The Next 6 Days

Tomorrow afternoon I will be flying out of Tulsa, OK to Dallas, TX then on to San Antonio for the 2012 FBLA National Leadership Contest. I'm competing in Website Design for the second year in a row. Last year, we placed 15. This year, I hope we place in at least the top 10 and I think we have a good chance at doing so. If you want to see our site go to: www.willardbiz.com/engaged.

I absolutely love FBLA, it's something I'm good at and I enjoy meeting new people. I've got friends spread all across the state thanks to FBLA , and I adore all of them. Orlando was a blast last year, and I'm sure this year will be even better because I won't be rooming with complete strangers. That was interesting, mostly fun, and a little awkward, but I'm glad I got to meet Erica and Monica and the rest of the girls from their school. I'm so thankful for the opportunities FBLA has blessed me with. I can only imagine what I'd be like without it.

I keep thinking about this time last year when we left for Orlando. 5 boys, 1 girl, 2 advisors. I got on the plane and once we were off decided to listen to some music. I got out my iPod and found out I only had like 200 songs out of 1500. I then remembered the weekend before when Steeler came over. He had asked if he could use my iTunes and take some songs, I said sure and he proceeded to take an hour to finish what he was doing. On that plane, I realized he had unchecked all the songs but the ones he wanted, leaving me (who synced her phone the night before) without the songs I wanted. As the plane landed, I made sure to text him and give him a piece of my mind. He laughed and said sorry, but I knew he really didn't mean it. I miss those conversations.

So, this blog is really just to say I won't be able to write for the next 6 days. As soon as I get home, I promise to write one and tell all my stories about San Antonio and let everyone know how we did.

20 Things About Me

I've come to the conclusion, that a lot of people really don't know that much about me. So I'm going to list some things about myself that I think and approve of everyone knowing.

1. I want to be the President or a CEO of a large company. I'd rather be President. If I can't get to one of those, I want a job where I get to be a part of a wrestling team for the rest of my life. 
2. In my life, I've only wanted three different careers: Vet, Psychiatrist, Businesswoman 
3. I absolutely refuse to go to college in Missouri, but once upon a time I was dead set on going to Drury.
4. I have extremely bad anxiety. I get attacks when people fight in front of me, when I think I'm going to get in trouble, when I have to do something brand new for the first time and I could embarrass myself, when I go into nursing homes, when I talk about my anxiety issues, and sometimes randomly. 
5. Itty bitty things about people bother me. If nothing about you bothers me, it's a miracle, so far that's only happened with one person. 
6. I want to get married in Vegas. Showing that much affection and being that vulnerable in public makes me nervous. 
7. I listen to bluegrass more than any other music. If I can't listen to that, I prefer country. 
8. I would rather wear a t-shirt and shorts than get dressed up. I only dress up when I absolutely have to. However, I love business attire and high heels. 
9. I'm very protective, probably overprotective of the wrestling room. I don't like when other girls are in there or when they want to be manager. It's like my sanctuary from the rest of school and I don't like sharing the team. 
10. I shoot trap. I shoot a lot. It's one of my favorite things to do. It's exhilarating and I love it. It will probably one of the things I'm still doing when I'm 80.
11. I don't like to trying to be friends. In fact, I'm really not that good of a friend unless I like you and want to be friends with you.
12. I don't ever want children. The idea of having to be responsible for a life other than my own terrifies me and makes me nervous. Plus diapers make me puke.
13. I'm an extremely fast reader and I comprehend it all unless I have to read out loud. If I read out loud, I usually mix the sentence order up and I can't remember a thing. 
14. I hate when people sound pitiful on the phone, it gets on my nerves. 
15. I have terrible sleep patterns. Sometimes I can sleep 12 hours and sometimes I can only sleep 4.
16. I suck at doing my hair. I can straighten it and that's about it. If my hair is ever actually styled, someone else did it. 
17. I used to drink milk all the time, but now it grosses me out and makes my stomach hurt. Now, I can only drink water, sweet tea, pepsi, or dr. pepper.
18. I read CNN all the time. It keeps me informed.
19. I only watch Dance Moms and Gossip Girl religiously. 
20. I'm very observant. It teaches me more than talking ever could. Therefore, I'm a pretty good judge of character. 

Facebook Etiquette

I've noticed lately, that Facebook has changed. It's no longer just a status or two about what you're doing, who you're with, or your plans for the weekend. Now it's full of not so honest tbhs, dumb shared photos, and depressing statuses. If we all worked together, we could possibly turn Facebook around and save it from a horrible demise.

1. No more To Be Honests. Very few are actually honest, if they were there would be so many more Facebook fights. 
2. Stop sharing and liking those pictures that ask for shares and likes. They're annoying and take up everyone's newsfeed. 
3. Rate, date, hate. No. Stop those. They also are annoying and take up everyone's newsfeed. 
4. Don't post a status every 3 minutes. If you want to do that take it to twitter.
5. Speaking of twitter, hashtags only work on twitter. Stop putting them in your statues. It doesn't work like that. On twitter hashtags link your tweet to other tweets with the same hashtag. 
6. Don't be the annoying Facebook girl. If you don't know who she is, look her up. She's funny, but you do not want to be her. 
7. If you play a game on Facebook, don't send your requests to your entire friends list. It's obnoxious.
8. When you upload a multitude of pictures at one time, put them in an album. Don't just upload them to your wall one by one. That kills the newsfeed of mobile users.
9. Stop complaining about all the changes Facebook makes. You still use it. If you hated it, you would have deleted your account by now. 
10. There's no need for 500 pictures of yourself to be put in 5 different albums. You actually only need a few pictures of yourself and the majority should be of you and friends. That shows you aren't a loser who sits at home on Facebook all day. 

Now do everyone of your Facebook friends a favor and changes your ways. Follow these rules, and we can have our decent Facebook back. Thank you. 

*Under the request of Wendy, I must add that you should try to take pictures outside of your bathroom where your toilet is not exposed.*

Memories Over Material

Currently, I'm sitting on my back deck with my best friend, Kelsie, eating some black berry cobbler that my amazing sister, Megan, made. We're listening to Kenny Chesney and telling each other stories while waiting to see my mom's alien spaceship. Now, my mom has absolutely no clue what blogging is, I've tried to explain it and she doesn't get it. She just puts it with all the other technological things that I do, and she doesn't. She told me today, like she has many times before that material things don't matter. You can't take it with you when you die, so why do you need it? Memories are much more important, they can actually last a lifetime. I've met so many people that are materialistic. I try not to be, and it bothers me when people are. I feel bad for them, there's so much more to life than stuff. There's just something humbling about not having the best of everything or not having all the in-style clothes.

Lately, all I've wanted was pictures of my best friend. We have three together. One was taken on purpose by him at state, one is of him hugging me in the wrestling room taken from behind us, and the other is one where we were taken off guard at a wrestling tournament. I wish we had more together. I have the tie-dye shirt I made him, that he wrote I'm a Jew on and wore to every wrestling tournament. That's serves as a pillow case for my favorite pillow that I sleep with every night. I have a bracelet that Thomas gave me of Steeler's name and birthdate/death date. I have a dog tag that Wendy gave me; it's my security blanket and makes me feel safe. I don't leave my house without it. The only other thing I have is memories. Sure I have a few text messages, but none of them make very much sense because we always just called each other. What keeps me going is driving around, hearing a song, seeing a movie, or being able to do anything and have a memory pop up in my head. Almost all of them are wonderful and make me smile. That was the thing about Steeler, I have less than a handful of bad memories. He didn't allow for bad times, and when the circumstances were less than ideal, he could make the situation a whole lot better.

So memories make things better. I have more than a dozen songs that remind me of Steeler, sad ones and just old ones we used to listen to on repeat. When I hear them, I smile. I miss him more and more everyday. It blows my mind how some people have just moved on. I guess we all cope differently. I sometimes wish we could all be like Steeler, in the way that he never knew a stranger. He wasn't afraid to be himself and you weren't afraid to be yourself around him. I think the world would be a lot friendlier.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. Don't let the material things take over your life. Live off of memories and let them carry you when times get rough. Take the time to be friendly with a stranger, you might make their day a little brighter.

Girl Talk - Tips for the Girls

I know by writing this, I'm going to step on someone's toes and offend someone. I do have girl friends, but I'm guilty of being like every other girl and saying "I only hang out with boys, I hate girls.". And during wrestling season, that's very true, but my two best friends are girls now. As a disclaimer to girls - I'm guilty of some of the things I'm going to say, I'll tell you which ones. I've recently learned that I like girls, girls need girls as friends. So in advance, sorry if anything makes you mad.

1. Admit that you love drama. You hate being apart of the drama, but watching it is awesome. Girls live for that drama, we love it. I can admit that I love Facebook fights, talking about those fights, and watching real life cat fights go down. I hate when those fights involve me. I usually do whatever it takes to not be involved in one of those. 
2. We all love the duck face, but apparently boys don't, whatever. Duck face used to be the go to girl group face, now it's retiring. Like myspace, it's a thing of the past. However, if you are sitting at home bored and decide to do a short photo shoot, bring that duck face out of retirement and have an awesome time. Otherwise a smile is going to have to work. 
3. Everyone of us is guilty of being fake. I've been fake before so I didn't have to deal with a fight. Learn to admit that you can be fake, because most of the time being fake is a whole lot harder than being real. People don't like fake though, and if you do it too much eventually you'll be labeled as fake. 
4. If he cheats on you, don't take him back. That's hard and there's always exceptions to every rule, but cheating doesn't deserve a second chance. If he can do it once, he's probably gonna do it again. 
5. If he cheats on you, why are you mad at the girl he cheated with, but able to forgive him? Come one, every time I see this it makes me so mad. Sure, no one likes a home wrecker, but she didn't cheat on you. He did. Be mad at both of them, but forgive her and forget him. Please. 
6. Don't be a home wrecker. That's how you get names that I don't want to write in my blog.
7. Don't change who you are to please anyone. That just leads to your unhappiness. If you can't find someone who really appreciates who you are, step back and look around, someone does. Be yourself, be happy, and be with who makes you happy. 
8. Stop hating each other. It's competitiveness and jealousy that causes us to hate each other. I'm an extremely jealous person when it comes to certain things, but I've taught myself to relax and let it go. So let it go, and try not to hate that girl for something she did years ago. 
9. Modesty is somewhat rare nowadays. So for those who don't want to see where you will birth children from, find some shorts that aren't tighter than spandex and are long enough to leave something to the imagination. When it comes to boobs, top boob is something that can be dealt with. You can't wear a t-shirt to everything. The rest of your boob needs to stay hidden. The world doesn't need to see that. Keep that special outfit for Halloween when it's okay.
10. Don't hold yourself back for a boy or anyone for that matter. You need to do what's best for you. If it was meant to be, you're going to find your way back to each other. 

So that's it for now, girls. Maybe more some other time. Take these into consideration, please. 

"Bro" Tips - My Tips for the Boys

I've been on teams with girls and boys my entire life. I was raised around boys and I still don't really understand them. I do see things every day though, that bother me. This are my bro tips to give the boys some advice from a girls point of view.

1. Don't be a tool. If you don't know what that means, look up the definition of a tool and do the opposite.
2. Don't come on too strong. That only works on some girls. Most of the time, it creeps us out. Stop saying how much you want to be with me, when I've only known you a week. You don't know me yet. 
3. There is this break in ages where dating that girl becomes creepy. Brotips.com has an awesome little calculation to let you know if you should date her or not. Find it and use it. 
4. There comes a time, when you need to give up hope on a girl. Sure there's always a chance she'll come around and like you finally. But come one, who wants to be with someone who has to be convinced to like you. There might even be a chance, that if you stop trying, she will like you. 
5. Keep in mind that most people can screen shot anything, and not everything you say stays between the two of you. If it's super personal and you only want her to know, tell her in person. It means more and she can't show all her friends your super sweet side. 
6. Burping and farting is disgusting. Most girls think one is grosser than the other. For example, I think burping is the nastiest thing in the world and it makes me want to vomit. In short, try to keep those nasty things to yourself or when you're with your bros.
7. Giving male cheerleaders a hard time isn't cool. 1) they get to touch more butts than you 2) they probably got their college paid for 3) they spend more time with girls than you, they know more about them than you. Learn from them.
8. Girls will use you, if they sense that they can. Don't let them. If you are spending tons of money on her, bringing her whatever she wants, and practically bowing down at her feet and she's giving you nothing in return but saying you are "best friends" and "I love you bestie"- YOU ARE JUST FRIENDS. STOP SUCKING UP TO HER. IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU. Seriously though, stop wasting your time and get someone who cares about you.
9. Some girls just send smiley faces and lol's in every text; it doesn't mean they are flirting with you. They probably aren't, it's just a girly thing to do. If they only do it occasionally, flirting could be a possibility. On the same note, if you use hearts in every text I will make fun of you. Not every girl will, but if they're like me, they will.
10. Never call a girl ugly or fat. You have no idea how personal we take that stuff. As if body image issues weren't common enough, very few girls can handle being called ugly or fat. In fact, don't call a girl any names that could hurt her feelings, even if you're joking. Chances are, it's still going to hurt her and she'll obsess over what you said. We take that stuff like a knife to the chest. 

So boys, use these and learn the lessons now, before you make a mistake and lose a girl. Oh and watch out, girls are mean. 

10 Things That Annoy Me

There's a lot of things in life I just don't quite get, or that make me mad/annoyed. Here's a short list of those things.

1. When someone says they don't want to talk about it, why won't you drop it? Sometimes people just don't want to talk about what's wrong at that time. If they want to talk about it, they will. Stop asking, it's annoying.
2. If I don't text you back the first 5 times, what makes you think 5 more texts are going to make me reply? They aren't. You're annoying. Stop doing that, chances are if I didn't reply, I didn't want to talk to you. Please do the world a favor and take a hint.
3. Why are you smoking? If you're under like 50, let alone 18, smoking hasn't really been that cool in your generation. One - cigarettes are nasty, they smell bad, and are expensive. Two - they fill your lungs with tar. All I think of when I see young people smoking is "trashy". Plain and simple don't do it. 
4. Oh you're a size 4 and you think you're fat? Come on, unless you have an eating disorder, you just want attention. It doesn't make me want to reassure you, it makes me want to punch you for being so annoying.
5. All you do is get drunk and high? Cool, don't talk to me. I don't need that crap to be happy. In fact, the one party I went to made me pity everyone there. If that's your life, you should really consider setting some goals or making new friends. 
6. Why is your bass so loud? Call me an old lady, but I hate when bass is obnoxiously loud. I don't want to feel my car shake while I'm driving. I'd also like to be able to hear if an ambulance is behind me, or to hear when I'm 60. 
7. Oh you break up every 2 weeks, but continue to get back together 57 times? Why are you still together? There's either one of two things happening, one - you guys can't freaking solve an argument so you just break up so you can have a "clean slate", or two - both of you think there's no one else out there. Newsflash - there's no such thing as a clean slate when you don't solve the problem, it's still there and will be brought back up eventually. There's someone else. If there isn't I'm sure you guys can find each other again. 
8. Your only means of communication is yelling? No one only wants to hear yelling. Try just once to put all your "need to have the last word" feelings aside and listen, maybe what they're trying to say is important. It's been proven that talking quieter actually makes people listen more. Give it a go. 
9. You've been together for years and he/she has never cheated on you, yet you still have this crazy thought that they want to cheat on you. Get over yourself, or actually get into yourself. Obviously you have some self-esteem issues.Trust them, because if you can never trust them, you might as well break up. Relationships don't work without trust.
10. Oh you heard from so and so and they heard from her who heard from him? I'm sure that's the real story. Clarify things before you run your mouth and keep the train going. People are going to give you some respect for being straight forward and asking if something happened to their face, opposed to just joining the masses and repeating it.

That's all for now. Obviously, there will probably be more later. Especially when I go back to school. 

Wrestling

The title wrestling doesn't give this sport credit. To say a sport saved your life isn't uncommon. Wrestling didn't save my life. It's made me who I am. I have never stepped foot on a mat with the intention of wrestling. I've cleaned, tumbled, told stories, and laughed until I cried on those mats. My winters, springs, and summers revolve around being in that room and gyms across the state. I am lucky enough to say I don't just have a blood family, I have a wrestling family. For the past 5 years I've been stat girl, mat maid, wrestling manager, whatever you want to call it, to the Willard Wrestling Team.

Honestly, I have no idea what my life would be like if my brother had never decided to wrestle. I'd probably still be on the dance team or a cheerleader, I quit because they interfered with duals and tournaments. I used to want to go to LSU, until I found out they didn't have a wrestling program. I can't imagine my life without wrestling. I've found myself giving dirty looks to anyone who doesn't know who Cael Sanderson or Dan Gable is. The first time Cael Sanderson replied to me on twitter I screamed and bounced up and down like a little girl. When he followed me I practically passed out. I would rather read a wrestling magazine then some gossip bull. That's how obsessed I am.

I guess I really can't explain what wrestling is to me. That room is where I'm most comfortable. I  can be myself with a group of 20 people that share the same love. My life has been centered around a sport that is a family. The wrestling community is so connected, and we have to be to stand up for something that doesn't get nearly the credit it deserves. Dan Gable once said, "Once you've wrestled, every thing else in life is easy." I couldn't agree more with that. I know no matter where I go, I can connect with a wrestler. I can spot one from a mile away. I've met amazing people, I have so many brothers and 2nd moms and dads because of wrestling. I have no idea how I'm going to get through my last year with this particular family. However, I do know that in college, I'm going to do whatever it takes to be a part of a team, because I won't survive without one.

Tips for Life

Throughout my life I've established guidelines for myself, hopefully to get me some where in life. I will now share with you my "tips":

1. Don't hold yourself back for one person. Unless that person is your child, you need to do what's best for you. 
2. Don't rely on relationships in high school. I don't think dating in high school is a good idea, but that's because I don't want to be stuck here because of feelings. I know plenty of high school relationships that are still going strong. They're the exception. Most likely, you are not the exception.
3. If you don't like someone, don't lead them on. This applies in all aspects: dating, friendship, potential assistants/employees. Giving them any hope is mean. At the same time, do not be rude to them. They've done nothing wrong to deserve to be treated in a rude manor. 
4. Try your absolute hardest to tell the truth. Most of the time it sucks, and is super hard to do. However, it's gonna suck 10 x more if or when they find out you lied. You're also going to be respected by a lot of people for being "real" (whatever that means). 
5. Care about what people think. If you didn't care you'd be trashy, dirty, and probably unhealthy. 
6. Don't care about what people think. There's a line that needs to be drawn when it comes to how much you care. Don't let their opinion of you affect the way you live, unless it will improve your life. 
7. Be nice. Nice guys finish last is such bull crap. I try my hardest to be a nice person, sometimes I have to let the mean out, but I try to be nice and polite to everyone. It will give you more opportunities then you think.
8. Suck it up. Life isn't easy, things are going to get really, really hard sometimes. You're allowed to feel pain and let those bad times make you cry. Don't let them break you apart. Cry, mourn, hurt. But there comes a time when you need to suck it up and move on. Don't forget, but don't get stuck.
9. Let it hurt. If you don't know what I mean please refer to the Rascal Flatts song Let it Hurt. You have to let things get to sometimes, they're changing your life and who you are as a person. You can't ignore it forever. Use that hurt to grow. You can either give up or keep going. Make a valiant effort to keep going. It'll be worth it in the end. 
10. Don't take everything personally. Somethings are going to feel like a knife in your stomach, chances are it wasn't meant to hurt that badly. There's a reason people say no offense before they say something that offends you. They don't want it to, but it has to be said. Use what they say and brush it off. Sometimes things are going to really, really bother you. You'll need to learn how to deal with that and eventually it won't bother you anymore. 
11. Get some self-esteem. Seriously, when you respect yourself, so do other people. When you can be comfortable in your own skin you can do anything. Stop tearing yourself down, try to look in the mirror and pick out what you love about yourself. Then reach inside, and look at your personality, there are going to be good and bad things. Pick out the good and really polish those. You'll feel so much better and realize you don't need all that attention you thought you did. 
12. Smile. Smiling opens up amazing opportunities. People love smiling. 
13. Be bold. Introduce yourself to strangers, perfect your handshake, know how to brag about yourself (without really bragging),  and don't be afraid to stand out. The ones who don't act "cool" are probably going to get further in life than those who care what everyone thinks. 
14. Partying isn't really that awesome. If your life revolves around partying, I feel extremely sorry for you. Try to have fun while being completely sober. It isn't that hard and you can remember it. Don't abstain from partying though, have fun, just don't make bad decisions that are going to hurt you in the morning.
15. Find something to live for. Not just one thing, multiple things. Set a goal and achieve it. Then set another one. Have a purpose in your life. Without a purpose you're going to get lost. Try not to get lost. 

That's all for now. I hope these can help someone like they've helped me. They will probably be more later when I remember something important. 

Previous Path to Current Path

Usually, I'm a very private person. I don't like to share things that are close to my heart, simply because I'm extremely jealous. I'm learning that privacy is wonderful, but to really move forward in life you need to share and connect with other people. There are parts of my stories I just can't share, but I will try my absolute hardest to share it.

Before Steeler died, I had planned out our life. He knew the plan and just let me do my thing. The chances of any of it actually happening were pretty slim, however I'm a planner. I have to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, and what's in store for me before I decide to do something. During one of our late conversations, I had told him that after I graduated, and he had a year to wrestle in a juco, we would go to Penn State (his favorite college). There I would help him study, we would be a part of the wrestling program like we were in high school. I would become a large animal vet and he would be a conservation agent. We would either find spouses there, or settle for each other and move home. Simple life, simple dream, easily accomplished.

So, you can imagine my despair when that entire plan crashed around me on April 6. My whole life was centered on the fact that Steeler wasn't ever going to leave. I don't really know when it happened, what made me realize that I would be okay. Maybe it was everyone telling me I had to now. I had to graduate. I had to go to college. I had to be successful. Like I've said before, I'm strong. I'm also harsh, I don't try to censor what I say when I'm comfortable around you. I don't sugar coat things. I'm all for support, I just don't want it to take an hour for you to say what could've been done in 5 minutes. People say I'm "real" whatever that means.

Back to my path, it's changed a lot. I would still love to go to Penn State, it's an amazing school with amazing opportunities. However, I've also included Oklahoma State and Yale University (gotta dream big right?) into my options. I've known for a long time I needed to get away for college, I can't grow here. Now, I don't want to be a vet (what was I thinking? sticking your hand up a cows butt, no thank you). I want to be a politician or a highly noted CEO. I'm going to study economics and political science. I always get the strangest looks when I tell people my change. Like, "that's quite a jump" or "what made you change your mind". Well, my best friend died and my world kinda flipped up side down. This is what I want, I'm passionate about business and I want to lead. I want to be known and to be a role model for people across the world. "Look at that girl from small town Missouri, she's the female Donald Trump." Hopefully, I'll be able to thank Steeler one day, for making me realize my true potential.

The Reason My Path Changed

At 7 in the morning on April 6, 2012 my mom came into my room, woke me up, and made me go into the living room. I sat down on the couch and heard the worst sentence she's ever said. "Megan, Steeler died last night." I don't know if you've ever burst in to tears, but before I heard that last word I was bawling.

Steeler Daulton Seaburn is the boy in the picture at the top of this blog. I believe in your life, certain people come along and some are meant to stay there, while others have to leave you, but change your life for the time they are there. I never imagined Steeler being one that had to leave. In fact, I had planned my entire life around the fact that he was never going to leave me. We weren't dating, he was not my boyfriend. He was my best friend. I've never been closer to anyone than I was with Steeler. For around four years, when someone asked who my best friends were, Stee was at the top of the list. I remember the first time he ever talked to me, I was in 7th grade (he was in 8th) and he walked up and asked if I was Taylor Ball's little sister. After saying yes, he proceeded to tell me how cool Taylor was for the rest of lunch. That was who Steeler was though, he talked to anyone and everyone. He was obnoxious, loud, and full of life. Everyone knew Steeler, he was always doing something to get in trouble, but he was the furthest thing from a bad kid. He was wrestling team captain, had a job, had tons of friends, was always busy, loved his family (the Seaburn clan is something else), and was always there for you if you needed him. I know a lot of people who have said Steeler was their best friend, but that's who he was. He would be anyone's best friend. I was just lucky to be one of his best friends too.

I don't really know how to explain how close we were to anyone. I've been told that we're the only ones who will ever truly understand it. I'm not a weak person, ask anyone I know, but my weakest moment was seeing my best friend laying in a casket at the front of a church. I pray that no one has to go through that at my age. It's the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing you can't do anything to bring him back.

I know the last time I told him I loved him and when he told me last. I know that entire conversation we had outside of the middle school. I hate that I didn't get to spend time with him the last week he was here. I'm forever grateful for the Saturday I got with him the week before he died. We laid in my bed talking about who knows what. It was my grandma's birthday party at my house and he came over, probably for the good food, and to talk about his latest problems. We got on my ranger and had to go take his dad something in the feed plot, I got stuck and he made fun of my driving for the rest of the ride. He tried to get me to run over a turtle, so instead I made him spill his drink all over the place. I always laughed so hard when I was with him. He made my day.

Even though this has by far been the hardest year of my life, some good has come out of Steeler leaving me. I've gotten very close to a few people I was either drifting from, or had never really known before. I've learned who cares, it's amazing the number of people who will be there for you when you need them. I've gained a lot of respect for people I didn't imagine ever caring about me. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that self-respect and self-worth are the most important things you could ever have in life. Once you have those, you don't need that acceptance that you think you do. In the past, I wasn't very confident, I had confidence but not the kind I needed. I'll definitely hit on those topics later because I'm very passionate them.

I know someone knows what I'm going through, I just don't want to believe that quite yet. I maybe strong, but I miss him everyday. I miss him more than I ever imagined I would. I cry often and sometimes I get angry, jealous, and more often then not confused. I'm angry any one could hit someone and leave them there to die and be able to keep it inside this long. I'm jealous that other people got to spend his last night with him, while I was in bed asleep. I'm so confused as to why my best friend had to be taken away in such an unsightly manor. I'm strong though, and I know I'm going to get through the worst of this.

Who I Am

If for some random reason you decided not to read my introduction and skip to my blog, here is some of the basic information you need to know about me. I'm 17 and a senior in high school. I've gone to the same school since kindergarten and I feel confident saying I'm well known here. I take pride in being involved and being what I consider a good kid. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't cuss. I've been blessed with a family that can give me more than I need. I'm a Christian and I love God with all of my heart, even though I don't really go to church and I definitely don't read my Bible enough. I love wrestling, and I can promise this won't be the only post where it's mentioned. FBLA comes second in my life and I've never loved an organization more. This blog was created because, if you can't tell, I'm pretty much your average teenager, however, I've had a lot of bad in my life. I could've given up many times, but I haven't. Hopefully, someone can read what I have to say and use it to inspire them when times get hard.