I'm not angry anymore.
Sometimes I feel guilty for not being angry like others still are, but anger doesn't fix anything. I'm just sad. I get so sad sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Compared to other years in my life, this one has been filled with the most happiness since you've been gone. When I was angry, I didn't cry. This year I've cried a lot. Sometimes without realizing why I'm crying at first. I think it's because the anger is gone and I just miss you.
So much has happened in four years. I have a year left of college. I'll graduate with two degrees. One for political science with a minor in philosophy, and one for history. I think you had an influence on the second one, and man has that one given me trouble. I have two paths open to me this way. I plan on going to law school right now, but we all know you were the more argumentative one. I want to teach some day. I know had our original plan not worked out for you, teaching and coaching would have been the outcome. I'm mat maid president again. I spent spring break in New York for Nationals and thought about you every minute. I still think of you at every single match. I still think of you ever single hour of every single day. I wish you would have met Jake and Kaelin, or that they had been able to meet you. They've helped me so much, Steeler. They know what I've been through, because they've been through it too. I think it's crazy how the universe works that way.
Things have changed a lot. So strange how much can change in what feels like such a short amount of time. But, I guess time is relative. I've changed so much, my opinions, my thoughts, and my actions. I blame that on the philosophy classes and all the deep thinking. I really don't like social media on days like today, and I don't want to talk to most people, because each I love you stings. It stings because I know where it's coming from and why its being said and they brings tears to my eyes. There are so many songs lately that hit me hard. Like your mom, "Who You'd Be Today" hurts the most I think. Every single line is a punch to the stomach, but I can't stop listening. I want to know so badly where you'd be, what you'd be doing, the shenanigans you would have gotten into, and what you'd look like. Cole Swindell has a song that he wrote about his father called "You Should Be Here," and even though it's about his dad all I can think of you. I miss your laugh and your smile and how you made my stomach hurt from laughing.
I remember the night before summer school started when you slept in the basement and Sierra and I slept upstairs, but we drove around in the beemer the night before and made you take us to school before you went to football practice. Memories like that make me so happy, because I have the worst memory occasionally popping up and making the sadness come back. I keep the happy memories for stories. I tell them more and more. I love you Steeler. So much. I miss you, so much. I still don't know why this happened, or what I was supposed to learn if its true that everything happens for a reason (I wrote a paper in philosophy over this and still can't figure out where I stand). I do know that I'm okay. I know you are more than okay now. I am happy, but I am also sad. That's okay to me.
