10 Things I've Learned in Semester One

I haven't posted since May, which is a little strange, but when you write 4 page papers every other week (that's what if feels like anyway), you get a little tired of writing. But hey, I'm back, probably just for this one post until around March so I'll try to make this a good one.
I've officially finished my first semester of college here at Oklahoma State. And here's the first thing I'll tell you: I love college. There's so much I love about it, but don't let me get going. If you go to college and you absolutely hate it, you're at the wrong place. So the work is hard and you're tired and being social is sometimes scary, oh well it's worth it. Anyway, I thought I'd make a nice list of what I've learned so far this semester. Life lessons and also just cool facts and figures. It'll give me another chance to brag about my school, so that's cool part.

1. College is hard. Honestly, it's not the work that's so hard, it's the growing up part. It's the learning to live with people who aren't on the same page as you part. It's the feeling like you're all alone and have no one to support you part. Mostly it's the on your own part, that's the part that sends kids home and gives you anxiety attacks. 
2. College is 10x > high school. In almost every way. The sports are better, there's so much freedom, and you don't have to go to class until 10:30. Well I don't anyway. 
3. The saddest part is not connecting with any professors right away. Teachers care and want to know about you and be involved in your life. Professors sometimes do, but they aren't going to give an effort for it. 
4. Again, if you don't love college, you're probably at the wrong one or studying the wrong thing. There's always going to be classes you hate, but if you hate your major you should probably change it before you hate your life. 
5. Join a club or organization or something. Making friends isn't super easy in college. Sure if you're in a frat or sorority you'll make friends, but if you're like me and Greek life is not for you find something else. Mat maids is where I fit, and I love it, and I get to do what I love. Perfect see?
6. You don't actually have to party, and if you go you don't have to drink. People won't make fun of you, if they do they obviously aren't your friends. 
7. College is not for the closed minded. I don't care what your morals are or what religion you proclaim, this isn't the place to push those on someone else. This is the place to explore them. I can honestly say I have dug deeper and learned more about myself than anything else these past few months. 
8. To a high school kid, from a former high school kid - stop it. Those posts on Facebook complaining about the government and not having a snow day and how you know exactly what you want and who you are, stop those. Trust me, at one point I was you, and then I stopped, and then I was a college student taking classes that challenged what I believed I wanted and who I believed I was. Then there was the class that taught me the government and all that stuff that seems so simple is really ridiculously complicated. Really, look into tort or administrative law and tell me it's not that difficult to understand. So stop it. Just try to be positive. Post about your boyfriend, or the basketball game, or getting your driver's license. Don't try to say something you really know nothing about, because those posts will bite you one day. 
9. Disney supports battery. Okay, Walt probably didn't realize it when he was drawing and dreaming up Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, but in law terms when the prince kisses the sleeping girl it could be considered battery if the princess decides she didn't want to be kissed. Law is a tricky thing. Don't get me started on the different kinds of contracts I had to learn. 
10. Procrastination is real, and something needs to be done about it. Finals will teach you that real quick. 

So yeah, I think that's the majority of what I wanted to say. I still love Abraham Lincoln, and I still think Jesus was the coolest man to ever live so I haven't really changed all that much. Don't ask me for legal advice, I still haven't decided on law school yet. Oh, and I'm still really funny and my confidence has not gone down at all. I don't really remember how to finish a blog anymore, but I can say it feels great to write something without trying to sound incredibly intelligent the whole time. Anyway, Go Pokes! Live Orange! Orange Power! And all those other sayings. 

P.S. How cool is John Smith? 

Divorcing High School

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. Actually it's my last day of structured education. And after 13 years of a relationship that's slowly faded from love to fondness, it's time to get a divorce. I say divorce because I'm not exactly happy in this relationship. There are parts of school that I love more than wrestling, which is a lot, but there are parts that I just can't handle much longer. It's a bittersweet time. It's so exciting to know that I'm at the threshold of my future, and yet, it's so sad that there are people I know I won't ever see again after project grad. That's what I want to focus on. I am so incredibly honored to be one of the graduation speakers this year. It means more to me than anyone will ever know. My speech is more focused on the future, so I'd just like to throw out some thoughts about the last four years.

I can't imagine having a better group of classmates than we have. I feel incredibly blessed to be able to drift between different friend groups and get to know everyone. I am so thankful for the genuine people who fill our grade. Even those of us who don't get along all the time can put things aside to join together and cheer on our classmates. There are so many different memories that I've built up these past four years and before. I remember having Axe wars in 6th grade and all the dumb things we did. It's been such a roller coaster ride. We've been through so much together, it's seems crazy that it's all coming to an end. But like I'll say in my speech, graduation shouldn't be the climax of our lives. We have the ability and opportunity to do great things. I have faith that all of us can and will do something great. I would thank people individually for my experiences, but I would end up forgetting something and feeling horrible, so I'll just go for a general thank you. Thank you to the teachers who helped me learn more than what books can teach me. Thank you to the friends new and old I've made. Thank you to the friends I've lost, you taught me the kind of person I don't want to be. Thank you to my family who has been more than supportive. And finally, thank you to the Willard High School class of 2013. There is no other group I'd want to spend 13 years with, and if I could, I have no doubt that I'd do it all again. I've learned so much from each and every one of you and there is no way I would be the person I am today without all of you. I love you guys, and I promise that if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I will always be willing to listen. It's been the ride of a lifetime, thank you for taking it with me.

12 months.

12 months. 1 year. 365 days.

This morning I didn't want to wake up, because I was terrified of all the messages facebook would bring. I wished that when I did wake up this entire year would just be a dream and maybe I could call you and tell you to stay in that spot until I got there. I haven't seen your face, heard your voice, or watched you do something stupid for 370 days. A year ago I woke up to the one message I never wanted to get. There's this moment when your heart breaks, just shatters into pieces, and you know there's nothing you can do about it. When you just sob uncontrollably because that's the only way your body knows how to react when something so extreme happens. The thing is, I never even went into denial. I knew it was true. I remember looking up at the tv and seeing your car. I had no doubt at all then. I had no idea what had happened and I still don't, but that didn't matter, all that mattered is you were gone. I almost called you Thursday night. I picked up my phone because I hadn't seen you all week and I wanted to go get sushi or something, but I was tired. I was so tired that I just put my phone down, put sweats on and went to sleep. That was at 7 p.m., at 7 a.m. I regretted that moment so severely I couldn't stand it. I remember everything from this day a year ago. I remember getting to your house before your parents. I remember not being able to stop crying. It just kept coming. We all just stood around. Around the house, the front yard, the back yard, people were everywhere. It was the first time I realized that you had more friends than either one of us knew. So many cared about you. So many more care about you now. That's a little ironic isn't it? That when you die all those people come out of the woodwork. People you said two words to or smiled at all had stories to tell. I guess that's what happens when you're a good person. People are drawn to you.

There are no words to explain how much I miss you. Maybe you were my soulmate in the nonromantic way. The kind of soulmate who knows everything about you but loves you anyway. Where everything is absolutely perfect and comfortable when your together, and there are none of those extra feelings that mess friendships up. Just a connection. I've been searching for another one, but I can't seem to find them. Maybe I won't, but that's okay because I was lucky enough to have one. I talk about you all the time, because it makes me happy. I think about you constantly, because I don't have a choice. Everything I do reminds me of you. There are so many things we should've been able to do or be able to do now. That makes me angry. But there are a few thing that have came out of this that I'm grateful for. I love being close to your family. I love knowing exactly who I am. I love that I can now be grateful for friendships and for happiness, because I've experienced a loss of both. This has been the hardest year of my life, because even when I was doing amazing things and meeting amazing people, I knew I would give it all up to have you back. I'm still waiting for the fallout. For the moment everyone finds out what happened that night. When there are answers that still won't satisfy. It's not going to be a good moment, but a necessary one.

I miss you so much. So unbelievably much. I love you more than I did a year ago, but I wish you were here so I love you weren't just words on a screen. Nothing is ever going to be the same, but that's a part of life. I'll see you someday soon.

11 months/The Saddest Goodbye.

Yesterday marked eleven months without my best friend. Today marks the end of something I'm not ready to say goodbye to. Usually I write a letter to Steeler, but it's really just a letter for myself. Today I'm going to write a blog for the thing that holds the biggest part of my heart, the Willard Wrestling Team.

For six years I've devoted my time and a large part of my life to my team. Every time I thought about leaving Willard schools, I couldn't bring myself to leave those boys behind. They made me feel at home, like I didn't belong anywhere else. I now realize that I really didn't belong anywhere else. This past year I had a big inner struggle. I didn't know if it was possible to go back in the room where I had so many memories, but something told me I had to, so I did. Without that room and the people inside, I don't think I would of ever figured out who I am. I've found something I love more than I've ever loved anything else. I have a passion for wrestling, even if I don't wrestle myself. I guess what I'm really trying to get across is that I have no idea who I'd be if I didn't have wrestling, but I don't think I'd like that person.

To the boys I've been able to call my teammates and brothers: I love all of you more than you'll ever know. Even the boys I don't really like, I love. There's no way I could describe how thankful I am to have met each and every one of you guys. Each one of you has a special part in my heart. I am so proud of you boys, there is nothing better than getting to watch you go out on the mat and show your talent. That being said, I feel every defeat you do and it kills me when I know you're upset. I rode that roller coaster for six years, and if I could, I'd ride it for six more. There is no way I'd rather spend my weekends or weeknights than cheering you guys on. You'll always be my family, and if any of you ever need any help I will always be here for you.

To the coaches who have been more than just a coach: Thank you. Kiiler, Fletchall, Presley, Wiester, any every other man I should list, I can never thank you enough. To you I wasn't just an annoying girl who wanted to be around a group of boys, you saw how much I love the sport and respected that. You've let me be apart of something extremely special, and I am forever grateful for that opportunity.

To everyone who is apart of the Willard Wrestling Family: I love you. Thank you for letting me be apart of something so special. There's nothing greater than having a huge group of people behind you and encouraging you in everything you do.

I can't believe it's come time to say goodbye to something  I hold so dear to me. I know it's not really goodbye, I'll be back often, but it's going to be very different from the past. I will always be a Willard Dragon and I will always be here for anyone who has been apart of the family. Thank you for every opportunity, every exciting match, and for just being better than any team out there.

Dear IOC

For those of you who don't know the devastating news, the IOC has voted to recommend wrestling be removed from the 2020 Olympic Games. This means that there will be a set of meetings where the IOC will vote to remove one of the summer sports. Unfortunately wrestling is one of those to be voted on. As a fan of wrestling I have a tremendous problem with this. For me, wrestling isn't just a sport. It's my life. I've based my entire high school career around wrestling. I never did anything that interfered with the three month season and I've missed maybe 5 of the approximately 56 duals that our team has participated in. Wrestling saved my life and brought my "family" together at a time when we thought all hope was lost. That's the beautiful thing about wrestling, it's an individual sport, but it feels more like a team. Although I have never and never plan on wrestling, the sport has slowly turned into the most important thing in the world to me. I chose to attend Oklahoma State University because of the wrestling team, in fact, I never even thought about attending a school without a wrestling program. I would even be content to devout my entire life to wrestling. I practically do anyway. I can't even begin to list the opportunities that I've been given thanks to wrestling. I've met multiple Olympians, seen amazing matches, and experienced multiple wrestling programs. I guess the main part of that would be meeting Olympians. It's like meeting a god of your sport. Olympians are heroes to kids. That's the heartbreaking part of this. Many boys I know dream of being Olympians. The train all year long, switching from Greco-Roman, to Freestyle, to Folkstyle. They learn the rules and regulations of each different genre of wrestling, and they learn to excel in one or more. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to spend my entire life preparing to complete a goal only for it to be torn away from me. That's what the IOC is doing to these upcoming heroes. I can't even imagine what will happen to the sport of Greco-Roman or Freestyle wrestling if the IOC passes this. I honestly believe they will disappear from the United States. Sure there are still Worlds and other international competitions, but none have the glory of an Olympic title. I know that if wrestling is removed from the Olympics that I will never watch another game until it is returned. I also know that I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to keep wrestling in the games. I just don't understand how you can justify removing the one of the original games. It's completely sickening. I do have faith though. I have faith in a universal wrestling community that will come together to accomplish our goal. The wrestling world deserves recognition of the highest level, and that level is being a part of the Olympic Games. If you are interested in helping with the cause go visit and like the Keep Wrestling in the Olympics Facebook page. Sign every petition you can, email the members of the IOC, and keep spreading the word. Don't let this cause die out. Fight for the freshman in high school who might've been an Olympic Champion if he'd had someone stand up for his sport. Do whatever you can to overturn this decision. There's strength in numbers so join the fight. After all, there is no greater show of athleticism than a competition of raw strength between two human beings, and that show is the sport of wrestling. Take a gander at what OLYMPIC Gold Medalist and Head Coach of Oklahoma State John Smith has to say.

If you want to contact me about anything I've said or you have any other questions feel free to email me: megan.ball9@gmail.com
Remember: #SaveOlympicWrestling

10 months.

It's a new year, but that just means anniversaries come quicker. I feel like every significant date with you is focused on the first 4 months of the year. Last week you would've turned 19. It's a little weird because for some reason that day didn't really bother me. January 31 should be a happy day, not a sad day. On days like that I just pretend like nothings wrong. I can usually make it through the day without crying, but it's the only thing on my mind. Actually, you're the only thing that is constantly on my mind. I went to the Oklahoma State vs. Mizzou dual last Friday night. I was the only one wearing OSU in our section, you would've thought that was funny. Anyway, we (me, Paris, and Mom) were surrounded by Mizzou's red-shirt and jv team. There was a super annoying kid in front of us with a mullet and nasty rat stache and all I wanted to do was be able to take a picture and send it to you. That just stole my attention until the wrestlers came out to warm up. It was such a cool experience. I know you would've loved it. I wished you could've been there too, but at times like that I just tell myself you'd be in college anyway. 

Yesterday was National Pancake Day, and as strange as it may be, yesterday was a hard day. For the past 3 years we'd gone to IHOP for free pancakes. No matter what you always showed up to go with me. Yesterday, no one could go with me. No one would've measured up to you anyway. That's my big problem now. Every person I meet or hang out with gets compared to you. They never match up. I think that's what I miss the most, having that friendship that no one could split up. I miss having someone who never did anything that could or would hurt me. If I had a problem with something and told you, you stopped doing it. I wish I had told you to stop going to those parties. I don't blame myself for anything that's happened in this situation, I couldn't live if I started to do that. Sometimes I just get in this mood where I wish I had called you that night. I was going to. I had your name pulled up on my phone and everything, but then I decided I was too tired and just wanted to sleep. That moment eats at me sometimes. I fully realize that we could've gone to eat and the same thing could've happened, but I like to pretend it wouldn't have.

My biggest wish is to go back to that Saturday before you died. When we just got one last day of driving around my field, watching tv, making fun of our dads. It was such a good day. You were annoying, obnoxious, cranky, hilarious, and my best friend. I miss those Saturdays. A lot has happened in 10 months. We're reading a play in english called Women of Lockerbie. It's about the town and parents coping with the bombing of Pan Am 103. It's extremely depressing and dark, but there's a light at the end that makes everything okay. It's weird now, but I like when things are okay. I like that flat line where nothing awesome or terrible happens. Back to Lockerbie. So, we're reading this play and it's about a mother, Maddie, who goes back to Lockerbie, Scotland every year to look for a sign of her son. He was sitting over the bomb, so he was pretty much turned to dust, she just can't cope with not having anything of Adam's. Her husband wants to give up on her, but a good thing happens and she gets some of Adam's belongings. It kind of saves her life. I wrote a poem for the LAD fair about it, but I only wrote it because it could go a long with you. I'll put it at the bottom of this blog. The last couple lines are written because Maddie would be in her late 70s or early 80s now.

It's been 24 years since the plane crash. I can't imagine what I'll say to you in 24 years. Or what life will be like then. All I do know is that you'll still be on my mind. I love you. I miss you. Keep a watch over the boys, it's districts week.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that Heaven is beautiful.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I didn't feel a thing.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that I can hear angels sing.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I still remember you.

Dear Mom, 
I thought you should know
that I will always love you.

Dear Mom,
I thought you should know
that it is time to let go.

9 months.

9 months.
This sucks. I'm sick. I miss you. All I think about is what could have been, and I'm thinking things could've been pretty great. I've learned a lot from your death, but I wouldn't mind forgetting it if you were here. I almost didn't write this one, because I just don't feel like it. Maybe next month I'll have more to write, but this is it until then. I still love you, that won't ever change. I'll call you my best friend forever. That's all.