I feel bad. I missed the lantern lighting and IHOP this year. Sometimes I think this weekend shouldn't be any different than the others, because it's not like you are any more gone this weekend, but it is different. Thursday night came and I couldn't fall asleep or really stay asleep. Then Friday came and I felt like there was lump in my throat all day and I forgot to breathe at times. Then Saturday I was mostly alone, so I made a lot of complicated dishes for Easter to occupy my time and watched an entire series on Netflix. At times it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and still, I reminded myself to breathe. Easter was good for the most part. I woke up, got ready, and finished making dinner. I had friends over, they made me laugh, and I was distracted for the most part. Then I was alone. There's something about having so much noise and people in one place and then being there when that is all gone that makes you realize you're a little lost. Which is how this weekend always makes me feel. I feel a little lost without you to talk to about nothing. It reminds me how much my heart hurt when it broke that Friday morning. I know you would never have wanted to hurt me like that, but it still isn't any easier.
I have amazing friends here, Steeler. I wish you would have been able to meet them. They all know about you. I could never keep you from anyone who actually wanted to know me. They keep me happy, and I'm so thankful for them. They've made today bearable. They've made me laugh and for a few minutes I can forget what today is and what it stands for. My heart still hurts though, and I know if stop controlling my emotions for a few minutes I'm probably going to burst into tears. That's okay though, because I haven't cried yet. I probably will later.
I was thinking about eyes yesterday, which seems a little odd, but I was thinking about how I forget what color people's eyes are a lot. I remember yours though. I remember what they looked like when you were happy and joking. I remember what they looked like when you were laughing. I remember what they looked like when you had just woken up. I remember what they looked like when you were nervous before a big match. I remember what they looked like when you were sad and when you were mad. I remember you, and I am so grateful for that ability. I miss you. I wish you were here with me, even though there's no telling how different everything would be if you were here. I guess I should probably try to work on this 12 page paper that's due in a week and a half. Some parts of college aren't so fun. I love you. I think about you constantly and I'll keep remembering you.
