This morning I didn't want to wake up, because I was terrified of all the messages facebook would bring. I wished that when I did wake up this entire year would just be a dream and maybe I could call you and tell you to stay in that spot until I got there. I haven't seen your face, heard your voice, or watched you do something stupid for 370 days. A year ago I woke up to the one message I never wanted to get. There's this moment when your heart breaks, just shatters into pieces, and you know there's nothing you can do about it. When you just sob uncontrollably because that's the only way your body knows how to react when something so extreme happens. The thing is, I never even went into denial. I knew it was true. I remember looking up at the tv and seeing your car. I had no doubt at all then. I had no idea what had happened and I still don't, but that didn't matter, all that mattered is you were gone. I almost called you Thursday night. I picked up my phone because I hadn't seen you all week and I wanted to go get sushi or something, but I was tired. I was so tired that I just put my phone down, put sweats on and went to sleep. That was at 7 p.m., at 7 a.m. I regretted that moment so severely I couldn't stand it. I remember everything from this day a year ago. I remember getting to your house before your parents. I remember not being able to stop crying. It just kept coming. We all just stood around. Around the house, the front yard, the back yard, people were everywhere. It was the first time I realized that you had more friends than either one of us knew. So many cared about you. So many more care about you now. That's a little ironic isn't it? That when you die all those people come out of the woodwork. People you said two words to or smiled at all had stories to tell. I guess that's what happens when you're a good person. People are drawn to you.
There are no words to explain how much I miss you. Maybe you were my soulmate in the nonromantic way. The kind of soulmate who knows everything about you but loves you anyway. Where everything is absolutely perfect and comfortable when your together, and there are none of those extra feelings that mess friendships up. Just a connection. I've been searching for another one, but I can't seem to find them. Maybe I won't, but that's okay because I was lucky enough to have one. I talk about you all the time, because it makes me happy. I think about you constantly, because I don't have a choice. Everything I do reminds me of you. There are so many things we should've been able to do or be able to do now. That makes me angry. But there are a few thing that have came out of this that I'm grateful for. I love being close to your family. I love knowing exactly who I am. I love that I can now be grateful for friendships and for happiness, because I've experienced a loss of both. This has been the hardest year of my life, because even when I was doing amazing things and meeting amazing people, I knew I would give it all up to have you back. I'm still waiting for the fallout. For the moment everyone finds out what happened that night. When there are answers that still won't satisfy. It's not going to be a good moment, but a necessary one.
I miss you so much. So unbelievably much. I love you more than I did a year ago, but I wish you were here so I love you weren't just words on a screen. Nothing is ever going to be the same, but that's a part of life. I'll see you someday soon.
