Monday, April 6, 2015

3 years.

I feel bad. I missed the lantern lighting and IHOP this year. Sometimes I think this weekend shouldn't be any different than the others, because it's not like you are any more gone this weekend, but it is different. Thursday night came and I couldn't fall asleep or really stay asleep. Then Friday came and I felt like there was lump in my throat all day and I forgot to breathe at times. Then Saturday I was mostly alone, so I made a lot of complicated dishes for Easter to occupy my time and watched an entire series on Netflix. At times it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and still, I reminded myself to breathe. Easter was good for the most part. I woke up, got ready, and finished making dinner. I had friends over, they made me laugh, and I was distracted for the most part. Then I was alone. There's something about having so much noise and people in one place and then being there when that is all gone that makes you realize you're a little lost. Which is how this weekend always makes me feel. I feel a little lost without you to talk to about nothing. It reminds me how much my heart hurt when it broke that Friday morning. I know you would never have wanted to hurt me like that, but it still isn't any easier.

I have amazing friends here, Steeler. I wish you would have been able to meet them. They all know about you. I could never keep you from anyone who actually wanted to know me. They keep me happy, and I'm so thankful for them. They've made today bearable. They've made me laugh and for a few minutes I can forget what today is and what it stands for. My heart still hurts though, and I know if stop controlling my emotions for a few minutes I'm probably going to burst into tears. That's okay though, because I haven't cried yet. I probably will later.

I was thinking about eyes yesterday, which seems a little odd, but I was thinking about how I forget what color people's eyes are a lot. I remember yours though. I remember what they looked like when you were happy and joking. I remember what they looked like when you were laughing. I remember what they looked like when you had just woken up. I remember what they looked like when you were nervous before a big match. I remember what they looked like when you were sad and when you were mad. I remember you, and I am so grateful for that ability. I miss you. I wish you were here with me, even though there's no telling how different everything would be if you were here. I guess I should probably try to work on this 12 page paper that's due in a week and a half. Some parts of college aren't so fun. I love you. I think about you constantly and I'll keep remembering you.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Not Quite 3 Years.

I wondered why I felt so out of sorts today, and then I noticed it was the 6th and in a month it will be 3 years since the day my life stopped having any real direction. You were my twin flame. You're still my twin flame, and it sucks not having you here. I've tried to explain our relationship to others, but it doesn't make any sense. I don't know how it worked or why it worked so well. I don't know how no matter what you did I was never mad. I don't know why you were the one person who could make me smile when I wanted to cry. I planned my life around you. Things that I didn't really want to do I did because of you. Nothing illegal or weird for those who might take that the wrong way, but you were the person I was willing to settle for. Now nothing really seems good enough or worth it. I never felt romantic feelings for you, but I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted to share every experience life brought us. I wish we had been able to experience college together. I don't think you would recognize the person I am today, but I think you would like her. She's bolder, blunt, and confident. She's the person you knew that no one else did. Who I am now, is who I was when I was alone with you. So, I guess you would recognize her more than anyone else would. God, I miss you. I just want to have a stupid conversation with you. I want you to sing Hero to me terribly. I have songs to show you and stories to tell you. I have boys I need you to threaten/approve of. I need to talk to you when I don't make the right decision but need someone who holds no judgements. I need your shoulder to cry on, because other shoulders just don't feel the same. I want to watch you wrestle again. I want to spend another Saturday with you. I'm going to Vegas for my 21st birthday, because you didn't get to go for yours. I know you're probably jealous or mad, but I'm not sorry. I'll celebrate for the both of us. I didn't cry writing this one. I'll probably cry all day next month. I haven't cried in a while. I wonder if it would make me feel better, but I don't feel too bad at the moment. They say it gets better with time, and I guess it has. I just think I have distractions now, but there isn't an hour you don't cross my mind. You're such a big part of me, Steeler. I feel like no one even knows me unless they know about you. And truthfully, they never could really know me if they didn't know about you. I miss you, and I can't wait until I get to be with you again.