5 months.

5 months. 20 weeks. 155 days.

They say time heals all pain. Well, I don't know about that, but I'd say staying busy sure helps. The last 4 months were a living hell. This past month wasn't much better, except for the fact that I now have 10x the amount of information on my mind. I barely have time to blog, let alone get all my other tasks done. I thank Mrs. Hainline for making us free-write everyday, it's nice to have time to write down what's on my mind. School keeps me pretty busy, I have something to do after school everyday. With saying that, every other thought is focused on you.

There's a group going to Jamaica for spring break. The hardest part is that I know you'd be going with me. I've ran out of tears, or maybe it's impossible to get this out of me. I don't ever want you to leave me, not any more than you have already. It's so hard to believe that 5 months and 1 day ago everything was perfect. I was on a field trip having the time of my life. I was mad I wasn't going to Brute with you, but I knew I'd get updates on how out of shape you were and how every one was doing. I knew I was going to get pictures of your new shoes or some ridiculous hat you found. Instead, my world stopped. I feel like the rest of the world should have stopped too.

I'm on the marketing team for your scholarship fund. I love hearing stories about you and doing something that's focused completely on me. Brett's on it with me, I'm glad I get to be with your other best friend. If Dylan was on it, the trio would be complete. You should be proud of Dylan, going to college, playing soccer, wearing your number. I went and watched him play, he did awesome.

I no longer have those moments where I forget your gone. I wish I still had those. I wish I still had you. I think we all wish we still had you. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and just be able to open them and see you. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to know why you left me without saying goodbye. If I could rewind time, I would go back to the Saturday before you died. I would relive that day over and over again.

You'd laugh at how much I love Abraham Lincoln right now. Then you'd tell me some random civil war facts that I didn't care anything about. I wish I could dream about you more. I've only had two, but I know why I only get two. They hurt so much when I wake up. I'm glad there's videos of you. I miss your voice. I miss our random hour long phone calls. I miss everything about you. I'm waiting on it to be better. I'm waiting on the hurt to go away. I don't know when that'll happen, if it'll ever happen. I just need you to know, that I love you so much and I miss you even more than that.

I can't wait to see you again, and I'm thankful for every minute I spent with you.

Your best friend,
Megan

"They've promised that dreams come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too." - Oscar Wilde

4 months.

4 months. 16 weeks. 122 days.

I could say I'm doing better, but I'm not. I miss you more every day, and time is not helping. August is a hard month. You should be at trap nationals, shooting right beside me. I should be taking you to college, helping you buy books and setting up your schedule. We should be eating at Nakatos every weekend, because you'll miss it when your gone. We should be planning what wrestling meets and tournaments I can come to. We should be planning for our skiing trip and spring break. We should be sitting in your basement, and I should be telling you what to do on whatever video game your playing. We should be watching every season of The Walking Dead and singing along to Phantom of the Opera. We should be crying because it's going to suck living hours apart. Instead, I'm constantly reminded that I'll never get to do those things. I'm stuck in a place where I have to look at reminders of you. I love thinking about you, and it's probably a good thing I do because you're permanently on my mind. I hate being reminded that I don't have you anymore. I hate that I feel jealous of people pretending they knew you, when I know they really didn't. I hate that you never knew how many people truly loved you. I hate that we always laid on my bed and talked about not having any friends, when so many were there for you. Who would've known that you really had thousands of friends. I feel bad for anyone who tries to get close to me right now, every one gets compared to you. That's a lot to live up to. There was nothing you could do, to make me give up on you.

It's amazing, the things I would do for one more day with you. I'm so burnt out right now. I'm tired. I don't want to go back to school, even though I know I have to. I don't want to try. I wish I did. I wish I had a back up plan. I wish I had some kind of plan. I'm so ready to get away from this place. I don't mean Willard, I mean this place I'm in, in life. I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I can get away. I'm basically stuck. I'm not able to move on. I don't think I'm ever going to fully move on. I've gotten better at laughing and allowing myself to have fun. But there's just those moments, where all I want to do is go back to when I had you. I knew everything about you, that's why I know when someone is lying about really knowing you as a best friend would. I know your favorite songs, your favorite movies, all the girls you had crushes on, your favorite drink, what sushi you would order, your real laugh and your fake laugh, your different smiles, everything. Maybe, that's what I really truly miss, knowing someone that well. Everything was so easy. I miss that easiness. I miss that sheer joy I felt when you came over to cheer me up when I was sick. I miss feeling calm when I knew you were okay. I miss you annoying me whenever you could. I miss feeling strong. I feel broken, even though I'm just a little cracked. I'm trying my hardest to glue myself back together. It's just so much harder than I would have imagined.

It's weird, when I thought about what I would do if one of my friends died, it was never you, and it was never this response. I imagined I'd lock myself up in my bed for a week, cry on everyone's shoulder, and be grateful for my own life. When you died, I had to go to your house and make sure. I had to see your mom. I had to comfort those boys, they needed me. I had to be a selfless. I cried on a few shoulders, but kept a smile as best as I could. I'm not that grateful, I'm grateful you don't have to deal with this. I'm thankful for the people who have stayed by my side. I'm thankful you brought me to Jean Ann, she's helped more than I can describe. It's a little weird, buying all pink, when you only wore it to make people uncomfortable. I remember when we went down to Neosho for Melynn, and convinced Zach and Trevor you were gay. I drove down there alone for the first time since then a couple weeks ago for her birthday. She misses you too.

I have no idea what this blog will look like in a 8 months. I'm not sure it will be much different. Sometimes I go sit by your grave after work. I don't talk, because I've never been one to talk to the ground, but I feel peaceful. I feel safe with you there. I still day dream about you showing up and telling me you had to fake your death for some unreal reason. I wish that could really happen. It's hard to see people moving on and getting over it, when I'm not even close to over it. I know I don't need you here, but it would sure make things easier.

I love you, and I miss you more than words alone can describe.

Your best friend,
Megan

3 Months.

3 Months. 12 weeks. 92 days. They all mean the same thing time wise. I've gone that long knowing I have to go the rest of my life without my best friend. People say time heals all pain, well I don't think 92 years is going to heal this kind of pain. It's been over 3 months since I've watched my favorite movie, because I can't handle watching it without Steeler. I've learned that I can be a pretty good actress when I want to be. You wake up, you let it hit you that there's a piece missing, then put on a smile and live by helping others. To say I've pushed people away is an understatement. The same could be said for letting people in. I've practically pushed everyone away that I wasn't extremely close to. I've also opened up and allowed for complete strangers to really know who I am. I'm afraid to make new friends, because I don't want to lose any one else. I couldn't deal with that kind of pain twice, at least not right now.

It's the strangest thing, going from having someone a phone call or 10 minute drive away, to having them disappear from the same realm. At times these three months have slowly trickled by, and at other times they've flown by. If you would have told me 100 days ago that I'd be without my best friend for 92 days right now, I would've told you, you were crazy and I wouldn't survive. I would've underestimated myself. I've proven to myself how strong I really can be. I would be a liar if I said I didn't cry frequently or feel lost or have increased anxiety. All of those things have accompanied the worst year of my life. However, if this stays the worst year of my life, I can live with that. I'd rather have it all happen now, so I can move on later and be happy.

I've learned how to live through different songs, letting it out, and having to live with the fact that I can't change a thing. Which is hard, because I have to be in control in order to be calm, but I've done it. A lot of people tell me they still can't believe Steeler's gone. Well I can, because to much has changed for him to still be here. If he was here, he'd be coming to my house tomorrow, we'd be going to get sushi, we'd go buy matching cardigans. I can believe that he's gone, because we aren't doing those things. He hasn't made a stupid Facebook status with terrible grammar and spelling that I have to correct, he hasn't called me to tell me his latest dumb stunt, we haven't gone to get pizza and dr. pepper because the food our dads made was taking too long. That's how I know he's gone. I've accepted that.

What I haven't accepted, is the fact that someone took him away. I wish so badly, that it had been a car accident, that would be so much easier to understand. I hate the fact that someone knows what he was doing outside his car or knows what happened at all, and I don't have the slightest idea. All I have are assumptions, and they get you no where. I feel bad for saying I don't want to know, but knowing makes it so real. I like to ignore that part. I don't need to know why or how it happened, it happened. I can't change that, and knowing how or why doesn't make it any easier. I've watched people do 360s and completely change who they used to be because of what happened. I haven't changed that much, if anything I've just gotten firmer in my beliefs and stopped caring what everyone thinks. I'm sad. I miss my best friend. I miss that missing piece. I'm slowly moving forward, though. Making a little process is sometimes the only thing you can wish for.

Memories Over Material

Currently, I'm sitting on my back deck with my best friend, Kelsie, eating some black berry cobbler that my amazing sister, Megan, made. We're listening to Kenny Chesney and telling each other stories while waiting to see my mom's alien spaceship. Now, my mom has absolutely no clue what blogging is, I've tried to explain it and she doesn't get it. She just puts it with all the other technological things that I do, and she doesn't. She told me today, like she has many times before that material things don't matter. You can't take it with you when you die, so why do you need it? Memories are much more important, they can actually last a lifetime. I've met so many people that are materialistic. I try not to be, and it bothers me when people are. I feel bad for them, there's so much more to life than stuff. There's just something humbling about not having the best of everything or not having all the in-style clothes.

Lately, all I've wanted was pictures of my best friend. We have three together. One was taken on purpose by him at state, one is of him hugging me in the wrestling room taken from behind us, and the other is one where we were taken off guard at a wrestling tournament. I wish we had more together. I have the tie-dye shirt I made him, that he wrote I'm a Jew on and wore to every wrestling tournament. That's serves as a pillow case for my favorite pillow that I sleep with every night. I have a bracelet that Thomas gave me of Steeler's name and birthdate/death date. I have a dog tag that Wendy gave me; it's my security blanket and makes me feel safe. I don't leave my house without it. The only other thing I have is memories. Sure I have a few text messages, but none of them make very much sense because we always just called each other. What keeps me going is driving around, hearing a song, seeing a movie, or being able to do anything and have a memory pop up in my head. Almost all of them are wonderful and make me smile. That was the thing about Steeler, I have less than a handful of bad memories. He didn't allow for bad times, and when the circumstances were less than ideal, he could make the situation a whole lot better.

So memories make things better. I have more than a dozen songs that remind me of Steeler, sad ones and just old ones we used to listen to on repeat. When I hear them, I smile. I miss him more and more everyday. It blows my mind how some people have just moved on. I guess we all cope differently. I sometimes wish we could all be like Steeler, in the way that he never knew a stranger. He wasn't afraid to be himself and you weren't afraid to be yourself around him. I think the world would be a lot friendlier.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. Don't let the material things take over your life. Live off of memories and let them carry you when times get rough. Take the time to be friendly with a stranger, you might make their day a little brighter.

The Reason My Path Changed

At 7 in the morning on April 6, 2012 my mom came into my room, woke me up, and made me go into the living room. I sat down on the couch and heard the worst sentence she's ever said. "Megan, Steeler died last night." I don't know if you've ever burst in to tears, but before I heard that last word I was bawling.

Steeler Daulton Seaburn is the boy in the picture at the top of this blog. I believe in your life, certain people come along and some are meant to stay there, while others have to leave you, but change your life for the time they are there. I never imagined Steeler being one that had to leave. In fact, I had planned my entire life around the fact that he was never going to leave me. We weren't dating, he was not my boyfriend. He was my best friend. I've never been closer to anyone than I was with Steeler. For around four years, when someone asked who my best friends were, Stee was at the top of the list. I remember the first time he ever talked to me, I was in 7th grade (he was in 8th) and he walked up and asked if I was Taylor Ball's little sister. After saying yes, he proceeded to tell me how cool Taylor was for the rest of lunch. That was who Steeler was though, he talked to anyone and everyone. He was obnoxious, loud, and full of life. Everyone knew Steeler, he was always doing something to get in trouble, but he was the furthest thing from a bad kid. He was wrestling team captain, had a job, had tons of friends, was always busy, loved his family (the Seaburn clan is something else), and was always there for you if you needed him. I know a lot of people who have said Steeler was their best friend, but that's who he was. He would be anyone's best friend. I was just lucky to be one of his best friends too.

I don't really know how to explain how close we were to anyone. I've been told that we're the only ones who will ever truly understand it. I'm not a weak person, ask anyone I know, but my weakest moment was seeing my best friend laying in a casket at the front of a church. I pray that no one has to go through that at my age. It's the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing you can't do anything to bring him back.

I know the last time I told him I loved him and when he told me last. I know that entire conversation we had outside of the middle school. I hate that I didn't get to spend time with him the last week he was here. I'm forever grateful for the Saturday I got with him the week before he died. We laid in my bed talking about who knows what. It was my grandma's birthday party at my house and he came over, probably for the good food, and to talk about his latest problems. We got on my ranger and had to go take his dad something in the feed plot, I got stuck and he made fun of my driving for the rest of the ride. He tried to get me to run over a turtle, so instead I made him spill his drink all over the place. I always laughed so hard when I was with him. He made my day.

Even though this has by far been the hardest year of my life, some good has come out of Steeler leaving me. I've gotten very close to a few people I was either drifting from, or had never really known before. I've learned who cares, it's amazing the number of people who will be there for you when you need them. I've gained a lot of respect for people I didn't imagine ever caring about me. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that self-respect and self-worth are the most important things you could ever have in life. Once you have those, you don't need that acceptance that you think you do. In the past, I wasn't very confident, I had confidence but not the kind I needed. I'll definitely hit on those topics later because I'm very passionate them.

I know someone knows what I'm going through, I just don't want to believe that quite yet. I maybe strong, but I miss him everyday. I miss him more than I ever imagined I would. I cry often and sometimes I get angry, jealous, and more often then not confused. I'm angry any one could hit someone and leave them there to die and be able to keep it inside this long. I'm jealous that other people got to spend his last night with him, while I was in bed asleep. I'm so confused as to why my best friend had to be taken away in such an unsightly manor. I'm strong though, and I know I'm going to get through the worst of this.