was the only part I was responsible for, it'd be the essays. I enjoy writing. I like being able to show complete strangers what's happening in my brain. I think what I can say in 250 words or less is a lot more important than my GPA or ACT score. If I could, I'd probably just post a link to my blog. I think that'd be a good insight into my head. I don't like the pressure that little essays has though. Like these 750 words could possibly determine how much I pay for school, and I don't even like the topics I have to choose from, how does that make me feel? It makes me feel pressured. It's not that I won't automatically be admitted because of what I said, that's what my GPA and ACT determine. It's just that if I could save $5,000 a year by changing what I say, that's a lot of pressure. I guess I'm lucky though, I know I'm going to end up at Oklahoma State, it's where I fit. Penn State and Yale are like my dream schools, the ones you apply to even though your credentials aren't exactly what they're looking for and you're most likely going to receive one of those horrible "Sorry to inform you" letters. I think I could probably get into Penn State, Yale I'm not even keeping my hopes up for.

I'm just glad I'm not going to OTC or another little technical school 20 minutes from my house. That's something I've always been sure of. I'm not going to attend a school close to home. That's not where I belong. I need to be at a D1, at least 3 hours from home, where I can learn who I am and really be on my own. I'm also extremely picky about which college I want to attend when it comes to dorm rooms. I don't want to share a room with some stranger, I've never had to share a room with anyone. I also don't want to share a bathroom with an entire floor. That's just too personal for me. I'd much rather share with one to four people. Even that's asking a lot, I have my own bathroom now, and I like it that way. I'm also picky when it comes to dining options, the town the college is in, and campus layouts. So, when it comes to deciding on a college, it takes a lot for me to settle on wanting to apply there. That's why I'm only applying to three, and only really plan on going to one of those three. I've yet to visit Penn State or Yale, and I don't know if I ever will. All I know, is for now Oklahoma State University works for me. 

3 Things

Doubt is a common thing. People have doubts daily. Doubts about the weatherman's forecast, the quality of a restaurant, or even their own self-worth. Doubt is normal, everyone has it and are accustomed to it. In my life there are only three subjects I've never doubted.

1. I have never doubted the power of God. I've doubted my religion countless times, but I've never doubted God. I've been broken hearted when I see people lose their faith. If there's one thing that makes me feel sorrow, it's the idea of a lost soul. The only reason I've been able to cope with Steeler's death is the fact that I get to rejoice with him for eternity in a place too beautiful for words. I don't understand why people use the words in the Bible to hurt others. If I've learned anything from my faith, it's that love is the most powerful tool. I don't understand how someone can abuse another human being because of what they are on the inside or the outside. It causes me great sadness to think of the people being shoved away from salvation due to someone hurting them and then calling themselves a man of God. I'm asked from time to time why I quit going to church. My honest answer is because I was appalled by the behavior of those who were supposed to be mentors to me. Nothing they did was harmful, I don't want that image to be gathered. It was a conflict of how I felt with the way they felt. A church can either be a wonderful or terrible thing for a person. I really believe there is one for everyone, they just have to be willing to find it. I haven't been that willing yet. I have strange beliefs compared to the norm. The most important thing though, is that I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe he did something so selfless for so many undeserving people, because he had enough love and understanding to do so. He accepted everyone and loved them for no reason at all. From him I've learned forgiveness, patience, and understanding. I can't live if I can't forgive someone for something they did that was terribly wrong. They already have to live with themselves, and that can be the worst punishment ever. I've found that patience is a wonderful thing. I'm gifted by wonderful things, for my ability to wait. I don't believe that great things come to those who wait. I believe great things come to those who work for them, but can also step aside and be humble enough to let those that are better than them to take control. I've began to understand that I won't be able to understand everything. Somethings just aren't meant to be understood. I've also been able to understand that most people use what they Bible reads in their reasoning to others. They don't fully comprehend what the Bible is saying. Those are two very different things. 
2. I have never doubted the freedom telling the truth will give you. I fully realize, that to some people, the truth is too hurtful to be released. However, there's always a time in life when it is the right time, when it will free you, when the consequences won't be as severe as you imagined. As scary as it may be, telling the truth is by far the best cure for any situation. When there is nothing left to hide, there's no reason to be afraid. Once you are freed from the lies, you can be fearless. 
3. I've never doubted the fact that bad things happen. Maybe it's because I experienced so much loss at a young age, but I've always known that you can't prevent the bad things from occurring. You can take almost every preventative until you aren't really living anymore, but at some point something bad will happen. You have to be able to absorb those bad things, and move on. As hard as that is, it's possible. Some people don't have the strength to move on, but that's only because they don't truly want to move on. The benefit of knowing bad things happen, is that you also know good things are going to happen. Life isn't all bad, in fact it's mostly good. Things happen that you can't control, but you can control how you react and move on from those things. It's a choice you're lucky to have. 

Past, Present, Future

At any moment of weakness in my life, I turn to my past. Not my past as a whole, but past relationships. I don't mean legitimate relationships like dating, because I don't do that, but just relationships in general. For some reason, I don't really fully understand, it's so much easier than starting from scratch. I've had multiple opportunities to begin new relationships and move on from the past, but I always run back. It's like I have unfinished business with that person, and once I'm stronger I can leave them alone again. I realize that's pretty terrible, but it's something I've always done. I only let someone get so close before I have to push them away. I've done it countless times, and it always hurts me more than it hurts them. Maybe it's human nature, to turn back to a safety net, instead of running out into the unknown. I'm terrible at keeping up with new people, and since Steeler has died, I don't think I've made an effort to talk to anyone new. The cold truth is I don't want to be close to anyone. I want the feelings being close brings, without the commitment that entails. I have three actual best friends. I have good friends and friends, but only three really close best friends. The only reason I'm even close to them still is because they've forced me to be. I'm grateful they've done so. I'm so afraid of getting stuck. Right now, no one or no thing is keeping me here. I'd miss a total of maybe ten people, but not enough to stay and be with them. So many people pray they find love, I'm seventeen and praying I don't find it for a long time. I'm not afraid of being alone, I enjoy being alone. I'm afraid of being responsible for someone else, for having to be anything but selfish. Eventually, I want to be responsible for an entire country, but right now I just want to have to take care of myself.

Fact or Fiction

Tonight, as I laid in bed and ate peanut butter crackers, I began watching a show on the Discovery Channel called Mermaids: The Body Found. Now, I'm not a gullible person. In fact, I can usually tell when someone is bsing me. This show really got me thinking, how do we know what's real and what isn't anymore? Anything can be computer generated, photoshopped, or extremely over edited. The bad thing is, most of the time you can't tell what's real from what's fake. This show was a little extreme. The photos and videos were pretty obviously faked. The information seemed extremely legitimate, which made things scary. It also made you wonder what was being hidden from the public. They say in this that the navy is hiding these mermaids so they can continue sonar testing, which harms the whales, dolphins, mermaids, and any other sea creatures that communicates using sonar. Why hide the mermaids though? They said it was to save them from human harm. That sounds pretty reasonable. We are creatures that don't like new or change. We like the fact that so many things are just made up. If mermaids are real, then aliens, fairies, unicorns, vampires, werewolves, sasquatches, they all have to be real too. Well, at least aliens. I think the weirdest thing is that when you really think about it, by keeping the general public unaware of the strange creatures around us, we are kept safe. There's no telling the kind of chaos these things could potentially cause. We also wouldn't want to let other countries in on our secret weapons. It's the same thing that the CDC does with harmful viruses and bacteria. They have them, we just don't know what exactly "them" are. It's human nature to be curious, but there has to be a line where curiosity really does kill you. To be honest, I'm not sure how the public would even react to the knowledge that mermaids do exist. I'm sure the majority would deny it, but it's been said that you can tell yourself a lie so long it becomes the truth. Maybe that's what we as humans have done. We've said that all of these supernatural creatures don't exist, and done so for so long, that if we ever had proof they do exist we wouldn't even believe ourselves. Now to end my questioning and meaningless blog, I will include pictures of supernatural creatures.

Fairy, Bigfoot, Mermaid (from the show)

Nebraska Wrestling Team Camp

For the past 5 days I've been in Lincoln, NE at the UNL wrestling camp. I had been waiting for this week all summer and super excited. I've always been a supporter of team camps, the matches are good, the team bonds, and the boys get to learn and experience brand new things. I feel blessed to have been able to join them this year, it was more than amazing. I got to meet Jordan Burroughs, I saw awesome matches, and I've gotten the chance to get closer with the boys. I'll admit that Nebraska is no Penn State, but we were lucky enough to have Ridge Kiley as our camp counselor. He easily became my favorite Nebraska wrestler, and our entire team will be cheering him on next season. We also were lucky enough to combine teams with 4 boys from Wray and Sterling, Colorado, who turned out to be talented wrestlers and funny guys. In all we went 7 - 4 in duals, which was pretty dang good for such a young team. Nebraska definitely isn't my favorite state or college, in fact it's not even close to the top, but the wrestling team was extremely helpful and kind. I'm glad to have been able to see the school, attend the camp, and make new friends while doing so.

Of course anything to do with wrestling brings my mind to Steeler. The conversations we've had about him always make me smile, but make my heart ache a little too. I've taken multiple double takes when I see a kid who shares a resemblance to Stee, wether it's hair style or walk they always make my heart skip a beat. Wrestling is something I don't ever want to be away from, it pulls you in like that. Everything about it reminds me of Steeler, which I don't mind, because I want to remember him forever. It's kind of crazy to think how different our team would be if we never had Stee. No mullets, no gay jokes, no pink, I can't really imagine being apart of a team that wasn't as close or fun as we are. I thank Steeler for that. I thank wrestling for bringing me and Steeler together, and keeping us so close for so long. I know because of wrestling, Steeler will never be forgotten.

What Grinds My Gears

There are some things that really make me angry, and because I love lists and listing things in blogs, I'm going to compile a list of those things right here. Call it ranting, call it the same thing as 10 things that annoy me, call it whatever you like, these things really make me mad.

1. When girls or boys think it's okay to cheat on their significant other. Especially when that other is in the military risking their life to make yours better. Honestly, that's the lowest thing you could ever do. If you're trying to say, "well it was just once, and I was super drunk at that party", why are you partying?! Come on, you're in a relationship with someone who has no room to be worrying about what you're doing back home. Why do you think that so many military men and women have trust issues? Because there are so many sleaze bags here at home. Grow up, or don't date someone who needs you that much. Also, cheating doesn't mean just having sex. When they aren't here or even if they are, just flirting with someone else can be considered cheating. Stop being such a douche nozzle. 
2. When you agree to do something, see it through. Unless there's an extreme situation going on, you need to follow things through. If you continuously break promises, don't expect to have people respect you. Most of the time people just want to make others happy, so stop that and learn how to say no. Chances are they aren't going to be mad, and if your excuse is good enough they'll probably even forgive you. If you agree to something, and then something important overrides the original agreement, let the person know. 
3. Every once in a while you have to sacrifice something so someone else can be happy. When you have to have everything you want or you throw a hissy fit, you're a spoiled brat. When someone really wants something, as worked hard for it, and dedicated a long time to getting it and then you just get it handed to you, they have a very good reason not to like you. Maybe, if you back off a little, and acknowledge their efforts they'll like you a little more. 
4. Stop asking me questions while we're watching a movie. If you would just shut up and watch the movie your questions would be answered. 
5. Chew with your mouth closed. It's disgusting when I can see your food as it's being mashed up, and frankly, I don't ever want to see it. The same goes with talking while eating, chew your food, swallow, then continue talking. 
6. When people just invite themselves over. If you're my best friend I expect you to invite yourself over and walk in my house. That's what I do. If we're just friends, you better wait for an invite and knock on that front door. The same thing goes for parties, unless I tell you go ahead and bring them, you better ask. If you bring someone I don't like to my house, its gonna get bad. 
7. Even though I'm guilty of it, it makes me mad when people continuously dog on the president. Regardless of who he is, give the old dude a break. I'm not a fan of Obama, and some of the decisions he's made, but I respect the man. The responsibility and pressure that guy feels is more than any one, other than former presidents, can imagine. Most people don't even realize that the president doesn't have as much say as we think, he can't just snap his fingers and make something happen. If he could, we wouldn't have a president, we'd have a dictator. Oh and before you dog a new bill or plan, take some time and become knowledgeable on the subject. Try to form an educated opinion and not an ignorant one.
8. I'm a Christian, I was saved and baptized a long time ago and I know I will be going to Heaven when I die. What makes me angry is the bad rap other Christians give each other. I'm a baptist, but I don't agree with almost anything Westboro stands for (I say almost because I haven't researched them that much, and I don't want to lie). I also hate when Christian's say they can't be friends with anyone that isn't a Christian. Uh, hello? That's our whole purpose. We're supposed to go out to the non-believers and show them how Christ has impacted our life and made us a good person. We're not to pass judgement, that's not our job, we're to lead people to Jesus and be role models for society. As a Christian, I feel like I'm to be accepting of others. I shouldn't push my religion, but be ready to lead anyone to it that feels like they need Jesus, to him. I should forgive those who wrong me, and honestly accept their apology. If you haven't already heard this, please, please comprehend this next sentence. God loves everybody. EVERYBODY. There is nothing you can do, that God won't forgive. Your past and all those sins can and will be forgiven, if you just give yourself over to God and agree to live for him. The peace and serenity you will receive is one of the most amazing things you will ever experience. Once you let him in, he will always be there. He's always just a short prayer away, anyway.
9. Every time some one in class has a little hissy fit and talks back to the teacher, I get seriously mad. It doesn't matter if you're right and they're wrong, there's a time and a place to point them out. No one likes being called out in front of a large group, you're making a scene and it's wasting time. If you would just shut up and put up with dumb people you'll slide through school.
10. When people continuously talk down on the United States. Like okay bro, you hate it so much here let's just send you to Somalia or Sudan for a year and see how you feel. We may not be at the very top, but I'd rather live here than any where else in the world. 

3 Months.

3 Months. 12 weeks. 92 days. They all mean the same thing time wise. I've gone that long knowing I have to go the rest of my life without my best friend. People say time heals all pain, well I don't think 92 years is going to heal this kind of pain. It's been over 3 months since I've watched my favorite movie, because I can't handle watching it without Steeler. I've learned that I can be a pretty good actress when I want to be. You wake up, you let it hit you that there's a piece missing, then put on a smile and live by helping others. To say I've pushed people away is an understatement. The same could be said for letting people in. I've practically pushed everyone away that I wasn't extremely close to. I've also opened up and allowed for complete strangers to really know who I am. I'm afraid to make new friends, because I don't want to lose any one else. I couldn't deal with that kind of pain twice, at least not right now.

It's the strangest thing, going from having someone a phone call or 10 minute drive away, to having them disappear from the same realm. At times these three months have slowly trickled by, and at other times they've flown by. If you would have told me 100 days ago that I'd be without my best friend for 92 days right now, I would've told you, you were crazy and I wouldn't survive. I would've underestimated myself. I've proven to myself how strong I really can be. I would be a liar if I said I didn't cry frequently or feel lost or have increased anxiety. All of those things have accompanied the worst year of my life. However, if this stays the worst year of my life, I can live with that. I'd rather have it all happen now, so I can move on later and be happy.

I've learned how to live through different songs, letting it out, and having to live with the fact that I can't change a thing. Which is hard, because I have to be in control in order to be calm, but I've done it. A lot of people tell me they still can't believe Steeler's gone. Well I can, because to much has changed for him to still be here. If he was here, he'd be coming to my house tomorrow, we'd be going to get sushi, we'd go buy matching cardigans. I can believe that he's gone, because we aren't doing those things. He hasn't made a stupid Facebook status with terrible grammar and spelling that I have to correct, he hasn't called me to tell me his latest dumb stunt, we haven't gone to get pizza and dr. pepper because the food our dads made was taking too long. That's how I know he's gone. I've accepted that.

What I haven't accepted, is the fact that someone took him away. I wish so badly, that it had been a car accident, that would be so much easier to understand. I hate the fact that someone knows what he was doing outside his car or knows what happened at all, and I don't have the slightest idea. All I have are assumptions, and they get you no where. I feel bad for saying I don't want to know, but knowing makes it so real. I like to ignore that part. I don't need to know why or how it happened, it happened. I can't change that, and knowing how or why doesn't make it any easier. I've watched people do 360s and completely change who they used to be because of what happened. I haven't changed that much, if anything I've just gotten firmer in my beliefs and stopped caring what everyone thinks. I'm sad. I miss my best friend. I miss that missing piece. I'm slowly moving forward, though. Making a little process is sometimes the only thing you can wish for.

Tips For Life: Part 2

After my first blog, then the bros and girls blogs, I realized I had left some things out. These are those things.

1. To parents: remember your child has to live with the fact that you're their parent. They have your genes and have to deal with everything you've done that's out of their control. It wouldn't do you any harm to think before you open your mouth or do something regrettable. Your past might haunt you, but it haunts them too, and could eventually drive them far, far away from you. 
2. Stop being so judgmental, it's not cool. Just because they don't dress like you or hang out with the same people as you do, doesn't mean they aren't an awesome person inside. I'm friends with all types of people and they can vouch for me. Some of my "uncool" friends are the best people I know. 
3. Get rid of that attitude. The one where if it's not your way it's the highway. That will get you absolutely no where in life. 
4. Learn some manners. Sometimes a simple thank you can completely change someones day around and make them feel appreciated. Plus, being rude is just rude. No one likes rude people. I hate rude people, they make me very angry. 
5. You have a family, they might not be blood related, but everyone has one. Always stay connected to that family, when times get tough they are gonna be the ones there to pick you up, brush you off, and tell you that you are going to be fine. At some point, you're going to need them. 
6. Accept change. People change everyday, and it's something you have to get used to. It's hard, but it has to happen in order to deal with life. 
7. Make connections. If I've learned anything in FBLA it's that networking is the most important thing you can do. You may never know who that person you're sitting next to is until you take a chance and start a conversation, they just might be someone extremely important.
8. There is no need to be prejudice, sexist, or racist. Seriously, the color of someone's skin, their religion, their waist size, or their gender should never be the basis of your opinion on who they are inside. These days people decide their opinion of each other at first glance, stop doing that. It's amazing the people you'll meet when you push those judgements out of your head. 
9. Take a lesson from children. Before you thought you had to conform to fill the mold others created, you were imaginative and full of ideas. Try to think outside the box and color the cow purple instead of brown. Stop trying to be so cool, if you just decide to be yourself, you're automatically cool.
10. There's no reason for you to talk to someone 24/7. Believe it or not, it does you some good to have a little time for yourself. You really don't need all that attention. It's nice some times, but not all the time. If you can be alone you're much stronger than someone who needs to talk to people at all times. 
11. Music can be good and music can be bad. Most of the time music is created to evoke a feeling. Watch out that those feelings created by a song, don't take over your life. Music is wonderful, and an amazing escape. Don't let it be your only escape. 
12. Don't let one thing about a person change your total opinion about them or how you act around them. So what Anderson Cooper is gay, he's still an awesome reporter. One thing doesn't change who that person really is. *By the way I completely adore Anderson Cooper*
13. Pay attention to the world around you, being ignorant only hurts you. 
14. Try to get basic geography in school, no one wants to be caught on "Jay Walking" and not know what the United States looks like or what the capitol of the United States is. It'd also be good to learn proper spelling, reading, and grammar so you don't look like a fool.
15. When a friend needs you, be there. There are times to be selfish and say you can't do what they want, but there are times when you really need to drop everything and go be with them. If you can figure out that balance you'll have the best friends ever and forever. 

End of Part 2.

American Dream

If you were unaware before, I am in absolute love with Maroon 5's new album, Overexposed. I could listen to it on repeat for weeks. So, if you haven't already purchased the album, do so now. Like, right now. You won't regret it. Okay, moving on to my point now. On my way to Tulsa to catch a flight to Dallas, I was listening to the song Fortune Teller, from said album, and I actually started listening. One line is "And your American Dream, baby it just isn't me." Usually songs have lines that I love and love to quote, but this one hit me like a freight train. Basically the song is about a guy telling a girl he has no clue where their relationship is going and he knows they want different things in life, but he doesn't want to let her go (so I believe). Anyway, that one line made me connect to the song in a different way than I ever have with any other song. It fits me so well. The very thought of a little white fence, 2.5 kids, a two car garage, reasonable cars, and a husband who works the 9-5 while I sit at home or do the same, completely bores me. I can honestly say, I will do my hardest to never end up in that situation. That path is not for me, I need so much more in life than simple. I don't look down upon those who choose to carry on the typical "American Dream", in fact I wish I could settle for that. I have this extreme need to be known. Not in the "center of attention when I walk in the room" known, but the "Wow, that's Megan Ball, I want to be like her someday" known. The known where I can improve someone's life, and maybe inspire them to live up to their full potential. That would make me happy, but I want to be important. I don't want normal, I don't think I really ever have, and I'm not average. I work hard not to be average. I can't stand the idea of average.

I told my mom tonight, that I have no idea why people like me, they just do. Not that I don't want to be liked, I just don't see the appeal. She told me it was because I wasn't mean to people and I avoided drama. Which is completely true, I hate when people are mean to one another. I can't be rude, it's extremely out of character for me. I avoid drama, because conflict gives me anxiety attacks. If you've never had anxiety then you don't realize the feeling you get. It's terrible, like your insides are being flipped around and your lungs held in place. You can't move, you have to force yourself to breathe and not lose your composure. You want to run away. You can call me a chicken if you want to, but I'm protecting myself by not confronting you. I'd rather just walk away from the problem if I can.

So, maybe politics isn't for me. There's a lot of confrontation, but its formal. If I end up in it, at least I'll be one of the honest ones out there. I don't really know where I belong, I'm working on figuring it out though.

Now for the list of my favorite songs on Overexposed, in order from 1-12. 1 being my favorite.

1. Sad 
2. Fortune Teller
3. Lucky Strike
4. Beautiful Goodbye
5. The Man Who Never Lied
6. One More Night
7. Daylight
8. Love Some Body
9. Doin' Dirt
10. Payphone
11. Tickets
12. Lady Killer

Really after the top 4 I love all of them the same. Go listen to them though. Right now. 

I'm baaack

So, for the last six days I was in San Antonio, TX. I give it no special adjective, because I didn't find the town that special. Don't get me wrong the Tower of Americas had a sweet view, and the river walk was interesting, however, the town itself had no appeal. I loved the city lights and noises at night, hated that I couldn't escape mexican food or find good sweet tea, and had a wonderful time with my lovely Willapoo kids (mix of Willard and Kickapoo FBLA students).

That's my view from the Tower of Americas. It was pretty awesome.

That's my view from my hotel room. Ugly during the day, but beautiful at night, you can also see my reflection, which makes it even cooler.

That's my best friend, Remi, and I celebrating our love for America at some Mexican place.

That's my amazement at the sight of a 46 in pizza from Big Joe's, delicious, but not worth a 4 hour wait.

All in all, I had an amazing time and became friends/better friends with awesome people from all over the state and the country. Even though we didn't make it to finals this year, I believe we can do much better next year and hopefully get on that national's stage.  I can't even explain how thankful I am for FBLA. It's completely changed my life. I'm no longer a follower who sits in the class and doesn't answer questions. Now, I lead discussions and I'm not afraid to make friends with anyone. I don't have awkward moments, and I'm confident in what I do. I give all of that to FBLA.

I can't begin to type out all the funny stories and events that happened while down in Texas. It was a great time, but I'm even more excited to go see Anaheim, CA next summer. I'm not for sure what I'll be competing in yet, but I plan on doing whatever it takes to get to Anaheim. I'm thankful for my advisors and fellow FBLA students for leading me to the best student organization in the world, and making the best experiences of my life. I adore FBLA and can't wait to see what it holds in store for me for my last year of high school.

Now, back to my good 'ol blogs. I missed those.