8 years later. It feels like an entire lifetime; I guess for some it has been.
Today is hectic. This year has been hectic. If anything, now should be the perfect time for reflection, but humans seem to enjoy chaos over meditation. I try to make this a day of reflection each year. I also try to hide that this day is the hardest one for me each year.
I have probably two break downs a year over you not being here anymore. That number varies, but I think this year I only had two. Usually not today though. Today isn't hard because of some overwhelming emotions. Today is hard because I have to remember why you aren't here. I guess I don't know exactly why. I don't know every single detail that happened that night, and I don't like to talk about it either. I don't want to know either.
It isn't my right to know what happened, just my burden to keep the outcome in my mind the rest of my life. I share this burden with plenty of people, but as time goes on less people express it. I don't think that's a bad thing. I certainly don't want to express it when I'm hit with how heavy that burden can be, but I know that impacts how others judge me. I guess that is maybe one of the biggest changes I've undergone over the last 8 years. I, frankly, don't give a shit about their judgments.
I used to care. I also used to take things too personally. I used to struggle with the idea that someone could possibly have a negative opinion about me, because I was trying so hard to be the best human I could be. I've realized now, that people need distractions, and I wasn't the best human even when I was giving my best.
One of the best distractions is scrutinizing other people's lives and the picture of that life they present to the public on social media. I present very little these days. Those closest to me know that my life is pretty stable. I have found the ability to cut out those I need to, and without guilt, which has brought so much peace to my life. I am happy. I am privileged to live the life I do, and ultimately, I want to live my life. I try to keep myself cognizant of this when viewing other people's lives as well. I have no room to judge, but I get why it happens. All of this to say, I haven't forgotten about you.
I still get a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat when I hear "Sail," but I never turn it off. I still imagine the conversations we never had and what your like may have looked like now. I know that will never change, but I also recognize that the world has changed, I've changed, and that is going to continue to happen. I can accept that.
I'm not sure how long I'll continue this blog. Maybe this is the end, maybe not. Either way, two things are constant truths:
I miss you, Steeler. I'll love you forever.
