It's been 5 years.
I feel like I'm supposed to say it feels like yesterday, and while my wounds still ache it does feel like 5 years. When this date or your birthday comes around my chest feels like it might collapse in on itself. My heart hurts so badly, I feel like if you opened up my chest you'd see the crack that is still so deep. April 6, 2012 was the most traumatic day of my life. It probably sounds wrong, but I hope it stays that way. I never want to have to do that again, or have another day where I need the world to stop but it keeps going.
I try to look strong and stable and logical and together. I usually succeed in at least 3/4. I thought that's what I needed to do. I didn't need to let anyone know about how after you left I would forget how to breathe just walking to my kitchen, or folding my clothes, or standing at your gravesite. I didn't need to talk about how hard it was to go to sleep, because the night you were killed I was sleeping instead of with you. I didn't need to talk about how I needed to take a nap every day in order to have enough energy to get through the day since sleeping at night was so difficult and some days it felt impossible to get out of my bed. I didn't need to say why I started crying, because if the less I talked about it the sooner I would stop and could pretend like the tears had never fell. I hid my struggles for 4 years. I still hide them, but I can admit them more.
I feel bad, but I hate the messages that come with today. I hate the empathy and sympathy. They've also dwindled down. I only get a few, and as much as I hate the reminder of how I'm supposed to feel today, I love knowing those few people will forever care.
So much has changed. It feels like so many people have forgotten. People probably think I've forgotten. They're wrong if they do. I think about you every single day.
I graduate in a month. I'll be in classroom for a couple years and then who knows where I'll go. Probably law school since I've had a plan to go for a couple years now. Jake and I have a house in Tulsa, but we'll end up somewhere else. He took me to the Pacific Ocean for my birthday, and I sat on a swing on a beach in Oregon and thought about how I got to that point in life. I let the smell of the ocean and the chill that the Pacific has wash over me as I swung, and I thought about you. I thought about how it was okay for me to be happy in that moment, even though a part of me felt like I still shouldn't be allowed to really be happy. I've learned to ignore that part of my brain.
5 years is a long time to be without someone, but being without you shaped me into who I am. I'm a better person and a stronger person than I was when you were still here. I have amazing friends, but I've separated myself from home because it reminds me of you and that hurts. I think that will get better over time, I guess we'll see.
I love you and I miss you, Steeler. I always will.
