6 months.

6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days.

This past month has been a weird one for me. I realized I didn't know the last time I was really happy. I forgot what that felt like. I've been so unbelievably busy. I'm either at school, at work, at a game, or at some meeting. As much as that sometimes sucks, I'm so thankful not to have down time. I barely blog anymore because I write so much for school. I often think of what it'd be like right now with you away in college. I know I'd be trying to figure out how to come to as many of your wrestling duals as possible while not missing any of the ones here. Then I'd be helping you with math or english, and I know I'd be going up to see you whenever I could.

I miss your over exaggeration of absolutely everything. I remember that night after a group of us went to Nakatos, and we were both driving home down glenstone. We got stopped at a light beside each other and you rolled down your windows, blaring Hero by Enrique and singing at the top of your lungs to everyone in my car. I was the only one who didn't crack up, I just shook my head. That memory makes me smile now. Or when you got arrested for "attempting to resist arrest" because you thought you hit something and messed up your car when getting pulled over, so you just jumped out and ran to the other side of the car. Then I told your mom, and you got mad, but it was so funny you couldn't stay mad for more than like 4 seconds.

I miss the way you told stories and had to act them out. I remember one time we were watching Phantom of the Opera and we made Jesse watch it with us and we all got into a huge argument wether Gerald Butler was the Phantom or not. I think Jesse was right and we were wrong, but it only made us love that movie anymore. You're mom gave me a canvas with the Phantom logo on it. It's hanging up in my room. It took me a while to listen to that soundtrack again, but now it just makes me smile. Like this year for your birthday I burned a copy and gave it to you, and you didn't want any of your friends to see otherwise they'd make fun of you, so you just put it in your moms car and made her listen to it every time you rode together. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone would've laughed at you. In fact, they probably would've started listening to the songs too.

I find it unsettling that I haven't gone one year in high school without someone dying. Every year we've lost someone, and that just can't be healthy. I've become sort of numb to death. I just figured it happens to everyone, some just have it happen sooner than they should've. It's sad. I'm so over death, and funerals, and having to lose someone. It's the worst thing in the world, losing someone.

I miss your company, just the ease of everything. I miss the rapping and singing until we were out of breath. I miss how you could make anything funny. I kept myself busy today, but I made time to bring you a pink rose. I was going to give you a red one with a black ribbon like in Phantom of the Opera but I figured that'd be an awkward request so I just stuck to a pink one. I'm going with your mom and Kiiler to D.C. next month for the All-Star Classic, I wish you were going with us. My heart hurts, but it's an ache I've came to live with.

There's so much I just want to ask you or tell you and I can't. I do love you though, and I miss you more than ever.

Your best friend,
Megan

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."- Joseph Roux

5 months.

5 months. 20 weeks. 155 days.

They say time heals all pain. Well, I don't know about that, but I'd say staying busy sure helps. The last 4 months were a living hell. This past month wasn't much better, except for the fact that I now have 10x the amount of information on my mind. I barely have time to blog, let alone get all my other tasks done. I thank Mrs. Hainline for making us free-write everyday, it's nice to have time to write down what's on my mind. School keeps me pretty busy, I have something to do after school everyday. With saying that, every other thought is focused on you.

There's a group going to Jamaica for spring break. The hardest part is that I know you'd be going with me. I've ran out of tears, or maybe it's impossible to get this out of me. I don't ever want you to leave me, not any more than you have already. It's so hard to believe that 5 months and 1 day ago everything was perfect. I was on a field trip having the time of my life. I was mad I wasn't going to Brute with you, but I knew I'd get updates on how out of shape you were and how every one was doing. I knew I was going to get pictures of your new shoes or some ridiculous hat you found. Instead, my world stopped. I feel like the rest of the world should have stopped too.

I'm on the marketing team for your scholarship fund. I love hearing stories about you and doing something that's focused completely on me. Brett's on it with me, I'm glad I get to be with your other best friend. If Dylan was on it, the trio would be complete. You should be proud of Dylan, going to college, playing soccer, wearing your number. I went and watched him play, he did awesome.

I no longer have those moments where I forget your gone. I wish I still had those. I wish I still had you. I think we all wish we still had you. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and just be able to open them and see you. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to know why you left me without saying goodbye. If I could rewind time, I would go back to the Saturday before you died. I would relive that day over and over again.

You'd laugh at how much I love Abraham Lincoln right now. Then you'd tell me some random civil war facts that I didn't care anything about. I wish I could dream about you more. I've only had two, but I know why I only get two. They hurt so much when I wake up. I'm glad there's videos of you. I miss your voice. I miss our random hour long phone calls. I miss everything about you. I'm waiting on it to be better. I'm waiting on the hurt to go away. I don't know when that'll happen, if it'll ever happen. I just need you to know, that I love you so much and I miss you even more than that.

I can't wait to see you again, and I'm thankful for every minute I spent with you.

Your best friend,
Megan

"They've promised that dreams come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too." - Oscar Wilde

Learning Wisdom

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. Like every other birthday in our family, my grandparents came over to eat dinner and just have a good ole get together. While we were waiting for the festivities to begin, I found myself between my two living grandpas. One is a democrat, the other a republican. Most kids my age would have turned and ran when stuck in that position, I however, love it. I love hearing both sides of a debate, especially when it comes from someone who has actually lived a full life and have reason and experience to back them up. They talked about the problem in our schools, how education has changed, how disciplinary actions have weakened and troublesome teens have strengthened, how advanced some students seem to be, the difference in religion, why is everything so political, and then exchanged a few jokes.

I took it in, put in about 5 sentences, but mainly listened. I think that's the most important part, I listened. I agreed with one grandpa on certain topics, and the other when it came to totally different things. At some points, I didn't choose a side. I agreed with them both on multiple occasions.

During one part of the conversation, we started talking about the Bible. One grandpa told a story: Back in 1805, a group of missionaries were sent into the wild west to bring the Lord to the red man. When they met with the chief he looked at them and asked, "Brothers, if you all read a book that says there is but one high spirit, why do you all say the book says something different?". Now I'm not positive that is the exact quote, but its the point of the question.

So many people use the Bible as a reference to the reason of their religion. I don't. I use the label "Christian" because I've been saved by Jesus Christ. I call myself a Christian, because I want to be the example people think of when they think "Christian". I don't quote scripture that much, because if someone hates being preached to, the last thing they want to hear is another quote from something they don't even believe in. When they ask me why I believe in God, I tell them because it's easy. I don't need scientific evidence, I don't need reasoning and explanation. I don't question him, I just know he's there. Maybe they've never had a moment where it all just clicks, but I pray they get to have one. I don't think there's one religion that's right. I highly doubt God discriminates that much. I think if something makes sense to you, if you're a good person, if you love God and try to share him with others, you'll get into Heaven. I believe the idea of a simple explanation is to hard for some to comprehend. They think you must be simple minded, you don't, just stop thinking so hard.

I absolutely hate talking about religion and pushing it on people, you believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe. If for some reason you have a question, I'll answer it. If you want to be like me, I'll help you. It's pretty simple, I think, to get into Heaven. Believe in Jesus, believe that he saved you, believe that God really does love you and wants the best for you, be a good person, help others whenever you have the chance, take time to show gratitude, be the best person you can be, accept everyone, no matter their differences, and always be grateful for what you are blessed to receive.

This is my last blog about religion, at least for now. The main point was the amazing things you can realized and learn when you listen to someone so much older and wiser than yourself. Those are the lessons you really need to learn in life. My Grandpa told me he learned something new everyday, and he was never afraid or too old to learn something new.

4 months.

4 months. 16 weeks. 122 days.

I could say I'm doing better, but I'm not. I miss you more every day, and time is not helping. August is a hard month. You should be at trap nationals, shooting right beside me. I should be taking you to college, helping you buy books and setting up your schedule. We should be eating at Nakatos every weekend, because you'll miss it when your gone. We should be planning what wrestling meets and tournaments I can come to. We should be planning for our skiing trip and spring break. We should be sitting in your basement, and I should be telling you what to do on whatever video game your playing. We should be watching every season of The Walking Dead and singing along to Phantom of the Opera. We should be crying because it's going to suck living hours apart. Instead, I'm constantly reminded that I'll never get to do those things. I'm stuck in a place where I have to look at reminders of you. I love thinking about you, and it's probably a good thing I do because you're permanently on my mind. I hate being reminded that I don't have you anymore. I hate that I feel jealous of people pretending they knew you, when I know they really didn't. I hate that you never knew how many people truly loved you. I hate that we always laid on my bed and talked about not having any friends, when so many were there for you. Who would've known that you really had thousands of friends. I feel bad for anyone who tries to get close to me right now, every one gets compared to you. That's a lot to live up to. There was nothing you could do, to make me give up on you.

It's amazing, the things I would do for one more day with you. I'm so burnt out right now. I'm tired. I don't want to go back to school, even though I know I have to. I don't want to try. I wish I did. I wish I had a back up plan. I wish I had some kind of plan. I'm so ready to get away from this place. I don't mean Willard, I mean this place I'm in, in life. I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I can get away. I'm basically stuck. I'm not able to move on. I don't think I'm ever going to fully move on. I've gotten better at laughing and allowing myself to have fun. But there's just those moments, where all I want to do is go back to when I had you. I knew everything about you, that's why I know when someone is lying about really knowing you as a best friend would. I know your favorite songs, your favorite movies, all the girls you had crushes on, your favorite drink, what sushi you would order, your real laugh and your fake laugh, your different smiles, everything. Maybe, that's what I really truly miss, knowing someone that well. Everything was so easy. I miss that easiness. I miss that sheer joy I felt when you came over to cheer me up when I was sick. I miss feeling calm when I knew you were okay. I miss you annoying me whenever you could. I miss feeling strong. I feel broken, even though I'm just a little cracked. I'm trying my hardest to glue myself back together. It's just so much harder than I would have imagined.

It's weird, when I thought about what I would do if one of my friends died, it was never you, and it was never this response. I imagined I'd lock myself up in my bed for a week, cry on everyone's shoulder, and be grateful for my own life. When you died, I had to go to your house and make sure. I had to see your mom. I had to comfort those boys, they needed me. I had to be a selfless. I cried on a few shoulders, but kept a smile as best as I could. I'm not that grateful, I'm grateful you don't have to deal with this. I'm thankful for the people who have stayed by my side. I'm thankful you brought me to Jean Ann, she's helped more than I can describe. It's a little weird, buying all pink, when you only wore it to make people uncomfortable. I remember when we went down to Neosho for Melynn, and convinced Zach and Trevor you were gay. I drove down there alone for the first time since then a couple weeks ago for her birthday. She misses you too.

I have no idea what this blog will look like in a 8 months. I'm not sure it will be much different. Sometimes I go sit by your grave after work. I don't talk, because I've never been one to talk to the ground, but I feel peaceful. I feel safe with you there. I still day dream about you showing up and telling me you had to fake your death for some unreal reason. I wish that could really happen. It's hard to see people moving on and getting over it, when I'm not even close to over it. I know I don't need you here, but it would sure make things easier.

I love you, and I miss you more than words alone can describe.

Your best friend,
Megan

Advice for High School

With the school year quickly approaching, I've decided that I should give out some valuable advice to the incoming freshman as well as the other underclassmen.

1. You're an underclassman if you're not a senior. Get that through your head now. You might be a junior, but the seniors are still on top. This year is about them. Respect that and you'll have an enjoyable time during your four years in that building. 
2. Get involved in something, asap. It will change and mold your entire experience. Take your freshman year as a chance to try everything. Eventually, you'll figure out where you belong. That group will be your saving grace. It's never too late to try something, so get out there and get involved.
3. Don't let one person ruin your day. Like it or not, there are going to be some people that you absolutely can not stand. Looking at those people will probably make you mad. So, don't look at them, delete them off Facebook, don't listen to what they say, and ignore them as much as possible. You'll be better off. 
4. Find that teacher that serves as your mom/dad/older sibling at school. I have more than one and they save me from having a terrible school day. I can run to them and they'll do whatever they can to help you. (These are usually club advisors or English teachers. Don't ask why english teachers, they just are more nurturing.)
5. Every year (except maybe senior) you'll have a teacher you can't stand. They'll leave a terrible taste in your mouth and ruin your day. Don't let them ruin it, just be polite and get your work done. Don't be afraid to brown nose this teacher. The easier you make their life, the easier they'll make your life.
6. Don't pick on anyone or let anyone pick on someone else. Bullying is a huge problem, not really at Willard, but still it's horrible and can really hurt someone. Don't be responsible for their pain. If you can help them out, they'll be forever grateful. 
7. Take this time seriously. It might not seem like it, but your freshman year determines a lot. Do your best work, be the best person you can, stay out of trouble, and look forward to the future. Create goals, keep them, and accomplish them. They'll remind you what you're here for.
8. Don't take everything too seriously. There's no need to act like an adult yet, because you aren't one. Have fun, go crazy at the assemblies, support your fellow students at athletic events, don't be afraid to look stupid, be outgoing, and be yourself. 
9. Don't try to be cool. Being cool isn't cool, being yourself is cool. You'll find a group of friends that you fit into and they'll love you for being you. You'll be respected for being you.
10. Try your hardest not to fall into peer pressure. Find some real friends that don't pressure you to do things you don't want to do. Peer pressure is bad even when it's not directly on you. If you can resist it, you'll find more respect from people than you imagined. 

College Applications

Last night, I successfully completed my first college application. I'm assuming this is really the first official step to my future. 40 bucks, hours stretched between weeks, and a requested transcript later, my finished application has been sent to Oklahoma State University. Now when school starts I'll begin another application for the same school, but for the honors college at OSU. These multiple applications aren't fun or easy, but I guess they show dedication or something. I picked OSU to start with because it was 10x easier than Penn State or Yale. I could just do all of them using the nifty universal application I have to use for any of the Ivy Leagues, but that's even harder than OSU and PSU combined. I get why they have to be so difficult though, I mean it's not like you want some undetermined lazy kid getting into your school - even though it seems to happen often. I just wish they included an essay part where I could write about whatever I wanted. OkState provides you with 8 options and you choose three. Penn State lets you write about why you want to go to PSU, and Yale, well I haven't gotten there yet. If I could pick one part that was the only part I was responsible for, it'd be the essays. I enjoy writing. I like being able to show complete strangers what's happening in my brain. I think what I can say in 250 words or less is a lot more important than my GPA or ACT score. If I could, I'd probably just post a link to my blog. I think that'd be a good insight into my head. I don't like the pressure that little essays has though. Like these 750 words could possibly determine how much I pay for school, and I don't even like the topics I have to choose from, how does that make me feel? It makes me feel pressured. It's not that I won't automatically be admitted because of what I said, that's what my GPA and ACT determine. It's just that if I could save $5,000 a year by changing what I say, that's a lot of pressure. I guess I'm lucky though, I know I'm going to end up at Oklahoma State, it's where I fit. Penn State and Yale are like my dream schools, the ones you apply to even though your credentials aren't exactly what they're looking for and you're most likely going to receive one of those horrible "Sorry to inform you" letters. I think I could probably get into Penn State, Yale I'm not even keeping my hopes up for.

I'm just glad I'm not going to OTC or another little technical school 20 minutes from my house. That's something I've always been sure of. I'm not going to attend a school close to home. That's not where I belong. I need to be at a D1, at least 3 hours from home, where I can learn who I am and really be on my own. I'm also extremely picky about which college I want to attend when it comes to dorm rooms. I don't want to share a room with some stranger, I've never had to share a room with anyone. I also don't want to share a bathroom with an entire floor. That's just too personal for me. I'd much rather share with one to four people. Even that's asking a lot, I have my own bathroom now, and I like it that way. I'm also picky when it comes to dining options, the town the college is in, and campus layouts. So, when it comes to deciding on a college, it takes a lot for me to settle on wanting to apply there. That's why I'm only applying to three, and only really plan on going to one of those three. I've yet to visit Penn State or Yale, and I don't know if I ever will. All I know, is for now Oklahoma State University works for me. 

3 Things

Doubt is a common thing. People have doubts daily. Doubts about the weatherman's forecast, the quality of a restaurant, or even their own self-worth. Doubt is normal, everyone has it and are accustomed to it. In my life there are only three subjects I've never doubted.

1. I have never doubted the power of God. I've doubted my religion countless times, but I've never doubted God. I've been broken hearted when I see people lose their faith. If there's one thing that makes me feel sorrow, it's the idea of a lost soul. The only reason I've been able to cope with Steeler's death is the fact that I get to rejoice with him for eternity in a place too beautiful for words. I don't understand why people use the words in the Bible to hurt others. If I've learned anything from my faith, it's that love is the most powerful tool. I don't understand how someone can abuse another human being because of what they are on the inside or the outside. It causes me great sadness to think of the people being shoved away from salvation due to someone hurting them and then calling themselves a man of God. I'm asked from time to time why I quit going to church. My honest answer is because I was appalled by the behavior of those who were supposed to be mentors to me. Nothing they did was harmful, I don't want that image to be gathered. It was a conflict of how I felt with the way they felt. A church can either be a wonderful or terrible thing for a person. I really believe there is one for everyone, they just have to be willing to find it. I haven't been that willing yet. I have strange beliefs compared to the norm. The most important thing though, is that I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe he did something so selfless for so many undeserving people, because he had enough love and understanding to do so. He accepted everyone and loved them for no reason at all. From him I've learned forgiveness, patience, and understanding. I can't live if I can't forgive someone for something they did that was terribly wrong. They already have to live with themselves, and that can be the worst punishment ever. I've found that patience is a wonderful thing. I'm gifted by wonderful things, for my ability to wait. I don't believe that great things come to those who wait. I believe great things come to those who work for them, but can also step aside and be humble enough to let those that are better than them to take control. I've began to understand that I won't be able to understand everything. Somethings just aren't meant to be understood. I've also been able to understand that most people use what they Bible reads in their reasoning to others. They don't fully comprehend what the Bible is saying. Those are two very different things. 
2. I have never doubted the freedom telling the truth will give you. I fully realize, that to some people, the truth is too hurtful to be released. However, there's always a time in life when it is the right time, when it will free you, when the consequences won't be as severe as you imagined. As scary as it may be, telling the truth is by far the best cure for any situation. When there is nothing left to hide, there's no reason to be afraid. Once you are freed from the lies, you can be fearless. 
3. I've never doubted the fact that bad things happen. Maybe it's because I experienced so much loss at a young age, but I've always known that you can't prevent the bad things from occurring. You can take almost every preventative until you aren't really living anymore, but at some point something bad will happen. You have to be able to absorb those bad things, and move on. As hard as that is, it's possible. Some people don't have the strength to move on, but that's only because they don't truly want to move on. The benefit of knowing bad things happen, is that you also know good things are going to happen. Life isn't all bad, in fact it's mostly good. Things happen that you can't control, but you can control how you react and move on from those things. It's a choice you're lucky to have.