10 years.

Grief isn't linear. I've heard the sentiment echoed time and time again, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow - carbonated drinks momentarily can though. Time helps lessen the daily pain, but it never truly ends. Over the months and years the day to day gets easier, as life adds in more pain and joy to distract or add to the old grief. Yet, there are moments where you are hit in the gut as if the grief is as fresh as day one. That is the non-linear part of grief. It happens to me when the sunset is extra pink and vibrant, when I see a teenage boy in a purple cardigan, when certain song lyrics settle in my mind, and when I pass the cemetery on the way to my parent's home. While having moments of feeling fresh, it has also settled into my bones as a consistent hurtful reminder of all of the changes outside of my control.

 

I've come to learn that my grief isn't entirely about losing you 10 years ago. I grieve the mindset I held before I knew how instantaneously all of one's plans can be uprooted. I grieve the future and family I lost. I grieve the experiences with you that I lost out on and the memories and moments I am unable to share. I grieve the unique friendship I had with you, and the friendships I couldn't keep.

 

I admittedly ran as soon as I could. I was doing all I could to remain numb and focused on supporting others while attempting to figure out what I could do to rebuild myself. I've been able to mostly rebuild myself, but that required a lot of distance geographically and emotionally. I still struggle with going back, and I keep adding distance. I don't know that it will ever be easy or that'll I'll change that proximity despite the differences in who I am today versus who I was 10 years ago. 

 

The person I was 10 years ago would barely recognize the person I am now. I'm not sure you would either. That part has be difficult to reconcile. Yet, I would give anything for our friendship to have slowly dwindled over time and distance instead of being suddenly cut short if it did have to end. I am no longer constantly burdened with anxiety so severe I didn’t feel safe in my own skin. I no longer have panic attacks that make me forget how to breathe. My depression can be managed internally and isn't a risk to my existence. I am confident in my morals, beliefs, and life choices. I have consistently put myself and my needs as a top priority in my decisions, and that has provided me happiness and opportunity.

 

I accepted a job at my dream organization this year in the state I've longed to live in, and during the entire process the only person I wanted to share it with without being able to was you. I talked about you every step of the way. I've been grieving the opportunity to hear your approval and praise for the life I've created for myself. I'm not even sure if who you would be today would even offer approval or praise, but I tell myself you would. I have a lot of people to thank for helping me survive the last 10 years, even if they were unaware that they were doing just that. I have wrestling to thank for always welcoming me back when I've needed breaks. I have you to thank for teaching me so much while you were here and after you were gone.

I miss you. I love you always. 

 

8 years.

8 years later. It feels like an entire lifetime; I guess for some it has been.

Today is hectic. This year has been hectic. If anything, now should be the perfect time for reflection, but humans seem to enjoy chaos over meditation. I try to make this a day of reflection each year. I also try to hide that this day is the hardest one for me each year.

I have probably two break downs a year over you not being here anymore. That number varies, but I think this year I only had two. Usually not today though. Today isn't hard because of some overwhelming emotions. Today is hard because I have to remember why you aren't here. I guess I don't know exactly why. I don't know every single detail that happened that night, and I don't like to talk about it either. I don't want to know either. 

It isn't my right to know what happened, just my burden to keep the outcome in my mind the rest of my life. I share this burden with plenty of people, but as time goes on less people express it. I don't think that's a bad thing. I certainly don't want to express it when I'm hit with how heavy that burden can be, but I know that impacts how others judge me. I guess that is maybe one of the biggest changes I've undergone over the last 8 years. I, frankly, don't give a shit about their judgments.

I used to care. I also used to take things too personally. I used to struggle with the idea that someone could possibly have a negative opinion about me, because I was trying so hard to be the best human I could be. I've realized now, that people need distractions, and I wasn't the best human even when I was giving my best.

One of the best distractions is scrutinizing other people's lives and the picture of that life they present to the public on social media. I present very little these days. Those closest to me know that my life is pretty stable. I have found the ability to cut out those I need to, and without guilt, which has brought so much peace to my life. I am happy. I am privileged to live the life I do, and ultimately, I want to live my life. I try to keep myself cognizant of this when viewing other people's lives as well. I have no room to judge, but I get why it happens. All of this to say, I haven't forgotten about you.

I still get a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat when I hear "Sail," but I never turn it off. I still imagine the conversations we never had and what your like may have looked like now. I know that will never change, but I also recognize that the world has changed, I've changed, and that is going to continue to happen. I can accept that.

I'm not sure how long I'll continue this blog. Maybe this is the end, maybe not. Either way, two things are constant truths:

I miss you, Steeler. I'll love you forever.

7 years.

It's going to be cloudy and rainy today. That's how it was that day. It always feels right.

I think about you daily, I sometimes feel guilty that it isn't more, but I also feel relieved. I talk about you more in conversation than I did before. I hadn't realized it'd been 7 years until I opened up this blog. It feels like 2 or 3 maybe, but not 7. In the 7 years since you've been gone, I've done and experienced so much. I hate thinking about how many things you never experienced. I'm glad you were fearless (with many exceptions) while you were here. I always wonder how the experiences you never had would have shaped you.

Nakato is the first place I got Jake to eat sushi at, and we go back when we can. I can talk about you the most when we're there. It feels easier, but even Nakato has changed since we used to go there. Everything has changed.

I have less to say here year after year, but that's because I'm healing. I think. I've talked to a lot of people about you, and how your death impacted me and changed the way I act and think. It did a lot to me and for me. My life is good. Overall, I'm better than I used to be. I don't know if it's just time, or other factors that have changed me and helped me be better, but I'm getting there. I don't think that I'll ever be back to 100%, I don't think that's an issue. I don't think being 100% is what I want or actually need in life. Like I've said before, I just want to be happy.

I wonder what you would've actually majored in when you went to college. I also wonder how much of your homework I would've ended up doing. I like to think you would've stuck with wrestling somehow, but you would've been good at so many jobs. I could see you in so many roles.

I miss you, Steeler. I miss the life you should’ve been having this entire time. I’ll love you forever.

6 years.

6 years. It realized it had been six years yesterday. We were only friends for five. I've been without you for longer than I was with you. Six years of new experiences I didn't get to share with you. For six years I've had imaginary conversations. What I would tell you about whatever situation and what you would respond with. Its hard to believe I've probably had more of those conversations than ones I actually had with you.

It's wild how those short five years were so influential in who I am today. Yet, I am so different than I was then. I wish I was more of who I am now, back then, but I think a lot of people might feel that way too. I was thinking the other day about how everyone dealt with you leaving. I thought I handled it well. I know better now. I know I was care less and I have a few regrets. Not as many as I could have ended up with, but still, they're there.

It's still hard for me to go home. I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Tulsa feels more comfortable. I don't have as many anxiety attacks here. My depression isn't as crippling. I don't feel lonely. I have Jake and Henry and my friends and a job that I actually love. Home reminds me of you and all the other trauma. I haven't had anything close to that happen here. I think I run from trauma. I don't think I'll change that any time soon.

I thought I had to do something big with my life to make up for losing you. I thought I needed to fill my life with a tangible, materialistic objective. I was wrong. I wanted to replace my pain with distractions. I've moved on from that now. I just want to be happy. I want to not worry about money and when I want to do something I want to be able to do that. I have most of that now.

My goals have changed, I've changed, but I still miss you more than I ever thought was possible, and everyday I wish I could call or text you.

Until next year, I love you Steeler. I won't forget.

5 years.

It's been 5 years.

I feel like I'm supposed to say it feels like yesterday, and while my wounds still ache it does feel like 5 years. When this date or your birthday comes around my chest feels like it might collapse in on itself. My heart hurts so badly, I feel like if you opened up my chest you'd see the crack that is still so deep. April 6, 2012 was the most traumatic day of my life. It probably sounds wrong, but I hope it stays that way. I never want to have to do that again, or have another day where I need the world to stop but it keeps going.

I try to look strong and stable and logical and together. I usually succeed in at least 3/4. I thought that's what I needed to do. I didn't need to let anyone know about how after you left I would forget how to breathe just walking to my kitchen, or folding my clothes, or standing at your gravesite. I didn't need to talk about how hard it was to go to sleep, because the night you were killed I was sleeping instead of with you. I didn't need to talk about how I needed to take a nap every day in order to have enough energy to get through the day since sleeping at night was so difficult and some days it felt impossible to get out of my bed. I didn't need to say why I started crying, because if the less I talked about it the sooner I would stop and could pretend like the tears had never fell. I hid my struggles for 4 years. I still hide them, but I can admit them more.

I feel bad, but I hate the messages that come with today. I hate the empathy and sympathy. They've also dwindled down. I only get a few, and as much as I hate the reminder of how I'm supposed to feel today, I love knowing those few people will forever care.

So much has changed. It feels like so many people have forgotten. People probably think I've forgotten. They're wrong if they do. I think about you every single day.

I graduate in a month. I'll be in classroom for a couple years and then who knows where I'll go. Probably law school since I've had a plan to go for a couple years now. Jake and I have a house in Tulsa, but we'll end up somewhere else. He took me to the Pacific Ocean for my birthday, and I sat on a swing on a beach in Oregon and thought about how I got to that point in life. I let the smell of the ocean and the chill that the Pacific has wash over me as I swung, and I thought about you. I thought about how it was okay for me to be happy in that moment, even though a part of me felt like I still shouldn't be allowed to really be happy. I've learned to ignore that part of my brain.

5 years is a long time to be without someone, but being without you shaped me into who I am. I'm a better person and a stronger person than I was when you were still here. I have amazing friends, but I've separated myself from home because it reminds me of you and that hurts. I think that will get better over time, I guess we'll see.

I love you and I miss you, Steeler. I always will.

4 years.

I'm not angry anymore.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not being angry like others still are, but anger doesn't fix anything. I'm just sad. I get so sad sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Compared to other years in my life, this one has been filled with the most happiness since you've been gone. When I was angry, I didn't cry. This year I've cried a lot. Sometimes without realizing why I'm crying at first. I think it's because the anger is gone and I just miss you.

So much has happened in four years. I have a year left of college. I'll graduate with two degrees. One for political science with a minor in philosophy, and one for history. I think you had an influence on the second one, and man has that one given me trouble. I have two paths open to me this way. I plan on going to law school right now, but we all know you were the more argumentative one. I want to teach some day. I know had our original plan not worked out for you, teaching and coaching would have been the outcome. I'm mat maid president again. I spent spring break in New York for Nationals and thought about you every minute. I still think of you at every single match. I still think of you ever single hour of every single day. I wish you would have met Jake and Kaelin, or that they had been able to meet you. They've helped me so much, Steeler.  They know what I've been through, because they've been through it too. I think it's crazy how the universe works that way.

Things have changed a lot. So strange how much can change in what feels like such a short amount of time. But, I guess time is relative. I've changed so much, my opinions, my thoughts, and my actions. I blame that on the philosophy classes and all the deep thinking. I really don't like social media on days like today, and I don't want to talk to most people, because each I love you stings. It stings because I know where it's coming from and why its being said and they brings tears to my eyes. There are so many songs lately that hit me hard. Like your mom, "Who You'd Be Today" hurts the most I think. Every single line is a punch to the stomach, but I can't stop listening. I want to know so badly where you'd be, what you'd be doing, the shenanigans you would have gotten into, and what you'd look like. Cole Swindell has a song that he wrote about his father called "You Should Be Here," and even though it's about his dad all I can think of you. I miss your laugh and your smile and how you made my stomach hurt from laughing.

I remember the night before summer school started when you slept in the basement and Sierra and I slept upstairs, but we drove around in the beemer the night before and made you take us to school before you went to football practice. Memories like that make me so happy, because I have the worst memory occasionally popping up and making the sadness come back. I keep the happy memories for stories. I tell them more and more. I love you Steeler. So much. I miss you, so much. I still don't know why this happened, or what I was supposed to learn if its true that everything happens for a reason (I wrote a paper in philosophy over this and still can't figure out where I stand). I do know that I'm okay. I know you are more than okay now. I am happy, but I am also sad. That's okay to me.

3 years.

I feel bad. I missed the lantern lighting and IHOP this year. Sometimes I think this weekend shouldn't be any different than the others, because it's not like you are any more gone this weekend, but it is different. Thursday night came and I couldn't fall asleep or really stay asleep. Then Friday came and I felt like there was lump in my throat all day and I forgot to breathe at times. Then Saturday I was mostly alone, so I made a lot of complicated dishes for Easter to occupy my time and watched an entire series on Netflix. At times it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and still, I reminded myself to breathe. Easter was good for the most part. I woke up, got ready, and finished making dinner. I had friends over, they made me laugh, and I was distracted for the most part. Then I was alone. There's something about having so much noise and people in one place and then being there when that is all gone that makes you realize you're a little lost. Which is how this weekend always makes me feel. I feel a little lost without you to talk to about nothing. It reminds me how much my heart hurt when it broke that Friday morning. I know you would never have wanted to hurt me like that, but it still isn't any easier.

I have amazing friends here, Steeler. I wish you would have been able to meet them. They all know about you. I could never keep you from anyone who actually wanted to know me. They keep me happy, and I'm so thankful for them. They've made today bearable. They've made me laugh and for a few minutes I can forget what today is and what it stands for. My heart still hurts though, and I know if stop controlling my emotions for a few minutes I'm probably going to burst into tears. That's okay though, because I haven't cried yet. I probably will later.

I was thinking about eyes yesterday, which seems a little odd, but I was thinking about how I forget what color people's eyes are a lot. I remember yours though. I remember what they looked like when you were happy and joking. I remember what they looked like when you were laughing. I remember what they looked like when you had just woken up. I remember what they looked like when you were nervous before a big match. I remember what they looked like when you were sad and when you were mad. I remember you, and I am so grateful for that ability. I miss you. I wish you were here with me, even though there's no telling how different everything would be if you were here. I guess I should probably try to work on this 12 page paper that's due in a week and a half. Some parts of college aren't so fun. I love you. I think about you constantly and I'll keep remembering you.